What would you do? My husband wants contact with abusive father...

Question

This is tricky. It's not easy. Basically my sister in law was sexually abused by her father throughout her child hood. Two years ago she told us the awful truth. In the last 6 mts,she has be establishing a relationship with her father and allowing him to have a relationship with her very young kids. I struggle deeply with the idea of allowing my children near a man capable of this. I was abused by 3 different people as a child. I am very protective and my kids safety comes above any mans feelings or rights. However my husband is making noises about making peace and contacting his Dad. I am guessing because his Sister and Mum are in touch with him. I would not stand in my husbands way as it is his father but I am against this man being part of my children's life. He is a manipulative person, I feel he has control over his daughter and wife. It makes me feel very ill. I now fear my husband will be pressured into a relationship with this dangerous man as his sister and mother will talk him round. I get the impression that my husband and myself are deemed unreasonable. I think this is unfair as we are seeking only to protect our children. Please help. I feel alone and very worried. I don't think I could cope if my husband opted for seeing this man again. I would feel betrayed in some respects as i was abused and he knows how it destroys a child inside. I am still in therapy! I can't quite believe my husband is even considering it as last time they spoke this awful person was wanting to fight with him, he was aggressive and showed no remorse. He didn't see what the problem was...! He is someone who cannot see what damage he has caused to his family and unfortunately his daughter and wife want to move on now...but how can we if accept this person. He is dangerous. My husbands family tell themselves he wont ever abuse again. It is impossible as no one will listen. Some days I am a complete outsider and I feel like they are trying to get my husband to lie down and be reasonable behind my back. I just want to protect my children. I don't want this man near them - I don't want to take a risk. My children mean the world to me.

Answer 1

You're right about an abuser being a supreme manipulator.  While there's no guarantee he'll do it again, there's always the chance. My father abused me physically.  I was constantly beaten by him for no reason. I had 2 brothers and 1 sister who he rarely if ever hit. When I became a teenager, I realized that maybe the reason I was abused was because I was the unwanted/unplanned child. I think I might have suffered from the luck of the birth order. My parents divorced when I was 10 and i ceased my relationship with my father at that point.  His death 8 years later came as a bit of a relief.  I'm totally grateful that I wasn't in a position to keep my children from him.  I definitely feel for you in your situation.  The only thing I can offer you is make sure he is supervised when he's around your children.  Kids need to know their grandparents. It's good for both the grandparents and the children.

If your father in law has really changed, contact with his grandchildren will offer him a sense of forgiveness. He needs it as much as you do.

Answer 2

you are the mother if it's that big of a deal get a restraining order, and talk to your husband let him deal with his dad but don't bring your kids into it till your positive it's safe!  

Answer 3

Maybe you need a therapist to show your husband all the scientific data that indicates that child molestors don't change.  Nor do they have only one victim.  Could somebody else in the family have been abused?

Also, maybe your husband needs to find out why his family is allowing this man back into their lives.  Something is missing inside, and they are trying to fill it.

Answer 4

Stand your ground ! I would not let this man near my children !

You have said it all in your letter . He shows no remorse , he's aggressive , he is dangerous , and above all else , he molested his own daughter . Any father or man for that matter that can do that to a child should not , and I repeat , NOT allowed near any child .

I would lay it all out on the table to your husband . Simply tell him that under no circumstances will you allow your children to be any where near this man , and as your childrens  father he should not even be considering going near this man after all that he done to his sister .

If his sister & mom want to be a fool and have contact with this beast again , then so be it . But you would think that after what his sisters father done to her she would want to protect her children from him and not allow her kids to go near him . She has got to be more than a few fries short of a happy meal !

If you cave in to their pressure and allow your children to go near him and some thing , God forbid happens , you will never forgive yourself or your husband .

It is always better safe than sorry .

And the kids from my understanding have never met this beast , so they can't miss some thing they never had . ( a decent , respectful , loving , caring , sane grandpa )

And just from your letter you sound like you are a very loving caring mother willing to do any thing to protect her children and I have all of the faith in the world that you will do the right thing and not allow you children near this man .

Best of luck to you .