What to say to a friend who might be getting a divorce?

Question

My best friend has been married for three years to a guy who (at least over the last 6 months) has threatened her with divorce every few weeks. Every time it happens she is crushed and calls me. They've got some serious problems. He has cheated on her several times, he's had a prescription drug problem, she just had a baby 4 months ago, and she's not very interested in s*x, he lies about money to her...just to name a few. I hate to be a pessimist, but I do think they are on their way to divorce. When she calls me though, I don't know what to say. He's told her he wants a divorce, but most likely he is going to come back and say he didn't mean it within a day or two. She has tried to drag him to counseling with no success. He is a jerk, a poor excuse for a father or husband, but I don't want to say that to her because they are probably going to make up in a few days.....and there I am.....having just called him a jerk. How do you deal with this? I want to help my friend and give her good advice, but she doesn't listen to me anyway, and I end up looking bad if I say anything.

Answer 1

Tell her she is better off without the loser. When you see her, tell her "awwww" for me. she will feel better.  

Answer 2

You can't win, and you can't fix her. They're perfect for each other. He's an a**hole and she's a doormat. These people find each other. She hears you, but she's as wacked as he is, just in a different way, and this thing is filling a messed up need. All you can do when she calls you bawling about him is to ask her, "How does that make you feel?" and "What are you going to do about it?' You won't get any answers you can believe, but she'll maybe think about the answers herself.  

Answer 3

Don't give advice, give sympathy.  Next time you talk to her when she is in such a situation, pick a phrase:

- That must be so hard for you.

- It must have hurt when he said that.

- I'm always here to be your shoulder to cry on.

- You poor thing.

- You must be feeling very lonely right now.

- I don't know how you hold it together so well.

- Don't hold it in, get it off your chest.

- Etc.

Answer 4

just listen to her.  give her a shoulder to cry on.  you won't understand what she is going thru but just be a friend.  tell her everything is going to be alright.  

Answer 5

It all depends on what your goal is.  If all you want is to maintain the friendship, then do as others have suggested, be sympathetic and let her do the talking.  If you actually care enough to be honest with her and want to take the chance of losing a friendship in order to save a friend, then tell her the truth:  She's in a destructive relationship with a repeating pattern of hurt and pain, and it needs to stop.  Then leave it in her court to decide 1) If she wants to stop it, and 2) How she wants to stop it.  Let her know that you'll be there to help her if she wants to take steps to make the necessary changes in her life.  Don't make judgements or negative comments about either of them (such as calling him a jerk), just an objective and accurate assessment of the situation.  

Besides the effect this marriage is having on your friend, consider the effect it is having on you.  You are being involuntarily drawn in and undoubtedly it's wearing on you emotionally as well or you wouldn't be asking this question.  Perhaps you need to think about the role you want to play and decide if "best friend" in such a negative and destructive situation is what is best for you.  You can't change someone else's situation, but you can change your own.  Good luck.

Answer 6

Stay out of this....Don't offer any advice because it will just backfire.  Let her sort this out.  If she says anything to you ... I would simply state .... if I am not part of the problem or part of the solution then I cannot listen to this...state your boundary and stick to it.  I know that this is hard and it isn't fair for her to use you as her sounding board...that is what counselors are for.  A better way to state the above might be to say...I am your friend and always will be but I feel really bad that there is nothing that I can offer either you or your husband.  I have no words of wisdom to offer and it continues to hurt me that we discuss a matter that I cannot help with.  I would prefer that we steer clear of discussing your marriage as I have nothing helpful to offer.  Then leave it at that.

Good Luck

Answer 7

Just listen. If you are tired of listening to it then tell her. Say hey, ever time you call me crying it is about Bob. All you do is complain and cry over him. Then when I give advice you get mad at me. Either stop telling me the info and asking for advice or just divorce him and be happy.