What to do if you want to adopt, but your partner doesn't?

Question

A family member had asked us to adopt her baby while she was still pregnant. The baby has since been born, and again she asked. My husband just doesn't think he could treat/love the baby as if he were ours by birth. I, on the other hand, have a real heart for adoption and feel that this opprotunity is a calling on my life and that it is what is meant to be for the baby. Another reason he doesn't want the baby is because he thinks he will have developmental/behavioral problems because of drug use during pregnancy. Is there anything I can say or do to convince my husband this is the thing to do? what would you do in my situation?

Answer 1

I wouldn't want to adopt, or even have a child naturally, if my partner wasn't wanting the same thing.  He may, in time, change his mind, but this shouldn't be forced on him, or even 'talked into'.  

The last thing a child needs is to feel second best, or even unwanted by yet another parent.  Even if this child's mom DID want him, it probably won't feel that way to him.  Even if the parent does grow to love him, as they would a biological child, the lingering effects of their earlier feelings will be there for the CHILD to deal with.

It's bad enough when a biological child feels rejected by a parent.  Can you imagine what it would feel like to be rejected TWICE?

For the child's sake, don't try to convince your husband.  Let him come to a change of heart on his own, if he ever does.

Answer 2

I don't want to put a damper on your thoughts but have you thought about it if this child does have a lot of problems? If your husband is dead set against it, you should reconsider. Do you want a baby or your husband?? He could leave you for this. Give yourselves time to conceive your own.  Good luck to you both.

Answer 3

honestly, that baby will probably hurt your marriage as anything you say to your husband will probably later make him feel manipulated and resentful. I feel your pain as I have a heart for adoption, too. I am hoping that someday something will work out, but if he doesn't, my marriage still comes first. Go slowly. See if you can take him to meet the baby. Lots of people fall in love with babies once they actually see and hold them. But if nothing works out and you don't get this baby, wait until your husband is ready and get another one later. It is sad because it is a great opportunity, but I would wait if I were in your shoes.

Answer 4

You don't adopt.

Answer 5

I'm sorry, I know this must be very difficult for you, especially since a rare opportunity has presented itself to allow you to have exactly what you want, a child of your own. However, if your husband is not open to the idea of adoption right now, you shouldn't persuade him to adopt this child

This child deserves to have both of her parents to be elated at the idea of adopting her. If you push, your husband may end up resenting and never accepting the child, and only adopting to please you. This child will already face issues regarding her adoption, and doesn't need to add feeling rejected by the adoptive father.

I know this probably isn't what you wanted to hear, but the good thing is that many people facing infertility feel this way at first, but after a while of researching adoption more, and meeting adoptive families and children they often change there minds.

If and when this happens, then it'll be the time to pursue an adoption, but not until he is totally on board with the idea.

Good luck to you.

Answer 6

Could you talk to your husband about family therapy? I think this is something you need a very unbiased, professional person to help you with. I can see both of your sides, but I also know what it's like to want children desperately. If I were in your shoes, I would probably be begging my husband; doing tons of research about behavioral issues with children who were exposed to drugs in-utero; discussing the fertility problem...everything. If it's something you feel you NEED to do, he should know that. Explain things to him in a professional manner...don't mention cute baby clothes and things like that. He sees things rationally, and you need to understand that. Men are usually hard to persuade when it comes to things like this. Again, I think you should discuss it with a family therapist so you can both get your points across without getting nowhere or getting into an argument. I wish you the best of luck! :)

Answer 7

well talk too your husband kindly and if he still says no then say inn his ear " ill do watever your fantasie is" thatll get any man too do anything you want even adopt a kid

Answer 8

Your husband is a bright, intuative man.  He's right.

Answer 9

If you haven't done so already, I would sit my hubby down and really explain to him how much this means to you and how badly you want this baby. This child wouldn't stop the two of you from having your own but yet would be a instant addition to your family and a baby to love.  If he still says no, then I really don't know what else to say.  This has to be a mutual decision.  Try taking the baby out a couple of times and see how the two of you feel about it.  Take the baby into a pediatrician and have him/ her checked out.    My husband & I have adopted one and gave birth to one.  We have the best of both worlds!  I wouldnt change any of it for one second!  Children are awesome!

Answer 10

Has the child been evaluated by a pediatrician?

You can't force him to want the baby.  Would he be willing to take the child in under a foster care environment?  This may help him to develop a bond, without feeling like it is a decision that cannot be reconsidered in the future.

Answer 11

Don't adopt.

Adoptees have enough to deal with without one of their adoptive parents not being completely OK with their adoption.

Answer 12

Keep gently talking to him.

My husband was 100% against adoption of any child at any age when we first got together, and I was 100% sure that I was going to have children thru adoption one day.

I slowly got him used to the idea of adopting a baby, then he started to like the idea of one already out of diapers, or at least in the process of potty training, and now I've just about got him talked into adopting a set of siblings after we buy our house.

One thing that really got to him, is we used to live in a rental house that was just down the street from the Children's Home, and there was the sweetest little girl that lived there, that was absolutly adorable, and he wanted to adopt her right then! But there was no way, lol, we were living in a 1 bedroom house, and I was pregnant. But now that we've upgraded jobs and houses, and he's about to upgrade jobs again, we're getting closer and closer to having our adoptive family.

Good luck and I hope that you are able to talk to your husband and get him to understand.

Edited to add: I just wanted to add that you really shouldn't push him. It's taken 4 years for my husband to warm up to the idea of adoption. We were together almost 3 years before he even warmed up to the idea of adopting a baby, so it may take some time. Also, try to get him to really talk about what's bothering him. Ask him if he's afraid that the birth mother will want to take over the child's life. That would be a huge fear of mine, if I were being asked to consider adopting a family member's child.

Answer 13

You don't adopt. Something like that requires your partner's consent. Maybe he'll change his mind once the baby is born with a clean bill of health, but he has the right to say no. He may allow you to foster?

Answer 14

get some counseling and don't make any decisions that will affect another life at this time.

Answer 15

Well, you need to realy think about this and both should want this child, you do not want to end up with out him and raising a child on your own, especially if it does develope problems due to the drug us. have the baby checked out.  Why does she not want to have the chid? Are you unable to have your own? best of luck

Answer 16

My 1st husband was the same way and now he has a stepdaughter that he is in the process of adopting, he loves her as much as his biological kids.  They always seem to have doubts about the love but my point is always this....if they love you and you aren't blood then why couldn't they love an innocent child.  He would still be the dad even without the blood connection.  I can understand his concerns about the health but there is no garuntee that you two will have a perfectly healthy baby either.   Honestly my 1st husband and I divorced because of the issues with having kids.  I had fertility problems and wanted to adopt and he didn't.  Now he kinda regrets it because he realizes he can love a child that isn't his and he lost me because of it.