What would it take to make you give up your child?

Question

No matter how much someone was pushing you, telling you it was the best thing to do, would you still want to keep your child or would you give them up?

If you yourself were sure that you could parent a child, would you allow yourself to be coerced into relinquishing your child?

If you did, is any of the responsibility yours, or is it all the person or people who told you that was best?

Answer 1

A rich girl named Patty Hearst robbed a bank.

Answer 2

My story is one that I am sure is not in the minority, I will tell it again and try to make my standpoint seen and heard.

I am anorexic. I am fully aware of how destructive this can be for a child to live with. I made the choice to place my son in foster care in order to get healthy and gain control of my insane eating practices. I was given no support in obtaining the necessary treatments and was essentially on my own to deal with an addiction that was slowly killing me. I tried and gave it my all but the treatment was dangled in front of me only to be yanked away, time and time again. After less than a year in care my son's foster parents talked to the social worker and asked that "IF" Justin was ever to become adoptable they would like to be given the first shot at it. The social worker took it upon herself to make this deal happen. She hauled me into her office and handed me an ultimatum that any loving parent would bow down to. Either I voluntarily signed over my parental rights and allowed his foster family to adopt him  or the courts would terminate my rights by force and he would be sent to a new foster home. She also informed me that since he was over 2 he was considered unadoptable and would spend the rest of his youth in care, bounced from foster home to foster home, never knowing the security of a family. What choice did I have given those terms? Would any loving mother allow their child to have no stability for 16 years? Would any mother knowingly put their child through the hardships of living within the foster system? Not I! I did what was necessary to ensure my son had some semblance of normalcy in his life. I signed the papers and allowed his adoption to be pushed through. Had I not they would have been able to terminate my rights. I had no access to the high profile lawyers at the government's beck and call.  I was given a mere 10 months to overcome an addiction to food that had taken me 10 years to form.

I do not believe that the blame lies on anyone. The social worker was doing her job, performing the tasked mandated to her. I was not innocent either, I should have been able to see that foster care was not the easy way to recovery. I should have fought harder to keep Justin in my care from day one. But hindsight is 20/20 and at 30 I am far more able to see the repercussions of my actions than I was as a scared and sick 19 year old.

***Could you fight for a child knowing this is where your own flesh and blood would end up? Could you be selfish enough to believe you could win against a system where natural mothers loose no matter how hard they try? Could you condemn your baby to this reality http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UzNvAJQZ7...

Answer 3

It’s hard to say unless you have been in this position. If I could not provide the best life possible for my child, then yes I would place the child  for adoption. I would give the adoptive parents any medical information I had on myself.  I have always been independent and was never talked into doing something I didn’t want to do.

Answer 4

I just can't fathom giving away a baby that grew inside me for nine months. But that is just me and I have not been put into a situation where that decision was laid upon me. Until you walk a mile in another person's shoes, how could you know for sure what you would do if you happen to be in that situation?

Answer 5

You are asking a question about REAL babies.  In a crisis pregnancy, the baby is not yet real.  It is only the idea of a baby, not a real human being into whose eyes the mother has gazed.  This is why adoption agencies try to force an adoption "plan" prior to the birth of the child - and why, after the birth, so many mothers change their minds.

To answer your question, ask the adoption agencies - they know what it takes.

Proof of Coercion - in the Adoption Industry's Own Words

    " Unwed mothers should be punished and they should be punished by taking their children away." - Dr. Marion Hilliard of Women's College Hospital, Toronto. Daily Telegraph (November 1956)

    "To the Province generally the great advantage and economy of the Adoption Act can be realized when it is stated that many of the children before their adoption were costing five and six dollars a week for maintenance." - 35th Report of the Superintendent of Neglected and Dependent Children (Ontario, 1928)

    ".... if an unmarried child gives birth to a baby, those circumstances alone ought to justify apprehension of the baby before the baby leaves the hospital unless the unmarried child mother can show that she has a viable plan for looking after and rearing her baby." - "Board Review" for the Child Welfare System (Canada, 1983) [NOTE: no mention is made of ensuring that the mother has access to social assistance, or that apprehending her baby violates her basic human rights!]

The following quotes were provided courtesy of Karen Wilson Buterbaugh:

- Evidence of the consumer demand they fed by taking our babies, treating us as breeders:

    "... the tendency growing out of the demand for babies is to regard unmarried mothers as breeding machines...(by people intent) upon securing babies for quick adoptions." - Leontine Young, "Is Money Our Trouble?" (paper presented at the National Conference of Social Workers, Cleveland, 1953)

    ". . . babies born out of wedlock [are] no longer considered a social problem . . . white, physically healthy babies are considered by many to be a social boon . . . " (i.e. a valuable commodity..). - Social Work and Social Problems (National Association of Social Workers, 1964)

    "Because there are many more married couples wanting to adopt newborn white babies than there are babies, it may almost be said that they rather than out of wedlock babies are a social problem. (Sometimes social workers in adoption agencies have facetiously suggested setting up social provisions for more 'babybreeding'.)" SOCIAL WORK AND SOCIAL PROBLEMS, National Association of Social Workers, (Out-of-print) copyright 1964

- how they justified the coercion and abductions:

    "When a worker can see that, had the unmarried mother wanted a baby for normal reasons, she would have fallen in love, married, and had a child under normal circumstances, the worker's problem begins to resolve itself..." OUT OF WEDLOCK, Leontine Young.

    ". . . women having out-of wedlock children tend to be rather disturbed people. While the American middle-class girl flouting the conventions by an illegitimate pregnancy may well be emotionally sicker than her English, working-class cousins."- Jane Rowe, adoption social worker, 1950 - 1970

    "White girls who have illegitimate babies by coloured men are often emotionally ill as well as socially defiant."- Jane Rowe, adoption social worker 1950 - 1970

    "An agency has a responsibility of pointing out to the unmarried mother the extreme difficulty, if not the impossibility, if she remains unmarried, of raising her child successfully in our culture without damage to the child and to herself .... The concept that the unmarried mother and her child constitute a family is to me unsupportable. There is no family in any real sense of the word." Joseph H. Reid, Principles, Values, and Assumptions Underlying Adoption Practice, 1956 NAT'L CON. SOC. WORK.

    " The fact that social work professional attitudes tend to favor the relinquishment of the baby, as the literature shows, should be faced more clearly. Perhaps if it were recognized, workers would be in less conflict and would therefore feel less guilty about their "failures" (the kept cases)." - Social worker Barbara Hansen Costigan, in her dissertation, "The Unmarried Mother--Her Decision Regarding Adoption" (1964)

    "If the demand for adoptable babies continues to exceed the supply then it is quite possible that, in the near future, unwed mothers will be "punished" by having their children taken from them right after birth. A policy like this would not be executed -- nor labeled explicitly -- as "punishment." Rather, it would be implemented through such pressures and labels as "scientific findings," "the best interests of the child," "rehabilitation of the unwed mother," and "the stability of the family and society." Unmarried Mothers, by Clark Vincent, 1961)

And from an adoption agency manual currently in use across North America:

    " OVERCOME OBJECTIONS AND STEREOTYPES

    " Counselors must be trained to give women sound reasons that will counter the desire to keep their babies. One example is to reinforce the notion that it takes a strong, mature woman to place a child for adoption. Honestly addressing the issue of financial survival can be compelling as well. Counselors must communicate that adoption can be an heroic, responsible choice and that the child benefits tremendously ..." - From The Missing Piece: Adoption Counseling In Pregnancy Resource Centers by Curtis J. Young. Family Research Council (2000).

Answer 6

your child~your responsibility.  i would never ever give up my child.  ever.  the person pushing my be trying to look out for you or may be doing it for their own personal gain. whatever the case may be, dont be influenced by someone so naive.

Answer 7

i could not give up my daughter now.  However if i were 15 or 16 when i had her the thought would of crossed my mind.  i know it did when i had a pregnancy scare at 17

Answer 8

you just don't listen to people, you can ask for advice but you take what you want and drop the rest.  i am giving my baby up for adoption and i made the decision, yes i have alot of people telling me to keep it and some telling me to give it away.  thing is it's not their choice its mine.  i am doing whats best for MY situation.

Answer 9

I would still keep my child. I made it therefore I would do whatever I had to do in order to take care of my child except become a stripper or hooker.

Answer 10

I don't understand, I thought you believed adoption was such a great thing, why wouldn't you want to give up a child?

I must have you confused with someone else, because I thought you were very pro-adoption.

Pregnancy can be a very frightening time even for women who are supported with money and husbands, there are a lot of forces at work on a pregnant woman, and adoption agencies act like it will be in the child's best interest, I think it would be quite easy to get rooked into giving your baby up.

In my experience, I didn't lose my baby, but the people who suggested it to me, were health care practitioners, the midwife, I was very healthy in my pregnancy but obviously she was working on commission, and given that I fit the demographic, middle class, white,in school, she gave my info to the social worker and the next thing you knew I had pamphlets of cherubs with the slogan, "a hard choice for you, the loving choice for your baby"

the loving choice not, A loving choice.  Had I been more scared and vulnerable I think I would have felt differently.  As it was I just disconnected from it.  

It is very easy to say you would not give up your child, but why wouldn't pro-adoption people want to give up their children?

That is just confused.

Answer 11

You couldn't make me give up any of my children ever, for anything.  And they're grown!

Answer 12

People must make their own decisions based upon their own research. If someone allows themselves to be coerced, they must take responsibility for their part in that.

Yes, some blame would go to the person coercing, but unless they're threatening a life, the other person can always say no and stand up for what they believe in.

I did do research, weighed the pros and cons and came to a decision that I believe in and will stand behind until the day I die.

Some members of my family tried to pressure me into an abortion. After I told them no, they stopped talking to me. My stepmother told me "I don't know how you could give your child away" when I told her I chose adoption. She tried to guilt me into keeping her.

I'm glad I am strong enough to live by my own convictions.

Other people do not control my actions. If I ever felt "coerced," I would have to take responsibility for not following my own convictions. You cannot go around blaming others for what is ultimately your decision. This obviously does not apply to force or threats on a life.

Knowledge is power. Never let anyone tell you what you should and shouldn't do. Only you know what you can live with. Those are my rules. It's true in every aspect of life, not just adoption/abortion/parenting.

Answer 13

Nothing could make me give my child up. I don't care who says what. It would be ur responsibilty if u give ur child up or keep it if ur an adult.

Answer 14

Life throws us curve balls, in "my life, my situation" no not in a million years. But in other peoples lives? who knows untill you walk in someone eleses shoes.

Answer 15

It's very easy for someone to sit back and say what they would do given that they are not in that particular situation. It's much harder to open our hearts and minds to those in pain and accept their truths even if they are hard to fathom.

Answer 16

When I was pregnant with my first child, I was on medicaid.  I was seeing a Dr. Galindo down in Del Rio.  I got frustrated with him because I had questions concerning my husband and my health issues (we were both Desert Storm veterans).  I changed to another doctor in his office at the last minute.  I found out later that Dr. Galindo was dealing in black market babies and drugs.  That was my near miss on this issue.  I would have shot him if he tried to take my daughter away from me.  The difference for me is that I had a family and a husband that supported me.  

Women who are coerced don't have that support system in place.

Answer 17

if I were able to keep, and care for my child, there would be nothing anyone could say to get me to give them up.  I have 2 children, and I know this for sure.  If I did give them up it would be MY fault, not that of the people who were trying to convince me.

On the other hand, if I could not care for a child,  I would hope that I could give the baby up, hoping they would get a better life than what I could provide.

Answer 18

If i had what i need to care 4 a child i wouldnt give it up it must feel hoorible knowing your parents gave u to people they dont know.

But the responsibility if i would give it up would be the parent's because no matter how much presure u get u made the choice of giving up the baby and ur baby that has ur blood should matter to u more than that person's opinion.

Answer 19

I wouldnt give my kids up for anything.. youd have to kill me first

Answer 20

h**l would have to freeze over for me to even consider giving my baby up for adoption. even then I think it would take pigs flying and the sun setting in the east for me to give my child away.

Answer 21

You know there are many people on this planet some who would never whatsoever give up their child and some that do.  One of my friends had her first child at 14 and she is now 27 and one of the greatest moms ever but her education suffered HIGHLY. (this day and age you need education).  There are people out there that are addicted to drugs and alcohol that have baby after baby that are addicted to the same things with birth defects.  there are people like me that it is hard/impossible to have childrem but would be the greatest parents ever.  everyone tries to make peoples minds up for them but deep inside the person they will know when to make the decision to give up the child for its own good or not.

Answer 22

I think this is a semi-ignorant question to ask.  Those of us with children can hardly imagine what the pain of losing them would be.  However, could there be a reason for us to give them up?  

Part of being a good parent is doing what is RIGHT for your child.  If you were stuck in a room with 1000 other families, and a gunman came in and said "You have two choices, send your child out of the room and never see them again, or keep them.  By the way, once everyone has cleared out, we're shooting every tenth child" what would you do?  

I know that's a non-realistic oversimplification, but in some ways it's true.  Parents living in 3rd world countries or even in the US in extreme poverty have to wonder about whether or not the children will even SURVIVE if they try to raise them.  If you live in a place overrun by AIDS, or where 10-year-olds are dying from gang violence...  sometimes it can make you think about things differently.  

I never had to give up a child that was born to me, but I did have to give up a child I wanted to adopt.  My son has a paternal half-sister that I was trying to adopt when his father left us all (even the little girl).  I did "give her up" - not to adoption, but back to her grandparents to raise.  It was a torturous thing to do, and I was blessed that they moved closer and my son and I are still allowed to go visit with her.  It was pain like nothing I can describe, a heart wound I thought would never heal.  I don't suppose it ever really has, but, like everything else, time goes on and people adjust.  

So, why would I put myself and my children through this split?  The answer is simple, to keep the child would mean she wouldn't have had decent access to therapies and medical treatments she needed.  In fact, since I hadn't been able to adopt her yet, I might have had to do something drastic like move to Mexico to keep her, and that would have endangered both children.  When you know that to keep your child with you is actually putting their life on the line...  things change!  I imagine that's what many birth mothers go through.  

It's often not a matter of whether or not their kids will have a swimming pool, or brand name clothes.  Often, these mothers face the choice of raising children in UNSAFE environments because that's all they can afford, or giving them to adoptive families.  When faced with this choice, only the parent has the right to make that choice.

Answer 23

I would never, ever, ever give away my child. Never. Period. I don't care who told me to. Not in a million years.

Answer 24

I have considered adoption.  I already love my baby, but I can't help but think of the better life he/she might have with someone else.

I don't have a degree, I work retail (tons of hours, all hours of the day and night, I work weekends and almost all holidays).  I make enough to raise a child, but is it worth it to have to work all the time.  I sometimes wonder if my child would be better off with someone who could afford to stay home with them all the time.

I have been told I am a terrible mother for thinking those things, but I honestly can't help it.  This is my first and I don't know if I will make a good mother, what if I s***w it up?

Answer 25

Not that I'm a parent, but I honestly think that if I couldnt give my child the life it deserved because I was too young or too poor etc. I would consider giving up my child, as long as I knew it was going to a good home.

I dont think you should let people try to persuade you either way, but try seeing the situation from other points of view. It must be a terribly hard decision because you would naturally love your child very much.

Answer 26

I have 2 childern and I could never do it even if i were kicked out on the streets with no money i couldn't do it my mom gave me up when I was two

Answer 27

When you relinquish your child it is solely YOUR responsibility.  You can blame no one.  You make your own choices.  There's a lot involved and no one can force you to do it.

I made my choice, against the pressure to keep my son.   My sister harassed me from the day I found out I was pregnant until the night before the adoption was finalized.  

Ultimately, the decision was mine, and mine alone.

Answer 28

brainwashing can make over 900 people drink poison and not only kill themselves, but their own children.

edit:

the majority of women who give their children up for adoption are white, upper middle class and educated. these babies are in high demand. that's what the statistics show. it's considered "shameful" in the black community for a child / teenager / woman to give her child up for adoption. that is a foreign concept to their culture. they take care of their own.

with that perspective in mind, then it may help one to understand that based on your education and race, why some pregnant women would have different experiences.

believe me, if you were an intelligent, attractive, unmarried, pregnant woman..... people came out of the woodwork to ask for your baby. back when i went through my experience........... i don't know what it is like today.

Answer 29

never. ever. no matter what happened would i give up my child. i would die for them. theyre my angels.

Answer 30

"Give up" your child....for those who have been coerced into adoption or have been taken advantage of by someone during the adoption process, "give up" is a good term to use.  However, I believe they would choose a word such as "forced" or "taken away" rather than "give up".

For birthmothers who have "chosen" to place their child for adoption, I do not see that as "giving up" a child.  They have made a responsible choice - no matter what their reason - to create an adoption plan for their child.  A mother who truly chooses to place a child for adoption (and is not coerced or forced to do it), should not be admonished for doing so.

For me personally, my child is my life.  I would do anything that I needed to do to insure his safety & well-being.  While I would just not "give him away" as though he were a possession, I also know that if I felt he was safer in a better setting, I would do what I had to do for him because of the love I have for him.

I hope that makes sense.

Answer 31

Excellent question Weeme!

I got pregnant at 16 and delivered at 17 ALONE!

My daughter's father was no where to be found and has never met her and even at 16 you would have had to kill me before getting me to hand over my child. I honestly do not understand being forced into giving your child up. Just like it was my choice to keep and raise my children if I had decided I could not that too would have been my choice and no one elses. I stand behind every decision I have ever made good or bad, they were my choices.

Phil I am sorry I disagree. I heard all of that and some being 16 and pregnant.