What to do on holidays?

Question

Until 6 years ago, I loved "the holidays". Some tragic events happened in my family, and now I understand the feeling that the holidays can carry so much grief. Not that I'm glad for what I've gone through, but I think it has helped me to understand what my children will be going through...celebrating a holiday - which is supposed to be this wonderful thing - without loved ones, without family. And, because I'm Pagan and my husband is Christian, we celebrate about twice as many holidays. Of course, we have Thanksgiving and Christmas, Valentine's day and all the others (I would imagine even the smaller holidays would bring up feelings of loss...they do for me), but we also have Beltaine (a celebration of love), Samhain (a time to remember those who have passed), and all the changes of seasons, among others.

My question is, how can I honor my losses and my childrens' losses on holidays, without making it all about grief and loss?

Answer 1

Hi Gaia,

I don't know much about your subject at hand.  I can only offer this tidbit.  As you well know my father was a raging alcoholic.  He got drunk and ruined every holiday except for halloween.  Probably why that's still my fav holiday.

Holidays were an excuse for my father to drink.  He would smash christmas trees, beat my mom and us, he would throw x-mas presents in the street saying we didn't deserve them.  You know how i discovered there was no Santa?  Christmas eve daddy dearest had to put my bike together and couldn't do it.  Blamed my mom and used her face as a punching bag.  The noise woke us up as we begged him not to kill our mommy.

All i ever wanted was a "normal" happy holiday all about peace, love and family.

I don't know what tramas your future children thru foster care might have endured in the past but i can honestly say just having you love them will help.

***Not to worry, I fully enjoy every holiday now.  I am truly a "big" kid. he he he.

Answer 2

Every family and every person has to deal with Grief and Loss -- it is part of life....

We honor our lost family members, friends and pets...memories and pasts with the shared stories, pictures and trinkets that are part of our home and family.

Grief and loss is not something special to any one class of person--or to any one person due to any certain circumstance... Everyone has to face it in life--and it isn't something unshared by humans in general....

I deal with my grief and loss by remembering to make my Great Grandmothers Fudge at Christmas and teaching it to my children--I tell them the stories I know about her and who she was....

We deal with the Loss of Jennifer and Grandpa--My 12 yr old niece and father in law were killed by a Drunk Driver.... Grandpa was an Immigrant from Austria after WWII and he was born on 4th of July---the accident was a few weeks after his 70th Birthday.... It is sooooo sad.... Even on Easter my Sister In Law cried because she is starting to realize she will never be a grandmother---and she lost her whole old age when she lost her only child......

I deal with my children's feelings the same way I deal with all the other sad losses....  Part of Living is Dying so.... life is kind of sad and full of loss....

Answer 3

Children who experience loss lack a sense of ownership. Create traditions that are meaningful to your own family. It doesn't matter what it is just so it's positive.

Answer 4

Gaia,

I agree with jm1970, you will know what to do. And what you do will be individual to yourself, your children, your family, the Holiday, and the way everyone is feeling at the time. You can and should plan ahead of time for ways to help yourself and your children both grieve and celebrate those you and they love and are connected to -- whether they are involved in  their day to day lives, living far away, or no longer living on this plane. You can and should plan, but also be open to things that were not planned, or that your plans may not feel right when the time comes, or not right to everyone.

Everyone has the right (and ultimately the responsibility if they are going to be emotionally healthy) to do their own grieving -- in their own way and time. Your kids may do a lot of grieving at just the times you expect it. Or they may grieve a lot, but when least expected (even by them). Or they may seem to do no grieving at all until much later. Or they may just be very private about all of this with you. Or if you adopt siblings you may have one that does one and one another and that may be a conflict between them. Or any combination or variation of those things. Your job as the parent is to be open to them, to let them know that they can express anything they feel or not express it, or express it with someone other than you. Your job is to give them the opportunity to grieve and to share that with you, but also to let them be happy and not grieve or not share it with you just because you or someone else thinks they should.

Your job is also to let your children see you grieve, in both ritualized ways and also in raw and messy ways, if that is what is real for you at the time. Seeing your own grief and conflicts will help them to feel free to feel and express their own. If a holiday is too hard for you for whatever reason, then you do not have to celebrate it in a traditional way, but you should explain why to your children and let them celebrate (or not) in whatever way seems right to them. If you or they want to celebrate a holiday as just a fun time to get presents or dress up or color eggs or whatever, then that is fine and should be respected also.

How you celebrate Holy-days will vary by the holiday and the people there and everything else going on. Samhain is a wonderful opportunity to honor ancestors and grieve. I also love the Dias de los Muertos traditions of honoring those who have passed with music and celebrations and of keeping the beloved dead with us. It may be that your children will find that a time that they honor their first parents, or that may feel very wrong if they are not dead -- or sometimes one and sometimes the other. You just need to be open and honor the feelings that arise--when and how they arise. The other Pagan holidays and recognition and honoring of the turning of the seasons can give many opportunities to honor all parts of the cycles of life -- the births and the deaths and all the parts in-between -- and to see them reflected in the natural world and see oneself as a part of a larger whole. (I'm assuming you know the book >Circle Round< but if you don't then you should.)  But your children may not want to celebrate some of your holidays, whether Christian or Pagan, at all. Or they and you may come up with your own. None of it should be forced, though everyone should be respectful.

Gaia, you will be fine! It is great that you are thinking about these things ahead of time, but I have faith that you will also know not to hold to tightly to how you think things will or should happen. You will feel what is right as it comes. You will be a great parent -- just be gentle and open with yourself and with them!

PS

jm1970, I LOVE the idea of the bulbs--that you cannot see them but they are always there. What a lovely and poignant methaphor, thank you.

Answer 5

Gaia,

I understand completly. 8 years ago on Christmas day, I welcomed my beautiful daughter into this world. When I called my family to tell them the news, I learned that they had been trying to reach me too. My beloved grandmother had passed about an hour before her great grand daughter was born.

Today we celebrate my daughters birthday about 2 weeks before the actual date (who wants to go to a birthday party Christmas day?) and rather than the usual customary turkey for Christmas dinner, we choose instead to have a roast beef, my grandmothers specialty, in a way to both honor and remember her.

There are ways of both honoring that special someone and the loss of them & still celebrating the holiday.

If there is a higher power, and a life beyond, I'd like to think that my grandmothers passing right before my daughter's birth was for a reason. I picture Grandma sitting there having some special time with Crystal all to herself, to talk about where Grandma had been and where Crystal was going.

Of course they'd be sitting there enjoying tea & shortbread... both of their favs.

ETA: Jim: For once I agree with you, that was very well said

Answer 6

You know how much I respect you and I am going to get a ton of thumbs down for this...

You have great empathy and insight into your future children's needs, but you have to understand that you cannot make everything in their world about adoption...you have to let them be normal kids with normal experiences whenever possible.

You also have to understand that not every adopted child feels the way people on this  board do..look at the differences, one is all for abortion but against adoption I quote wants to abolish "ALL ADOPTION.", one met her birth mother and never wants to see her again, one claims to love her amother more than anyone on earth, yet is not "bonded with her."  You can't read other people's issues onto your kids.

That said, you have to take your cues from you kids.  If you are as open as you seem, they will feel comfortable to bring it up to them. Holidays are supposed to be wonderful things.  My grandpa died at Christmas, it was hard at first...in time I honor him by enjoying the holiday.

I've seen people do a few things.  For example Mother's Day....I know a family who plants bulbs and flowers...bulbs because they can't always see them, but they are always there, and sometimes they bloom and remind us how much we loved someone. They plant something every Mothers Day.

I would say some of your pagan holidays are a chance to build your specific family traditions as it is doubtful your children will have any memories of their family with them.  I think Beltaine should be a memory of your family and Samhain may be a time to remember the family that has "passed."

What I'm saying is be sensitive, but if your children finally want to make cookies and wait for Santa and open presents in a frenzy....or (because I know you are foster care) what to make a silly handprint for their mommy who is actually going to keep and cherish it.....LET THEM!!!!!!

You are a very wise woman...just like any healthy mom....you'll know what to do...I have the utmost faith in you.

Answer 7

Magick retirements a better word.  Make it fun remember the good things.

Answer 8

You can honor the memory of those lost, instead of mourning for them. Make it a happy day to remember all the good times, and not focus on the end.

Answer 9

I understand completely.  I've had terrible losses at Christmas.  And from my most recent Christmas loss, the death of my baby sister, I gained my newest adopted child (her disabled son).  The first year we chose not to celebrate at all.  It was just too difficult for everyone.  This past year being our second Christmas without her we chose to celebrate her and other family members who have passed on.  We all went to a wonderful restuarant that was preparing a Christmas feast and the entire family had all day to spend together without worrying about cleaning and cooking and cleaning again.  We all told stories of our loved ones and we laughed until we cried.  It was such a relief to be able to think of those people we love so much with happiness and fond memories.  The entire family seemed to leave with a huge burden lifted from them.  We found our joy for the holiday in the memories of those we've lost.

Believe me, one good holiday does not make the pain go away.  I told my son Happy Easter and he began to cry and call for his mother.  You see, Easter was her favorite holiday.  Watching him grieve for him mother who has been gone for over a year wrenched my heart.  It even choked up my husband.  So, bringing about happy holidays when you are grieving a horrific loss is not easy, but it is also not impossible.  You must take the time to grieve whenever it hits you, whether it is convenient or not.  And allow others to do the same.

I know with the building of any new family comes joy and heartache.  When you experience them, whether on a holiday or not can't be controlled.  Eventually, you do build your own family, your own traditions, your own memories.  You never have to "let go" of your memories nor do your children.  You can encourage the remembrance of loved ones lost on holidays and create an entirely new tradition that invites all of the lost family into your home and your celebrations.  Even if you adopted children who cannot remember their bio parents you can allow them the respect of telling the story of their adoption and sharing things you know about their bio family, such as color of hair and eyes, complexion, pretty smile, things the children can identify with that you know.  If you don't know try something like, "I bet you have your bio mom's eyes.  She must be as beautiful as you are."  There are ways to let your children know it is OK to miss them and that you are there to help when they do.

Good luck.

Answer 10

You start new traditions and ways to honor those who are no longer with us.

We still think of my Grandfather often and we even tell stories about him.  We tend to do this on the major holidays.