What to do when you suddenly realize you're alone?

Question

I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years and suddenly the blinders have been removed. I suddenly feel like I'm capable of things I didn't have the courage to do. And I just broke up with him on Monday! I'm amazed at the things I put up with over the course of our relationship, and I feel like I can stand up for myself.

I moved back home (from college) to be with my friends. But now I take a look at the people I surround myself with and wonder what I was thinking. One friend, when I'm talking to him about the break up, takes the opportunity to try and talk me up so he can get into my pants (didn't happen). Another one just starts talking about herself the entire time and then about her "wonderful" relationship and her "sweetums."

One tried to get me evicted, yet another tried to stiff me on the rent and was angry at me because I didn't clean her room when we moved out.

But apart from them, I don't have anyone to talk to. Those WERE my close friends. That was my set. What do I do now?

Answer 1

Simple: get away from them and get some new friends. The quickest way to do that is to get involved in an activity with like-minded people.

Answer 2

sense you are making all these changes and you so called friends have done nothing to support your gaols, and that is what friends do is lend a ear and support your decisions and lend advice when possible. go back to school , build that knowledge base and start a carrier. the rest will follow. good luck to you and best wishes.

Answer 3

My heart goes out to you. I know how it feels to loose so many important relationships all at once. It's really hard but you are better off and you will heal. It is important to allow yourself to roll through the emotions, one minute you feel free, the next you're alone and terrified. Emotions are like waves, just let them pass through you and keep moving toward your dreams.

Take this time to introspect, to learn more about who you are without the influence of all these other people, their expectations, demands and judgments. It sounds like, until now, you've defined yourself through other people's eyes and lived as if your job was to make everyone else happy. In reality, you don't owe it to anyone else to make them happy. You're not their mommy. It's just not your job. It IS your job to make you happy and you can start by getting to know what it is that you actually enjoy.

Start right now by writing a list of all the things you really love to do or have always dreamed of doing. Then make sure you do at least one of those things every day. Face your fears, one by one. If you're afraid of heights, go skydiving. If you're afraid of being alone, go backpacking in a new place - alone. When you do what you love, every day, and when you face your fears, one by one, you will find out that you don't "need" anyone else to make you happy and fulfilled. You can give that to yourself. Then you will find yourself attracted to other people who are happy and whole and those people won't expect you to sacrifice for their happiness because they will already be happy, within themselves.

Life is a journey we all walk alone, ultimately. The more deeply you embrace that truth, the greater your capacity is for deep connection with others and with existence. It's a paradox. When we look "out there" for what we are missing within, we cannot find it. When we look within for what is missing out there, we find that within us lies everything. We are all fundamentally connected to all things all the time. In this esoteric respect, we are never alone, but in the physical universe, we are ultimately alone on our journey. Enjoy it and don't settle for anything less than your highest dreams.

Answer 4

With friends like those you don't need no enemies.  

Find some real ones.

Answer 5

You need new friends. I have spent half my life being alone, and living alone. Everything is easier and manageable with no surprises (like you described). But I do have friends too. Most are like me - single and remain isolated until a gathering time is chosen.

Answer 6

I think its time to move on. You have obviously outgrown those "friends". It would be best to relocate to a different city and start over. Maybe go back to college.

Answer 7

You picked it, didn't ya? not just the situation but your "friends". What does that say about YOU?

Answer 8

Be grateful that you learned this valuable lesson about life NOW and not later.

That lesson is this:

-We are ALL in it BY ourselves FOR ourselves. PERIOD.

Yes.. we care about others and others care about us.. however, if you go through life waiting and expecting others to always give you support or hold your hand.. you will FAIL in the end.

I find that women (more than men) often EXPECT things from people a lot. This is why men are always one step ahead.

Answer 9

Learn to like yourself.

Answer 10

It sounds like you had one of those great break through moments. Where previously you might have put up with a lot for some reason, now you won't. Usually, we put ourselves in bad situations because of fear. We're afraid we won't be liked, we're afraid we won't be accepted. We go out on a limb, we bend over backwards, all because of some all-important fear. Now, it seems, you're not willing to let it bully you into submission. Good for you.

Your friends seem to be more familiar with the old-you. They expect things of you because you put up with it. You went out of your way to be nice or to be liked. They still expect that of you. They were probably very surprised when you brought them up short. Isn't that too bad. This is not cause for alarm. You are probably better off without them if they can't accept you as you are now. Make new friends. Let them accept the new you as you are.

Think of this as a lull in the storm. It's not that you can't handle the storms, but you're going to pick your battles. If you don't feel like doing battle, then so be it. It sounds like it's a lot more stressful to socialize than to just be alone. Try and understand something here. What was so important to you that you had put up with that? If you can't name it, it's more than likely that you'll just go back and do it again.

Far more important than anything else, you are alone, and you know you are alone, but you don't seem to know whether or not you are lonely. You don't ever have to be lonely if you don't want to. But it's up to you. If you're going to let it get you down, you'll probably just go back into more bad relationships. There's a difference between feeling bad and thinking you are a bad person. You don't have to submit to its influence if you don't want to.

There is no such thing as bad emotions. There are emotions, and then there are those things we're just not sure of. Your not a baby that has to be constantly entertained. You don't have to let your ego become an issue if you don't want to. You don't need a "sweetums", and you are better off without one. The quiet is just that. It's quiet. You don't have to fill the silence with sadness, and you don't need anyone to do it for you. Let yourself rejoice in it and be glad.

But do make a decision. You took your stand and you're not going to give up. Don't let your so-called friends, get you down. You broke free of a bondage, now find something else to put in its place. Don't let the space remain a vacuum. You will be worse off than when you started. You need a new hobby. You just need time to get used to things. It gets better with time. If you get blisters from your new shoes, stretch them out. It will be all right.

If you need to talk, find an internet support group. Create your own blog. Start a diary. Read a little pop psychology. Define your boundaries and let no one trespass on your private space. Make no exceptions and take no hostages. Be polite, be straight forward and let everyone know, it is what it is. They can take it or leave it.

Answer 11

What about family? Seems like you are getting a chance to work on yourself to be a better person (not saying that you arn't ) and attract better people to you.