What would you do about a nine year old who has fits?

Question

i have a nine year old who i really feel is add or adhd but the doctor want put him on medicine. when he doesn't get his way he will repeat himself over and over and over again. usually i just ignore him. but it keeps getting worse. i do not like spanking my kids but i am to the point that taking things away, not letting them go to grannys house or making them stay in their room is working anymore. help please!

Answer 1

In my experience, spanking is still the best form of punishment.  If you do decided to spank make sure you tell him that he is going to get a spanking and needs to go sit on his/your bed and wait for you.  Obviously you need to make sure you are calm first.  I always make a point of following some "ritual," because it makes the child aware that you are not acting in anger (and thus he will not flinch when you try to hug him later).  Either over your knee or bent over is fine.  Those little paddle ball paddles (like the ones that come with the rubber ball on the string) work well.  It will not cause damage but it does sting.  I prefer at least 5 "pops" because any less and it won't affect him as much.

Answer 2

My seven year old is borderline ADHD and we have chosen not to medicate.  He does through fits, both at school and home.  We have been taking him to a behavior interventionist.  His fits are getting fewer and farther between.   I know that it isn't a quick fix.  The BI that we are seeing has been able to shed some light on why he is having the fits.  He gets frustrated easily and has a lot of anxiety.  There are many things that a specialist may suggest.  Not all of them will work.  Seeing her has helped.  

Does he self injure when he is mad? If he does, you need to get him help sooner rather than later.  It only gets more extreme.

  There are many reasons for a grade schooler to be acting out, they are not all your fault.  Don't feel like it is all on you.  Find some support while you figure it out.  Good luck.  I know your pain.

Answer 3

There is too vague of a distinction between ADD/ADHD and a child who is perfectly normal. So vague, that many healthy children are being medicated unnecessarily. The criteria for ADD/ADHD is too broad that any normal child or person can fit into it. Teachers are increasingly using this just to get rowdy kids out of their hair, and doctors can be wrong also (whether it's out of human error, misjudgment, or HMO and interest issues-but I won't get into that here). As said, you shouldn't self-diagnose.

Spanking is only a short-term solution. The repercussions later in life will be far greater. But I can say that unnecessarily medicating your child for Big Pharma's interest is far worse than a spanking. On your behalf.

It sounds very much like he's having tantrums and is spoiled. It's not any disorder or illness. Look at it this way. How is having fits related to attention problems? Or even hyperactivity? Everyone has fits now and then. Normally, a nine year old is past the phase of having tantrums but everyone develops at a different rate or you have a boy who is very stubborn and headstrong in having it his way. There are even teenagers and adults who throw tantrums like a little child, let alone a nine year old. Repeating himself over and over is typical of a child who doesn't relent until s/he get his/her way. I was like that myself, stubborn, high-tempered..

When you said he acts up when he doesn't get his way, you should look into that. Why is he acting that way? And what does grandma have to do with it if anything? Does he like going to grandma's house? And why does he like going to grandma's house? Is she spoiling him (it's not uncommon, actually) by letting him do and have anything he wants?

Making him stay in his room doesn't really work these days (with Xbox, Ipods, phones, and computer, etc) unless you take everything he likes away.

Avoid causing a scene and ignoring a child's temper tantrum (that is, pretend you don't hear him until he wears himself out each and every time-pretend he's invisible) is usually the best and recommended way. Once a child realizes that it doesn't work, eventually he'll give up.

But since that doesn't seem to be working (or maybe you should keep it up) for you, talk to him. But don't yell, or demean, insult, or make fun. Children are well capable of expressing their thoughts and reasoning than some adults would believe. When he doesn't have his way, calm him down.  Ask him why he thinks he should and patiently explain with reason (not "because I said so") why he can't do or have something and/or offer compromises and other alternative solutions of something you're both happy with. You can ask for his input. But you must be reasonable yourself, in relating with him and your rules must also be reasonable. Tell him that it's your job to see to his well being, and don't back down from that. A child can quickly see through that weakness and use it to his/her advantage. You can also explain a universal truth that everyone has wants, but not everyone gets to have it or do whatever they want.

If it's something petty like he wants something and throw fits when he can't have it, that's a good sign of a stubborn or spoiled child. An alternative solution would be to teach things like the value of money, and an allowance for example.

Answer 4

sounds like temper tantrums. do you spoil him?  discipline usually works. you dont have to spank him, but lay down some ground rules. have him stay home from going to a friends house after school, or over the weekend.

Answer 5

A nine year old should not be having fits....It makes me think that discipline may not have been carried out consistently in earlier years.  Unfortunately, it will make new rules/boundaries more difficult to enforce since he is much older, has perhaps a stronger will, and knows you well enough to know what "tricks" work on you.  Have a "meeting" with your son, and apologize that you have been wish-washy in the past in responding to his tantrums...let him know you are not perfect.... that you love him but that God ( in his great humor ) thought you would be a pretty good mom for him.  Then CLEARLY define acceptable behavior and consequences for his actions.  Then FOLLOW THROUGH CONSISTENTLY!!  He will feel much more loved and at peace with well-defined boundaries.  Good luck....these parenting days are hard....we must have strong, tough exteriors! We're all learning too!  

P.S.  I'm sure I don't have enough authority to say this, and I know I don't know your specific son, but as a general rule, I think add/adhd diagnosis is over-rated.

Answer 6

don't diagnose your kid...leave that to the expert. sounds like he needs a good spanking. kids are not disciplined today, they are coddled and now every kid who needs a whooping is now labled...adhd, ocd...the list is endless. what did parents do a hundred years ago when there were no labels? don't get your kid on medication just to make your life easier. kids today are over medicated.

Answer 7

He/she is just testing you.  OH THE TESTS!!!  I'm 32 and still test my parents because they always give in.  CRY WOLF!!!

Now, two people I could never get away with testing...

My grandpa. (God bless his soul)

The maid.

Answer 8

Well first off... You shouldn't self diagnose.

You should probably enroll him into a counseling center that can test him for add/adhd and/or other conditions they may feel he might have.

As far as temper tantrums.... my 9 year old who is add doesn't like standing in corners. Sounds like a silly punishment. But it gets to her the most. That and writing things over and over again.... I will not...

Answer 9

i understand  that u dont like spankings but that is what i would do or take something away from them that means a lot to him

Answer 10

I take it you mean the doctor WON'T put him on meds...welll good for that doctor. He obvoiously does not believe it is ADD. Go back to good old Time Out if you do not want to smack. 9 minutes in a hall or somewhere boring. Don't blame all bad behaviour on ADD. Also have a think about going to a behavioural psychologist. They can help too

Answer 11

They are behaving like normal kids.  Of course the things you are taking away have no effect because the kids didn't have to EARN them to begin with.  Having "things" going to "grannies" are privliges and should be earned rather than just handed to them.  Also accentuating their positive behavior rather than giving attention to the negative works better as well.  The reason they are doing what they do is for ATTENTION, they don't care whether it is good or bad...attention to a child is attention period.  Keep giving them attention for misbehaving and you feed into their "fits"  you might also keep in mind that the 9 year old could be entering puberty.

Answer 12

Nine years old and having fits?? Maybe the child was being spoiled and got its ways when he/she as younger. Should have laid down the rules/line at a very young age. Spanking, I do not believe in. Taking something away for a while might help...but it might be too late, call "Jo" SuperNanny and be on their show.

Answer 13

At the age of 9 I would have him checked out regarding add or adhd. I teach fifth graders and on occasion I have run across the problem you are having. However, it sounds from your post it is more of a discipline and attention seeking problem.

When you make the choice of what kind of discipline you wish to use ( grounding, removing favourite toy or game, not allowed to go on a special event, spanking etc. ) you have to be very consistent. This has to be given careful thought. There is a excellent source available on the net called Dr. Scott. He is a child councillor  and the advise he gives is usually good and easy to follow. If interested, the public question and answers is [e-mail]

Good luck

Connie Mom of 4 and 5th. grade teacher.