What would a responsible parent do?

Question

I am a single parent of two teenaged boys, 17 and 19. I've been blessed with the fact that they're both wonderful, get good grades, and we have a very honest and open relationship. Because of this, I have allowed them great freedoms, and given them quite a bit of room to make their own decisions in life.

The problem is, they seem to be s******g up. For example, I have caught my 17 year old drinking twice in the past six months, and he was recently busted for trying to buy a six-pack of beer with a fake ID. Also, another parent recently pointed out FaceBook pictures of him smoking a joint after prom. In that same FaceBook album were many pictures of my 19yo drinking- funnelling beer (beer bongs), doing stupid stuff, and passed out in the bathtub.

These guys are good kids, but are doing stupid c**p. Their response to me was "This is what kids do- neither of them have a problem..", and they feel my suggestion to attend a Drug and Alcohol Awareness program is unreasonable. They feel that it shows lack of trust on my part, and that I think they're unable to make responsible decisions.

I desparately want to believe them, but I also want to do the right thing. I don't want to be the parent that has been snowed by their kids- especially after showing such great trust for them.

What would a responsible parent do? I would like suggestions from both parents and kids, as I respect the views from both sides of the fence.

Answer 1

Passed out in a bathtub, ay? Yeah, I drank in highschool, never got wasted.  When I was 23, I drank very heavily off a bottle of crown and a bottle of Jose, and passed out and was rushed to the ER.  Scary, not to mention humiliating.  

Instead of just simply suggesting the drug and alcohol awareness program, tell them that if they are going to drink, they are going to learn about what they are doing.  No questions.  It's not you saying they're unable to make their own decisions, it's you saying "I've caught you making bad decisions, and if you are going to continue, you are going to attend these classes." Also, maybe tell them this: "I'm putting the responsibility in your hands.  If you are going to make the decision to do these things, then you will learn about it and what you are doing. So, you either quit drinking and getting stoned, or you continue and take these classes, ON THE WEEkENDS". Especially your `17 year old.

Unfortunately, there's nothing scarier or deadlier than a drunk or otherwise messed up teenager.  

You are the parent, grounding will not work at these ages. Make them talk to kids who have killed/injured somebody under the influence. The kids who are paraplegic because their best friend got drunk behind a wheel.  The kids who are in jail because they thought it was alright to buy some bud and the dude was an undercover police officer making a case against all their friends.  SEND 'EM TO JAIL FOR A NIGHT.

Tell them that they can get their friends arrested even if their friends are sober (what happened to me).

The only way to true responsibility is to take risks ONLY when you know the consequences.  A lesson they should be learning at this age :)

Good luck

Answer 2

Tell them that drinking too much on the weekends can ruin your liver and kill you. Smoking marijuana is different from cigarette smoking and if they smoke on occasion it is nothing to worry about, because your lungs can clear out and fix it. Also tell them driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs is very dangerous, and will be rewarded with very serious consequences either in the car or at home. If you really want them to stop let them see you cry and say you are worrying about them, it is emotional leverage but sometimes it's the only thing that works. Alcohol and marijuana are not physically addictive, but it is very hard to stop doing either if you are doing these things on a regular basis. Just do a little research. Also a drug test to them would seem very vain because you have already caught them. Then again, after you say you are dissatisfied with this behavior, but do what you want. They are probably subconsciously doing these behaviors because they are trying to split away from you and get ready 'to be their own man'. They will soon realize that these are very expensive behaviors, in more than just the pocketbook.

Answer 3

First off, don't think you're anything BUT a responsible parent-you're doing something about it or at least trying! Kis though, will be kids, and they are at least doing this now rather than aged 12 or 12. I think the idea or the workshop is a good one-ask them to do it for you, say it's important to you that if they are going to go out drinking, etc that they know what it does to their bodies. Explain to them that they don't need alcohol to have a good time! And good luck!!!

Answer 4

Lack of trust on your part? You trusted them and they did what you asked them not to do. There is a such thing as too much freedom for teens. Take it away, as in ground them, for a couple weeks and see how it changes everything. They will see how precious freedom really is as well as respecting their mother's wishes. The Drugs and Alcohol Awareness program is a great idea, take them. It doesn't mean you don't trust them, just that you want them to be aware of the consequences they face for doing this and what has happened to others who went down the same path and tried the same things.

Good Luck!

Answer 5

I don't think the awareness program will help matters--not b/c it isn't important for them to learn, but b/c teens feel invincible--that nothing will hurt them or set them back. They will attend and continue to do what they have been doing. However, not addressing this is not responsible. You haven't shown a lack of trust...you have shown full trust...they have broken your trust. I would find a way to discipline them that both accounts for the fact that they are trying to be more independent and the fact that they are acting like immature children. If they want independence, they must make responsible decisions. Until they can prove themselves able to handle adult decisions, they will be treated like children--to some extent. Obviously they are doing this outside of your home when with friends. So, if that is on the weekend, perhaps you need to ban them from going out a couple of weekends in a row. Fake ID's? Take away their driver's liscense for a week. Do not ground them for an eternity or take away things that they are good at/successful in at this point. Also, make the punishment fit the crime. they will experiment and they will take risks....but you as the parent need to understand when the experiment gets out of hand. If this is a one time situation, fine...but if this is a repeated problem, then you will need to act more severely.  

Answer 6

Need to explain to them that there is a difference between drinking a little and doing drugs and drinking a lot.  I can say as a dad that i do drink a bit but my kids have not saw me drunk.  I guess you are leading by a good example.  But need to just let them know your expectations and what you think is right and wrong with what they are doing.  do not support these habits and see what they do since they are old enough to do what they are going to anyway.  do not threaten them just voice your opinion.

rd

Answer 7

You have been the best parent you can be, but u gotta face it, they messed up. Now, is not gonna help them to go to the drug and alcohol awareness because they know is wrong. what you need to do is to give them a drug test every week so they will become drug free. tell them that you did trust that they could make good and responsible decisions but since you've found out that they don't now it has to be ur way. so tell them that they need to stop using drugs and alcohol and if they tell u that they will stop then just tell them that you will give them another chance but since they won't have nothing to fear that you will give them a random urine test to just be ready for it. it will be like as if they were on probation. but actually do it!!! that way they'll know you are being serious. Good luck!!

Answer 8

let them know you do not approve. tell them you have trusted them and don't want to lose that trust. unfortunately they are at that age where they will be easily influenced by peers. they will experiment. the best you can hope for is you taught them well and they will get through it.