What to tell the kids....

Question

Some of you may remember that my mother-in-law passed away suddenley on April 25th - she had been in ICU for 8 days prior to her passing.

Well, my father in law, who has COAD (Lung Disease) End Stage has taken a turn for the worse and developed a MASSIVE chest infection.

The nursing home where he is called an Ambulance and he is now in hospital. Because he is a pallative care patient they are not treating him too aggressively, just giving him anti-biotics and seeing if he picks up but we were warned that he probably will not pull through.

So, with only 3 months since nana died and emotions still very raw in this house, I need some suggestions on how to tell them.

Should I be blunt and then just try to help them cope with it or be subtle and get them used to the idea?

Answer 1

Sorry to hear about that. Its definitely a hard time for you all right now.

I think its best to be honest with them but maybe just sugar coat the edges for the younger ones, for example: 'Grandpa is going up to see nana'. That way it will give them a bit of comfort to know they are together.

Hope i helped.

Answer 2

I say don't tell them.  Let there last memories with him be happy ones.  You don't want them sad or to be scared of him.

Answer 3

Gosh..I remember when my grandpa died..I was about ten, my Dad sat us all around the table, as my Mom had gone to the hospital with her Dad..He told us that grandpa was gone...We all cried..He had a heart attack..In my experience, warning is the best way to go..You have a bit of time to get adjusted to it..I would just sit them down, and tell them a bit of what is going on and tell them that he may not pull out of it..You think he wants to go see Grandma..Having warning does not make it easier, but it's better than shock..Good luck, and Im so sorry  

Answer 4

Tell them the truth. just say that grandpa is very sick, and needs lots of love from his family before he passes away. ease the hurt with lots of hugs and kisses, let them cry as much as they need to. maybe you could all make a card for him together.  

Answer 5

I think you should just tell the older one's exactly what is going on, the 2yr old may not understand...you can tell that one more gentler...I think they get the idea by everyone else's reactions anyways..just don't scare'm

Answer 6

When I was little and my grandpa passed away he was also in the hospital for a while. Although they had no indication he was going to pass away, because it was from a complication that happened in the hospital. But when he went into the hospital, my mother told me. When he died, she told me that too. I coped it with it very well. Of course I was sad, but I'm glad she did it that way and didn't sugar coat it for me. I think if she had, I would have been more confused. But you know your kids better than anyone, if you don't think they can handle the blunt truth, then you may need to work around that.

Answer 7

I don't know how religious you are or if you believe in God and all but would tell them that Grandpa has been sick for awhile now and it's almost his time to go be with nana in Heaven. The doctors have done all they can but it's not up to them when he goes, it's up to God. Maybe you could all say a prayer that Grandpa find his way to Nana if God decides it's his time.

For your youngest I wouldn't say much bcause it will be hard to understand. if the youngest notices others sad and crying and asks what's wrong then you can say "Grandpa is sick and we are sad because he might not be with us anymore"

Answer 8

Just be straight up with themand tell them the truth.  It will be hard, but you can do all you can to help them through.  Poor kids.  I'll pray for all of you.

Answer 9

I was almost 12 when my grandma died. she'd had heart issues for the last 6 mos. and during those 6 mos. I was hardly allowed to see her. Let them know in a gentle but honest way so that they can make the most of the time.  

Answer 10

I would tell them this way.. Grandpa is very sick right now and he in the hospital. They don't know if he going to make it or live any longer. Maybe they would want to pray or make a get well card for their grandpa. I know this got to be hard on them and even telling them. I think it best to tell them now just to prepare them in case he does pass away.. Sorry.. Keep your family  in my prayers..

Answer 11

just say

my father in law is a little bit ill at the moment but you dont need to worry

and say it in a sweet voice

so they get the point but thinks it will be ok

Answer 12

The 15 and 12 year old should be told the whole truth and just let them cry in your arms because that is the only thing you can do. For the 8 and 9 year old, make it a little bit more kid friendly. Something like "You know how Nana is up in heaven with _____ (a pet or another family member that they knew that has passed). Well Nana and Grandpa (or whatever they call your father in law) miss each other very much, so Grandpa is going to go live with Nana. He loves you very much, but he is very sick and he will feel much better up in heaven." As for the 2 year old, I wouldn't say anything to him/her.  

Answer 13

tell them that papa is not doing good and there is a good chance that he is gonna be able to see nana again. just be truthful and answer any questions they ask.

**sorry to hear you are having a rough time***

Answer 14

Tell them the Truth, thats all you can do.

Answer 15

Tell them. Young kids are very resilient.  saying that he going to join Nana because she is missing him is probably a good tack for the younger ones.

Answer 16

Awww honey, I am so sorry. xxxx

We talked to our elder boys this year about death and sickness this year, after a friend was in a serious workplace accident. While they couldn't understand while their Uncle Shane was in an accident, I think they did understand that his body needed to rest for awhile to get better.

The discussion was met with a lot of Why questions, and a lot of explaining. So if you do choose to explain to them, give it some time.

I feel they do need to know, especially if they are close to their Poppy. A lot of it really depends on what you as a family believe in. I know a lot of people believe in Heaven. You could explain when we grow old we move on to a wonderful place, filled with friends and loved ones Poppy knew a long time ago. And that no matter what their Nanna & Poppy are watching out for them in their new home in the sky.

As a Buddhist I believe in reincarnation, which is a whole lot harder to explain to young children.

I lost my father (foster) when I was 18yo & I know even then it rocked my world - not for the good.

I planted my Dad's favourite Rose Bush in my Garden, and had a little plaque made for him, with his picture on it. It's my memory of my father, and I still go and talk to him that way. It was how and is how I cope.

I do think they should be told, and given their chance to say Goodbye, if it is in their wishes to do so.

I am so sorry, and I hope it doesn't come to this.

You will be in my thoughts.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Answer 17

my little girl lost her great grandma in october and she had just turned 2 and i just explained if you believe in heaven we read a few books and explained that her grandfather needed grandma so they went to heaven to see him and my husbands mom and she was ok with it and that was it and everytime we go by the house she says mamaw is in heaven and happy

but as that might work wiith the 2 and 8 year old but the olest three should be able to handle the truth as he is dying and it is ok as he has lived a full happy life and now it is time for him to go meet up with nan

Answer 18

there wont be any nice way of telling them just sit them all down together at the table and explain to them whats going on and then answer any questions they might have also telling them together at least they can comfort each other  

Answer 19

omg you have all been thru the mill so i suppose nothing will make it easier ! but what if you told them there papa is going to be with nan and that will make them very happy as they are back together again it will be hard tho there is no doubt of that good luck and your in our prayers x x x  

Answer 20

I would tell them that Grandpop is missing Nanna so much that he wants to take a trip to join her. I think they would understand this. I'm so sorry for your loss and hope that everything works out for  you.

Answer 21

I dont know how old ya kids are hun, but honesty is always the best policy. They would be picking up on the extra stress in the house anyway. Do it gently, and good luck *hugs*

Answer 22

I would be honest with them, give them the real details that you know, in words that they can understand.  Also let them know that there are things that you and the doctors don't know and can't know, really.  

Then, be ready to answer their questions & keep an eye out for any unusual emotional behavior, so that you can help them through.