What to do when your kid is not ready for your new partner?

Question

Ok. I was just divorced over the summer (May). I have a 9 and 19 year old. I met someone else and we actually been dating on the "down low" while the divorce was being finalized. We kept up the front that we were just "friends" to everyone around us. Well just last night I decided to tell my children that we are now dating. The 19 year old took it well....she even gave me some nice comments. The 9 year old got up and walked out and was upset. I understand her feelings seeing as my ex-husband was her real dad.

What should I do going forward? Do I just ditch the relationship because of her feelings? Do we go back to putting it in the closet? I probalby moved into this too soon but now it's done so just trying to figure what the best thing to do moving forward. Anyone else had this experience?

I've kept conversation with the 9 year old and her words were "I'm not ready for you to date".

Answer 1

Divorce is hard for everyone.  She will always want you to go back to her Father.  Just continue talking to her and state that you to are good friends.  

Answer 2

i would respect your daughter...and go back to the downlow thing until she is ready....she feels betrayed right now...first the divorced now this....time heals all wounds...go back to the down low until she heals.  

Answer 3

This is a tough situation. I think you should NOT give up your dating, but your dating shouldn't be shoved down your daughter's throat. I wouldn't be having your new bough over for dinner anytime soon. Keep your dating life separate from your children until they are a bit more comfortable and have accepted the fact that you and dad aren't getting back together again. Don't bring your boyfriend around your children for a while. He should be understanding how tough this is on her. Just give your daughter some time to digest the fact that you're dating someone other than her father. Things like this can take time. I commend you for talking with your kids and allowing them to express themselves. It's a good mother who listens to her children. But don't let your children dictate your life either. Remember, you are the parent. Best wishes to you and yours. :)

Answer 4

well ya, back in the closet.  YOU have been separated a long time in your mind, YOU knew it was comming, they didn't.  May is not very long for a kid.

Of course, you cant allow them to dictate things to you. You do have to keep the "power".  But, id be honest and tell her, you know i sprung this on you too soon, i will keep seeing him, however, you dont need to worry about it just yet.  But im a human, i need affection and it will happen. Being angry wont change it.

Answer 5

Here's the thing.. this is not your child's choice.  Your children should come first in your life unless you are married and once you are married your spouse should come first.  However, that does not mean that you let them run your life.  Your daughter will probably never be ready for you to date, she's young.. she will have to learn to deal with it.

Sit your daughter down and explain to her that Mommy and Daddy didn't love each other for a long time, but that doesn't mean that either of you didn't love her.  Tell her that you love her very much, and that just because Mommy's dating that DOESN'T mean she's getting a new Daddy.  Her Daddy will always be her Daddy and nothing will change that.  Tell her that you enjoy spending time with your new friend very much -- but don't force her to meet him and be all buddy buddy with him right yet.  I'd pretty much avoid bringing him around the kids until you KNOW you're getting serious (like moving in or engaged) because if it doesn't work out they may be too attached and it will be like the divorce all over again.  Make sure to keep the 9 year old out of your dating life until you find a potential live-in person or husband. :)

Don't stop dating just because your daughter isn't ready -- just handle the situation with care and be sure to show her lots of love!

Good luck!

Answer 6

On one hand, you absolutely need to make sure your daughter is comfortable with you dating. But on the other hand, this is still your life - you can't put it on hold for your daughter. If she had her way, you wouldn't date anyone eles for the rest of your life. So you can't let her dictate your dating life - not entirely.

However, you do need to make her comfortable with dating. Don't bring your boyfriend around her too much at first, keep them separate. But do talk about your boyfriend sometimes, so she will start to learn about him through you. If Denver is mentioned on TV, say "(insert his name here) is from Denver too!" Things of that nature.

Have him buy a few small things for her and then you give them to her. "Here, (insert his name here) bought this for you at a little store downtown."

Put a few pictures of him around the house so she sees them.

Basically, help her get comfortable with the *idea* of him. After six or so months of this, all of you can go somewhere together. Maybe a park or Chuck e Cheese, somewhere that she can have something fun to do without having to be forced to talk to him.

After a few dates like this, have him over to your house. If you're still living in the same house that your ex lived in, make sure your boyfriend doesn't sit in the chair your ex favored or sleep in your bed. Have him over for dinner, maybe your daughter could help you cook and then have your boyfriend praise her efforts.

Eventually, your daughter will come around. But it takes a long time. My current fiance has a 7-year old son, we dated for six months before I even met him. And then I didn't stay overnight at their house for a full year. So give it time, it takes awhile for kids to adjust so be patient and it will work out in the end.

Good luck!

Answer 7

It is too soon for her to be involved in YOUR relationship.

Just keep it on the DL, give it a while.  At least a year, at that point she will either be ready for it or she will have to deal w/ it.

You have not been w/ him long enough for your kids to be involved in your relationship.

Not saying you should not date, but be more careful and keep your child's feelings in mind.

Do a internet search on how to talk to your kid about you dating.  All the stuff will sound really g*y and cliche, but it actually works.

Answer 8

i agree emanon, parents should stay single until the children are 18. a lot of children that come from broken homes have troubles their whole lives because their parents are so selfish and only think about their lives. for me, my soon to be ex jumped right into a new relationship, actually left me for her.for me, i will wait until my 10 year old daughter is 18.

Answer 9

It's only been a few months. I'd have a longer conversation with her and ask her when she would be ready. 6 months? a year? Eventually you will be dating.  

Answer 10

Divorced parents with minor children should not date, shack up with or marry anyone until their youngest turns 18.  Just my opinion.

Answer 11

just explain to her that he will never take the place of her daddy, but you and her daddy couldnt get along and now u found someone to make u happy--u need to give her alot of TLC, she is only 9 after all!

Answer 12

You didn't waste any time did you? Sheesh-- you were still married and dating and you expect your child to just be happy about it all?? I think your 9 year old has been through enough.  She's hardly overcome the trauma of losing her family and you're off with some new guy? How about you put your love life on hold for a change, cool your jets, and parent your child with your undivided attention for a while? She's suffered enough  and doesn't need you focused on your little love life right now.

Unless that's the message you want to send: go from one man to the next regardless.

Answer 13

She's dealing with her parents getting divorced, and now you want her to accept another man in your life. I think a 9 year old needs more than three months to heal. Put her first.  

Answer 14

You should continue to see him.....but don't include your child.

It may take a lot longer than you'd like.....but remember you're finished with the marriage.....your child is not "finished" with their father.

That's what it feels like to them....so be patient and don't push it.