What to do if your heart is set on Adoption but your husbands isnt?

Question

My infant son, Austin passed away almost a year ago on November 22, 2006. I am absolutely horrified to have another baby in the house because of what my son dies of. SIDS. I really want more children and have my heart set on adoption. My husband on the other hand is very closed minded and thinks that he cant love any child that is not his blood. Has anyone ever been in this situation, if so what did you do to help open your spouses eyes?

Answer 1

I am so sorry about the loss of your son.

Contrary to popular myth, adoption is NOT the same as having your own children. Obviously your husband believes this too, do not nag him into adopting.

Answer 2

it's things like this that push marriages to the limit.  Death of a child, and unwillingness to come to some sort of agreement, are like wedges that get forced further between couples.  If you're husband won't listen to your concerns and at least consider the possibility of taking a child that was born into this world under bad circumstances, and giving that child a better chance in life, then it's only a matter of time before you two call it quits.  I'm so very sorry for the loss of your son.  A parent should NEVER have to bury their child.  Your husband seems to think that he's the only one that lost a child, though.  You two need professional help, and I mean the BOTH of you.  Just because something happens once, doesn't mean it'll happen again.  I hope you two can agree on the therapy.  It may be the only thing that saves your marriage.  Good luck.

Answer 3

He may feel pressured or he may feel like you are trying to replace Austin.  Back off a little and let him know that you will wait until he is ready to discuss it.

Is there something that is preventing you from trying for your "own blood child" again? Just because one baby passed because of SIDS doesn't mean any others you have will...

It may just be too recent for him to deal with anything right now... Men deal with things differently than women...It took my Husband a lot longer to process it because he felt out of control and that was a major insecurity for him.

Please just be patient with him....

Answer 4

first i'm very sorry for your loss.  as for your husband all you can do is express your feelings as calm and simple as you can.  if your husband is completely opposed to adoption and refuses to learn about it or consider it, i'm sorry but it's going to take both of you to make it work.  could it possibly just be too soon for your husband to think of having another baby in the household?  i know when i miscarried i was such a wreck it's impossible to describe.  and i mistook my husbands feelings of not wanting to adopt when i started talking about it as he didn't want to adopt a child.  when the truth finally came out he just didn't think he could watch me go through another loss.  adoptions fall through and he was scared of what that would do to me.  and being a man he barely admitted he was scared of how he'd feel going through that again.  try to get to the root of your husbands feelings.  if it is truely he's opposed to adoption then you may not be able to go further.  all you can do is let him know how you feel and give him time to tell you how he's feeling.  give him options and ways to say more than the typical male yes or no response.  understand he's lost a child too and although he might not show it outwardly he might be the same wreck you are.  and as i found out with my husband maybe even more of one since he thought he was supposed to be the strong one and support me.  again i'm so sorry and my best to you and your family while you do the best you can to heal.

Answer 5

Hi Princess,

Please accept my condolences for the loss of your son.  I cannot imagine anything worse.

When considering adoption, both husband & wife should be in agreement.  Your feelings are valid.  Your husband's feelings are also valid.  Unfortunately, there really is no compromise or talking the other person into it if they really do not want to adopt.  It's either they agree to both adopt wholeheartedly or they should not adopt at all.  The reason is because it is not fair to the child to be brought into a family where they will not be welcomed and accepted by the entire family.  Adopting to make one's spouse happy isn't the best reason to adopt.  It would be possible that one spouse would come to resent the other and that could cause stress in their relationship with each other.  

I understand your reluctance to have another child and risk losing him or her.  Please keep in mind that no child comes with health guarantees whether they are biological or adopted.

Hugs,

julie j

Answer 6

My heart goes out to you and your husband, Princess.  I am so sorry for your loss.

I hope you will reconsider having your own children.  Among other ways to prevent SIDS, cosleeping is generally the most effective.  Baby regulates his/her breathing, heartbeat, and emotional state by being next to mother.

There has also recently been a connection made between SIDS and vaccinations.  See the following link for info:

http://thinktwice.com/sids.htm

Here is a link to an article on other ways to prevent SIDS (scroll down - it's about halfway through):

http://www.kidshealth.org/parent/general...

And here is more information:

http://www.parenting.com/parenting/artic...

Answer 7

deciding to have children, no matter what the means, is extremely personal and should be agreed on by both the people involved. if you cannot agree, you shouldn't press the issue. however, many people out there feel that they cannot love fully love a child as their own if they are in biologically theirs. maybe you should try to be foster parents first. it takes time, but in the end he will see that the bonds of love are not tied by blood alone.

Answer 8

I am so sorry for the loss of your son, that must have been devastating.

I'm with your husband here.  This is WAY too big an issue to disagree on.  Most men do not want to raise other people's children.  

I am adopted and grew up with a disinterested father.  He should have never given in to my adoptive mother and adopted.  It wasn't fair to my adopted brother or me.

And adoption, while many people forget, is not supposed to be about parents filling a need, it's about giving a child a home.

Good luck.

Answer 9

Obey the husband.

Answer 10

I am sorry for your loss. Adoption is something both parents must want otherwise it’s unfair to the child. Perhaps you could consider becoming foster parents, then your husband might see that you don’t have to be a child’s blood to love him or her with your whole heart. If you husband never comes around then……. well you do have one child, some people don’t have any.

Answer 11

First, all the research I've done on SIDS (and I've done quite a bit) says that there is no hereditary link in most SIDS cases.  I urge you to check into this and see if what you were told in the hospital is really true.

Secondly, I really think you should think long and hard about adoption if your spouse is not on board.  It could lead to huge consequences if you force your husband into an adoptive situation he does not want to be in.

And lastly, I would really like to offer my condolences on the loss of your son.  I know this last year must have been really hard on you.

I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

Answer 12

I think you need to get past your grieving before trying to force your husband to see things your way.  He wants HIS children, not someone else's and he's perfectly fine in that preference.  Other people have lost children to SIDS and gone on to have other children. Contact your local hospital for referral to a SIDS group.

Answer 13

my heart goes out to you.

honestly, i think at this point, you and your husband should consider counseling before proceeding with adoption. primarily because it's clear to me that your husband's reticence is due in part to his unresolved issues with losing his biological child.

also, opening his eyes might not be possible if he is unresolved over the death of his child, which is totally understandable.

i really wish you two the best...

Answer 14

Try to talk to him maybe it's to early for him you'll work it out trust me it will seem like you will never had another kid but you will eventually he will understand hope that helps♥

Answer 15

Heartbreaking story girl. Saddened to hear of Austin's unexpected death. How devastating. Sweetheart, I can see why you are resistant to having another child because of your grief and loss and the fear of it all being repeated. I can also understand that your husband would prefer to conceive another child who shares your features and characteristics. I genuinely hope you can resolve this one together and in the meantime cherish ever moment with your child.