What would you change?

Question

The pressure overcomes me

The suffocation is overwhelming

The surface I'm under is deadly

I've fallen in too deep

Under here, there's no air to breathe.

this is how i felt when I wrote this but it doesn't sound right. what would you rate it and what would you change.

Answer 1

i would rate it 8/10

its good

the only thing i would change is reorder it posibly this....

The surface im under is deadly

the suffocation is overwhelming

the pressure overcomes me

underh here theres on air to breathe.....

ive fallen in to deep

and possibly add more emotion and make it longer

comment my poem please:]

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 2

FIRST CHANGE:

You have two "over ...." words in the first and second lines.

How about changing the first line then to:

"The pressure is heavily upon me."

SECOND CHANGE:

Although many more accomplished and experienced poets will say poems don't have to rhyme -- I prefer them to.  When a poem does rhyme, it's like music to me. Your first and third lines rhyme which would  make it nice (and consistent) for the second and fourth lines to rhyme.  That is easy to fix by just rearranging the words in line four to:

"I'm in too deep and falling"

Then the last line (5th) does not have to rhyme with any of lines one to four.

THIRD CHANGE:

Again, you use a word twice:  "under" in lines three and five.

Let's change line three to "The surface I'm beneath is deadly."

YOUR  REWRITTEN  POEM:

"The pressure is heavily upon me.

The suffocation is overwhelming.

The surface I'm beneath is deadly.

I'm in too deep and falling.

Under here, there's no air to breathe."

**************************************...

Hope you don't mind my suggestions.  Your theme is very intense and essentially well-written.  Good luck !

Answer 3

I wouldnt change anything.  what you wrote is what you felt. dont change it. nice structure and flow.

please read my poem

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 4

That is bloody brilliant. I love it. You really have a rare talent, wow!

Answer 5

OK, I'll try to be brief cause I have to go soon. You don't have to listen to me cause I'm a kid. OK. Now.

I would rate it a three, a work in progress.

My revision:

The pressure overcomes me,

The suffocation overwhelming.

The surface I've fallen into is lethal.

In my struggles I've dived too deep,

There is no more light when I look up.

Down here, the air has gone,

even thought has left me

as I sink deeper.

Answer 6

I think I would add commas.

Answer 7

Try leaving it just the way it is, hiding it, and reading it in three or four months. You'll find the answer yourself. Seriously.