What to do when my husband doesn't want my mother in the delivery room?

Question

This wouldn't be a problem except that my mother has starting hinting that it would 'mean the world' to her to be in delivery with us when I give birth. This will be her first grandchild, and one that she is not likely to see very often because my huband and I live South while she lives in New York. It seems to be very important to her, but my husband has made it clear that he doesn't want her.

I really hate to disappoint mother. I can't honestly say that I would mind having her there. I'm a little scared, and can't help feeling it would be comforting. Still, I know this is my husband's baby as much as mine, and that he has a right to have feelings on the matter. We won't have her if he doesn't want her, but how do I tell her that? I don't know what to do. My husband and mother already have a rocky relationship, and if I blame him for her not being allowed to watch the baby be born, I'm afraid they will never get along. I am getting so stressed out! Please help.

Answer 1

I can understand where your husband is coming from.  "Rocky relationship' aside, I can see that it might feel more than a bit weird to be in the same room with his MIL while his wife is mostly naked ....

Why not reach a compromise.  Your mom can be with you during labor (except during exams), but she will wait outside during the delivery.  She can then come in and meet her grandchild as soon as you are both cleaned up. (When you are pushing, you will be focusing too hard to really 'need' a lot of people there anyway.

Answer 2

by all means have her in the room,however-it is a time for you and your husband to be calm and not to have you stressed over those two.you dont want to stress the baby any more(imagine what its going through)without feeling your anxiety as well.

i dont feel there is a need for your mother to be in there when it comes time to push and deliver and she make take comfort in knowing that she will be the first relative to nurse.

good luck!

Answer 3

If you want mom there, tell him this is your pregnancy...you carried this baby for 9months..it is your choice not his...

Answer 4

What it comes down to is what you want and what makes you comfortable. YOUR the one who will be in labor and giving birth, so whatever makes it comfortable and easier for you takes priority. Your husband has the rest of the child's life to make decisions on what he wants and doesn't want. My wife wants certain people in the delivery room for our soon to be born child, some of who i could do without. But in the end, I know it will make it easier on her, and that's whats important. GOOD LUCK!

Answer 5

I think you said it all with this sentence " know this is my husband's baby as much as mine, and that he has a right to have feelings on the matter." In a marriage, if one person is really against something, you can't do it.

As for telling your mother, I wouldn't lay the blame at your husband's feet (even though it's him that doesn't want her there). Instead I would tell her that the two of you have decided, as a couple, that you want this to be an event in which only the 2 of you are there (and medical staff of course). That you're sorry she's disappointed, but this is the decision you've made.

Answer 6

Labor is HARD and you should have whatever and whoever you need to help you through it.  Your husbands needs to understand that even though you love him dearly, alot of the time mother's are wonderfully comforting at this time because they've been through it while having you!

Also, I am 30 and married and had BOTH my husband and mother there.  They each helped me in different ways.

Answer 7

Have you told him you really do want her there? That it will help you feel better. I would talk to him - and explain that most girls want their Mom's there if possible.

Answer 8

I was in a similar boat.... I wouldn't have minded having my mother or sister in the delivery room, but my husband insisted it just be us.

Giving birth is a very personal and bonding experience.  After it was done, I was so glad it was just my husband and I there.

I know you hate to disappoint your mother, but your husband comes first.  DO NOT BLAME HIM under any circumstances.

Just explain to your mother that you would rather it be just your husband and you during the delivery, but she can come in right after to meet the baby.   If you still don't feel comfortable, you can always "lie" and tell them your doctor or hospital has a rule that only one person is allowed in the delivery room.  But I would go with my first suggestion, a blatant lie like that could come back to haunt you and cause hurt feelings.   Your mother will be fine with it - my mother respected "our" wishes and was just so excited to meet her new grandchild after the fact.

Good luck!

Answer 9

My mother was never in the delivery room with me or any of my sisters when we gave birth.  Personally, the only people who I've ever known who had their mothers in the delivery room where girls who weren't married and didn't have the dad in there.  The doctor and the nurses will be in there.  Just tell your mom that you only want your husband in there.  I'm very close to my mom, but I really didn't want her in the delivery room with me.  That is a really intimate time for a husband and wife.  It's bad enough that the doctors and nurses have to be in there.  I can understand that you don't want to disappoint your mother, but you aren't married to your mother, and it isn't her baby.

Answer 10

I am gonna be candid here  "maybe hubby sees something in your mother that you cannot see(because you are of the same makeup)  Understress, she is gonna fly off the handle like a chicken with its head cut off -  In an operating room - - not a good event.  SHE should not be the centre of attention.

    Like I said, MAYBE but mom did her deal when she had you.    That was her stand of independence against her mom...to show that she WAS capable of being a MOM that she was not a little girl anymore.    So.... too should be the same said for you.   Moms ALWAYS FIND THE TIME TO VISIT.     It is time for you to cut the APRON STRINGS or are you momma's little girl?  "I hate to disappont mother" sounds like you haven't let go and stood independently yet.   Respect comes to those who deserve it.  It is betwixt you and your husband (or did you have a threesome 9 months ago?).       Mom has no place in the delivery room(this is not a cooking contest).   She can wait in the hall.  She is being selfish by making you feel guilty.   I bet you she kicked her mom out and her mom kicked her mom out.

Answer 11

Why is your hub whining about your mom being there when he's having a baby? Come on now.

Answer 12

Relax. Yes, somebody is going to get their feelings hurt, but it will not be the end of the world. Your husband should be (and sounds like he is) your first priority. Respect his wishes and tell her simply that the two of you would like to share this experience alone together. If she begins to ask or say that it's his fault or idea, set her straight, and don't feel bad about it. It's not her place and she should be thinking more about your feelings than her own. Is this your first child together? If it is, don't let her make you feel guilty about it being HER first grandchild. She will have more opportunities, maybe at a time when your husband and mother get along better. Relish this time with your husband and enjoy the bonding- don't allow your mother's feelings to ruin the time.  Good luck!