What to say to my Auntie Mary?

Question

The other day, in conversation with my Auntie Mary, I offered to drive my Auntie Mary to church on Sunday, because Uncle Mortie is away on business, and Auntie Mary does not like to drive. She politely declined, saying I lived too far away, and she did not want to inconvenience me. I told her, "nonsense" and (foolishly) stated that I would be spending the night with my boyfriend at his apartment, who lives close to my Auntie, so it would be very convenient for me to drive her to church in the morning. She asked if we sleep together, and I said, "sometimes." Auntie Mary was apalled, and said many nasty things to me, and told me she would not come to my wedding. The truth is that I am still a virgin, and while I sometimes sleep with my boyfriend, we just cuddle together in bed; we have never made love. That we are saving for our wedding night. However, I was so shocked by Auntie Mary, that all I could do was cry. And, I also do not believe that my personal life is anyone's business, and that I should not have to explain this to anyone. Is it wrong that we sleep together before we are getting married? We don't have s*x; we just kiss and cuddle. We are both grown adults, I am 23 years old, he is 25 years old. And, what do I say to my Auntie Mary, or my daddy. I really don't want to say anything, and right now I just feel so humiliated. What would you girls do?

Answer 1

It was rude of her to ask that and then say all those mean things. You were not trying to shove anything in her face, so she should be able to deal with it. If they don't believe you that is their loss for letting something private like that affect your relationship. Even if you were having s*x, you are adults and can make your own religious and relationship decisions. Let your frustration out in whatever healthy way you can. Vent to your fiancé, cry, take a walk/run, take a warm bath, listen to music, read a book, whatever. In the future avoid mentioning spending the night, but don't feel bad if it slips. Address any drama with "I am sorry if my choices offended you, and I hope that you can still attend the wedding/ continue with our friendship". Don't bother defending your virginity unless you really want to, it should have nothing to do with it. You are engaged and in love, your relationship with God is your own business and you do not need to defend it to other people.

At least she didn't say she would rather you dead. Here is a true story for you, it’s a bit long but you may appreciate it. When my aunt was in her mid-twenties, she was over her future husband’s house celebrating her graduation. They had been drinking (legally). Her future husband then disappears somewhere in the house where he passes out and she realizes she is much too drunk to drink home. She calls her mother (my step-grandmother) and asks for a ride home, since even though she is in her twenties she is not allowed by her mother to spend the night over at that house. My grandmother gets upset, saying that she can't drive since it’s too late and that she should get her boyfriend to drive her home. She says that everyone there is too drunk to drive, and if she couldn't give her a ride she would have to spend the night. My grandmother gets very upset, and insists that my aunt drive herself home. My aunt says again that she is too drunk and that it isn't safe. My grandmother gets flustered, says "Well...better dead than pregnant!" and hangs up! My grandmother also expected that when my other aunt’s lease went up a month before her wedding that she would move home for a month and then move in with her fiancé after the wedding. She had been worn down a bit by then and eventually let up on it.

I am sorry that your aunt was so mean, and I hope it does not interfere with what is supposed to be a happy day. Good luck with everything.

Answer 2

Auntie Mary is clearly living in the dark ages.  Does she expect two modern 20 somethings to not have any sort of physical contact?  Oh, gosh....poor Auntie Mary needs to get with the times.

In all honesty, it's not any of her business.  You sound like a lovely girl, very respectful, well-mannered and polite.  Even if you did decide to have sexual relations before marriage, that does not mean you are immoral or any less admirable. I am 24 and I have been having s*x since 18.  I'm not a ****, never slept around and I'm not anyone you would look at and deem "immoral"   In fact, people often comment on my maturity level.  But, do I have to throw out my good reputation because I'm not a virgin or I decided to sleep in the same bed with a man before marriage.   NO!!!

Auntie Mary is clearly hung up on social traditions and isn't looking at you as a person.  If she loved you, she's realize what a lovely young women you've become, not concern herself with your personal s*x life and be thankful for having such a lovely, talented, mature and responsible niece.   But, clearly Auntie Mary is bored with her own life and stuck in the dark ages.  I'm guessing she has no children of her own or else she might have a different outlook on our generation.

Next time she brings it up, say....."Auntie Mary, I'm not the type of girl that talks about my personal, private relationship with others; especially elderly relatives.  It's making me uncomfortable and I don't wish to share that information with you."    Also, I would stop offering to help Auntie Mary so willingly.   Still be respectful.  But, obviously, she's ungrateful.  You offered a very nice gesture, which was very polite and she was too concerned with something that isn't any of her business.

Answer 3

Is it wrong? That depends on what you believe is right and wrong. I would not do so, because of the way in which I define appropriate behaviour.

However, regardless of whether it is right or wrong your Aunt Mary shouldn't have said that sort of thing. Do you feel humiliated because of what she said, or because she thought that you were having s*x? Figure out which one it is, and confront her on the part that hurt. And remember, if you want your personal life to be none of her business then a) keep it personal and don't share it with her and b) respect that fact that she is entitled to her opinions of your actions - those are her personal thoughts.  

Answer 4

You sound like a very nice and caring person who loves her family.  If it were me in your shoes I'd probably write her a letter and say something like

Dear Auntie Mary

My feelings were very hurt during our last conversation.  When you asked me if I ever slept with my boyfriend I thought you meant literally and that's how I answered you.  Yes, we have slept together but that's all we did.  My moral values came from my family and I'm saving myself until my marriage.  I respect my self, my values and my family too much to compromise my beliefs by not waiting.  I am so very fortunate that I have met and fallen in love with a man who also respects me and my values and doesn't try to push me into doing something I'm not ready for.  I know that in today's world it's hard to believe that there are people like me but I'm proud of who I am and I would like for you to be proud of me too.  I hope you'll change your mind about attending our wedding but if you chose to stay away please know that I won't hold it against you and that I'll always love you.  

Your niece

I know that many will not agree with what I've written but this is my opinion and this is what I'd do.  I hope that she'll be apologetic and offer you the apology you so richly deserve.  Good luck and I have to say that I admire you and your boyfriend very much for being able to resist temptation.  I hope you both have a long and blessing filled life together.

Answer 5

My husband and I lived together before we were married but we also saved ourselves. People have a hard time believing that because temptation is so great.

I learned that you have to stand up and tell them that although you sleep together you are not having intercourse. Just tell them the truth. Don't allow people to disrespect your name by saying things about you that aren't true(like sleeping with your boyfriend. My dad and I talked about it and he appreciated me telling him.

Answer 6

i would call her and explain what you ment bye like you guys dont do anything bad  

Answer 7

It seems that you have a couple options:

1.  Just let it go.  Don't say anything else and just leave it in the past.  Should someone bring it up again, decline to comment.  After all, it is none of their business.

2.  Apologize to your Aunt.  Not necessarily that you are sorry for what you said, but sorry that she misunderstood you.  She may have meant if you were sexually active, as "sleeping together" is a prudish phrase for s*x, instead of just literally sleeping together.  

        example:  "Auntie Mary, I am so sorry that you misunderstood me the other day.  I am not sexually active and I intend to stay that way until my wedding night.  Your comments really hurt me.  I hope that you don't think any less of me because of this confustion and I hope that you will still come to my wedding."

Me personally, I would act like it didn't happen and just move on.  Unless Aunty Mary or your daddy said something to you, then I would explain it.  Often times, the initial reaction is bad, but people calm down after time.  But if this isn't the case and Auntie Mary is giving you the cold shoulder, offer the apology.

Answer 8

First of all I want to compliment you on keeping your virginity until marriage. I know it isn't easy, but well worth it.

Your aunt is probably not going to understand no matter what you say. Your father needs to be talked to by you before the aunt gets to him.

Let him explain things to the aunt.

Just be up front with your dad and make it clear from the start that the aunt jumped to the wrong idea.

Answer 9

here is what i would do!  Tell her to F off!

but that's me!

i wouldn't sugguest doing that!

try calling your aunt and tell her how you feel!  say i didn't think anything was wrong with sleeping with him!  and when she brings up s*x then state you didn't say if we had s*x or not.. we sleep together!  Plus none of this is really any of your business!  so why are you prying into mine!  ect!

ask questions and tell her how you feel about how she reacted!

if your really 23 years old then you don't have to answer to them or your daddy.. you have to answer to yourself!  and that's the bottom line!

Answer 10

Aunt Mary is a prude!

She will get over it when she

see's that she is the  only one

appalled at this.  No, it's not

wrong that you sleep together (as long

as you use protection)!

Answer 11

of course that isn't wrong. In fact, I am impressed you are still a virgin and are able to lay in bed and sleep with him without giving into the other temptations. Kudos! I actually have lived with my fiance for almost 4 years now so to me what you are doing is tame and highschool -esque. lol.  h**l, I have slept int he same bed as some of my girlfriends.

If you want them at your wedding and they won't come. Assure them you are still a virgin and tell them that you never do anything to jeapordize that.

Good luck and congrats hun!