What would you do? (First moms and adult adoptees) ?

Question

Since my last time here on Y!A, I've gone from PAP to AP. We brought home our son at 5 weeks. We weren't matched before he was born, and did not know about him until a week before placement. His first mom decided on adoption after he was born and has spent time with him. She also chose a semi-open adoption, to have communication through our agency and to use first names only, though we have told her that we would really like to have a fully open adoption, and that we are ready for more contact when she is ready.

In going through all of the paperwork from the hospital, I have found that someone made a "mistake" and did not black out the name of her father, who was the person she was discharged with. I am so happy about this, that I can give him a full name and address should she decide to not remain in contact. My question is: should I take it further, should I find out as much about them now as I can, in case they move, etc. I am frantically trying to preserve every piece of info for him that I can - pictures of his sister, we kept the name his first mom gave him. Do I take matters into my own hands and try to find out as much about them as I can? Or trust that one day she will want to open the relationship fully? I don't want to betray her trust, I want to act in a manner he would be proud of - but I also want as much info for him as I can possibly have.

Need guidance from first moms and adult adoptees here ...

Answer 1

Ignore Suzy. As a first mom I say find as much as you can. Gathering info isn't a violation of trust. As long as you aren't contacting people I doubt anyone would even find out. I think this should go both ways. Having someone's address isn't going to cause them a bit of harm. Knowing their dad's name isn't going to hurt anyone. Just tuck it all away in a file until your child asks for it.

Answer 2

Be VERY careful when contacting the father or learning more about he or his family. Was the father's paternal rights terminated? I HOPE so, if not he has legal recourse to get his biological son back. If his rights were terminated, there have still be instances in law that the legal system has given a child back to the biological families YEARS LATER because they changed there mind, as this happened with a friend of mine at age 4.

I would be careful about learning all this information about the father etc. Some times things are left resting. If you do decide to do this and go this route just check about the legal recourse should the father decide he wants the child again.

I would just hate for you to begin a bond with your little boy and have some thing stupid happen as happened with my friend.

I am also adopted and am trying to adopt a child myself right now (going through approval process currently) so I know a lot about what Im mentioning in here.

Since the adoption is somewhat open, the mother should be able to provide you with information and provide medical data for you. I cant understand why you would want more than that. I find it a little odd, and again, Im adopted.

Good luck though!

Answer 3

It's not about betraying her trust, although I would suggest talking to her about it.

I don't know you, I don't know what your son will think, nor do I know his natural father.

So it's rather difficult to advise you here in an actual productive manner.

But I think it's important that you save everything you have - just in case he asks one day.

Answer 4

Just get whatever information you can.  You don't have to do that through her or the agency.  You can do this on your own, keeping it available for your son.  That way, whether the mother becomes more involved later or not, at least your son will have access.  (Of course, if records reopen in his state, he'll have access to full names anyway.)  

I've known adopted people who went through years of information gathering, only to find out at the end of it all that their adoptive parents had easy access to information and did nothing.  They were less than thrilled.  

By having the information available, you give your son that which everyone is entitled to have -- the truth of his own origins.  This is what it's about.  His first mother may have trust issues or whatever else that are making her feel uncomfortable at this point.  But, that should never stand in the way of your son ultimately having his own truth.  

I would also ask the first mother again about opening things up more, and explain that it is in the best interest of your and her son.   She doesn't have to have contact, but she should understand that it would be best that she is more forthcoming with information for his sake.

Answer 5

Do all that you can under the radar.  When your child asks, inform him of the delicate nature of the acquisition of that information.

Your son going to appreciate it so much one day.

Answer 6

I would keep the info you have for your child, but not hunt for more. I would respect their wishes, and let them decide if they want to share more.

We know the name and address for my daughter's mom at the time of birth, but she doesn't want contact (although we met at the hospital). I am very curious, but haven't pushed it. I will share the info with my daughter when she is older and let her try to contact her natural mother. I have also told her that we are willing to have a more open relationship if she changes her mind.  

Answer 7

I would find out as much as you can and preserve it for your son. Names and addresses of extended family as well. You'd probably be surprised about how much you can find on a person with their name.

Good luck.  

Answer 8

Don't do anything that will draw legal attention to the fact that you "know more".  That will likely only cause headache in the future.  However, there are tons of resources on the internet these days.  It would do no harm to start keeping a file of publicly available information.  After all, YOU aren't the one who made the mistake, and you can't exactly forget what you saw.  

My brother's actually came from a fully closed adoption, but we know the name of their biological mother because the foster parents took a picture of one of my brothers at the hospital.  You can clearly read the bio-moms name on the card in the bassinet.  I've never used it for anything, but still..  it's not like these slip ups are exactly rare.  

Once or twice a year, you can re-run online searches and add anything you find to the folder.  In the new age of MySpace and Facebook and LiveJournal etc it's amazing what you can find out.  Just keep notes of all of this in case your son ever wants to look.  Try not to leave tracks though.  If she doesn't want you looking, you could scare her off if she finds out.  She'll be more careful to hide her tracks then and could even get a legal restraining order against you and your son.  

Good luck!

Answer 9

I definitely think you should unobtrusively collect as much information as possible.  

The hard part of this will come later on:  Do you share the information you have as your ason grows up...thereby risking a betrayal of the agreement you made with the bmom?  Do you sit on the information and hope for the "right moment" to show it to your ason...and risk making him feel betrayed and lied to?  

Answer 10

Yes it would be wise to do that if you really want the information, but please do your little one a favor. It is important that they always know they were adopted. My mom always told me I was born in her heart and not under it, which was great. But growing up I always wanted to find my bioligical parents, see what they looked like, etc. Now that I have started my own family it no longer matters.

If you do find the information, please tuck it away until your adorable bundle of joy is at least a HS grad. And don't get offended if he doesn't want to know. You are his parents now, remember that!

Answer 11

Yes, call them and get as much of the facts as possible. You never know what could happen (car accident or whatever) and it would make it easier for your a-child in the future.

Answer 12

I think you should keep all the information you have or find out and give it to your child when they are an adult.  Then they can do what they want with it.  

For the record:  I don't agree with open adoption but I agree with open records.  My position is that every adoptee should be able to know who his or her biological family is when they are an ADULT.  I am against having that knowledge in childhood.  I am against visiting the biological family because I believe it is disruptive to the child's development.

Answer 13

That would be grossly inappropriate. I'm shocked by the suggestion.

That is not your information to give him and the only moral course of action is to discard the information and forget that you ever had it.

Did you have ANY sort of counseling or classes before you adopted?

What agency did you use?????