What to say when my son ask if his birth mom was a bad person?

Question

My son's birth mom had every, and I mean every chance to get her kids back, but she would not hold down a job, get a place to live, a car, feed them, clean them, etc. She would skip all her parenting classes and fail her drug test. Eventually she lost all of her children.

My son has a half-brother who lives near us and we visit quite often because I want him to develop a bond and relationship with him. His half-brother is 7 years older. They both have the same birth mother, her children were in and out of the system for over 5 years before rights were taken away.

My son understand and knows he is adopted, but I have never really went into the real reason why, I have always tried to keep it simple that we were meant to be together and that we picked each other, that he had a birth mommy that could not take care of him, so he became our son. He is only 5 so I don't think he needs to know the whole truth. The issue is, that his half-brother has started to tell him things

Answer 1

I would tell him that his mother was not a bad person, but she had problems with drugs which made her unable to take care of things.  

Consider this.  The biggest reason why people abuse drugs is due to untreated mental problems including depression.  Does that make them bad people? No. Addiction is a powerful thing and even I don't fully understand it.

Answer 2

Some of this I would not share in till he is older but if the half brother is telling this to him maybe you need to have a talk with his parents. I don’t find some of this appropriate age discussion for a 7 year old either. As far as his birthmother clearly she was / is not the best person, but I wouldn’t outright tell him that ever. He will eventually learn what kind of person she is or was.

Who knows maybe one day she will get her act together. That will never change the fact that drugs and whatever else she was doing  were more important then her kids. Then trying to be a good mother.  Just like I know my birthmother wasn’t the most upstanding person my parents never told me that but as I was older and learned more that’s was my own conclusion. Just have to be there for him at least he has people he can depend on when he couldnt depend on his birthmother

Answer 3

I think you have done good so far, but I would say that she was sick, because a drug addiction is an illness.  I think you should tell him that she was sick so she couldn't care for them like you can and that is why he was adopted.

Answer 4

you never, ever, ever tell an adoptee that their mother was a bad person.

when you criticize his mother, your criticize his DNA.  therefore, you criticize HIM.

Answer 5

While I firmly believe that there are generally no bad people in the world (ok, there are plenty but not in the sense of what we are talking about here), there are people who are bad for each other.  

When my little one gets old enough I'm just going to keep it simple and explain that her birth mom loved her very much (I don't doubt that for a second) but that she was unable to take care of her.  As time goes on and she gets older we will discuss the drugs and alcohol and how they led to many of the birth mom's problems but I will never once even allude to anyone as a "bad person"

What you're doing is probably for the best.  Keep it simple and keep it respectful.  There is no point in slagging anyone or allowing anyone to be slagged in situations like this.

Answer 6

I agree with the answer Randy B gave about letter them know that their birth mother loved them but was unable to care for them and she wanted a better life for them.  

I have adopted three from a similar situation and have faced this question from all of them.

Answer 7

dont tell him that, if needed leave out details, its messed up and she might not deserve any kindness but still he is just a kid, maybe when he grows up let him make up his mind for himself, telling him his birthmom is a bad person could make him feel like that is how he will end up or a sense of worthlessness,, no kid needs that

Answer 8

I would never tell him that she was a bad person (despite ample evidence to the contrary).  I would just stick with what you have told him so far--that she couldn't take care of him.  Tell him she was "sick," which would not be entirely inaccurate.

You can't really control what he hears from his older brother, but you can at least see that you don't say disrepectful things about his mother.  I am sure that he will put the pieces together for himself as he gets older.

Answer 9

I was going to recommend you talk to the half brother and tell him that, while he's old enough to know more, it's a bit much for a boy as young as age 5.  He probably only just learned these things, and wants to share and educate his younger brother.  

Explain to the older boy that you were hoping to tell the younger boy more when he started to ask or about age 12, whichever came first.  Explain to him that if the younger boy was ready to learn more, he'd have asked questions, but the only questions he's asking right now are because of added information the brother has given him.  Ask him if he could wait till his brother asks more, and let you answer the questions, or wait till your boy is closer to age 12.  

Tell the older boy that his mom had a hard life and just didn't make good choices.  Remind him that, one thing that she did do well was let the boys go so they could have homes with parents who could care for them better which she just wasn't ready to do.  

The 5 year old doesn't need to know all the details at this age.  When he's older, he'll want to know more.  Most kids start asking questions when they are ready to learn more.  I think the way you're explaining things works fine.

I think if you explain this to the older boy, he'll help by waiting till his brother is older and more ready for the information.

cw

Answer 10

I can only give you insight from my own personal experience. My daughter was placed in foster care at 3 years old, due to my drug problem and lack of finances. She was in foster care for 15 months. The last foster home she was in, the pfoster parents  took her to the jail and showed her a display of drugs when she was 4, and told her that was the reason she was not with me. DFCS came down pretty hard on the foster parents. DFCS stated that it was not in my daughter's best interest for them to do that, and she was not emotionally ready for such a thing. My advice to you would be for you to contact a counsleor, have them talk to your son and let them tell you what the best decision would be. Sometimes, you want so bad to tell the truth, but it is simply not the best at that time. I would definately suggest asking an outside party what the best thing would be for your child.

Answer 11

You've done right to keep it simple.

Keep on doing that.

He is far too young to be laboured with anything beyond the simplest things and criticism towards a mother he could one day want to find will be just like criticism levelled against him and his very own DNA.

Answer 12

You might want to (eventually) have them attend some Al-Anon meetings.  I don't think NA has meetings for family and friends.

Also, the best book I have ever read about addiction is this one--it might help you:

http://www.amazon.com/Addictive-Personal...

Thank you for your concern about your kid's feelings.  I wish you the best.

Answer 13

Keep things simple the best way you can. Be honest, but dont paint a horrible picture for him.

I dont see why a 5 year old would need to know the whole storey just yet. 5 year olds dont really understand, so I think what your doing now is great.

Maybey you could have a word with his half brothers. I am not sure what good it will do, but its worth a try.

Good luck

Answer 14

Tell him his Mommy was not able to take care of him and help hime grow up to be a big strong man and so she asked somebody to help her do that for her! Hope this helps!

Answer 15

Sometimes, when you're afraid you're going to fail, it's just easier to fail on purpose than to keep trying and failing.  An addict's brain keeps telling them they're just not good enough, they're going to fail anyway, they may as well give up and go get drunk/high because there's no point in trying.  

It's ok for him to feel sad and angry about that.  As long as he knows that it's not his fault, he needs to know his truth, age-appropriate, of course.  I wish you the best of luck.  I know this is a tough thing to deal with.

Answer 16

Hi Renee,

I would never say first mother was a bad person.  I would say she was a troubled person who made some bad choices.  Sometimes people who do drugs have problems thinking clearly and therefore make bad choices.  It does not mean that his first mother was a bad person and remind your son that he also did nothing wrong.  This is an adult issue and has nothing to do with him.

Answer 17

Just tell him that she had some problems that would not allow her to take care of him the way he deserved to be taken care of. If he's old enough to know about drugs then you can tell him her problems stemmed from addiction to the drugs. Don't put down his mother in front of him as she is a part of him. Drugs are very powerful and can take hold of a persons life and make them do things they would never do otherwise. It's actually a sickness not a character flaw. You as well as some of your answerers should be aware of this. Edit:  Yes you should talk to his half brother. But don't expect it to do anygood. Kids will be kids.