What would you do about this problem with your MIL??

Question

Ok heres the deal my husbands oldest brother live with my MIL. His wife and 2 kids both the same age as ours 5 and 5 months. MY MIL babysits their kids daily. If we ask her to watch ours she says that shes busy or watching the other kids, if its the weekend she says ''I have kids all the time the weekends are for me''. When we ask her its not like we plan on leaving them for hrs it's just so we can run to the mall or maybe go pay some bills. Soo we just stopped asking her we figured if she wanted to see them then she will call if shes not busy or in the neigborhood stop by and pick them up to visit for a lil bit. Since then shes has now started saying that we are keeping them from her and its because ''I'm jealous of the other kids. Nothing about my husband. Even though its hurts his feelings that his mom never calls and says ''hows the kids or can i see them today''. Hes tried to talk to her but its gets nowhere just yelling. What should we do. Start asking her to watch them or just leave her alone. Its been 4 weeks since shes seen them or called to ask about them.

Answer 1

i would just leave her alone.  maybe she feels closer to the other kids because they live with her. maybe she feels like the older brother needs the help.  some people like to feel needy.  

Answer 2

I'm on both of your sides if that makes any sense. I understand both your points and your MIL point. she is right she is with your brother in law's kids all day so the weekends is her only time to herself. and I understand your point she should see all of her grand children. if you want her to see the kids don't call her and ask her to babysitt just call her up and say the kids miss you can you come by some time this weekend to see them that way everyone is spending time together.

Answer 3

Look, I know you are jealous but here is the reality. You need to stop playing poor me and just take the kids over to see her. She is stuck with her adult son and wife and their children 24/7. She is probably feeling like (Why me?) Give her a break, being a grand parent doesn't make them a full time daycare . When her Son can stand on his two feet, like he should, then he will move. He is also the one you should feel animosity towards, not your husbands mother. She has already raised a family. You and your husband are not being mature about this.  

Answer 4

Hmmm well I have the MIL from h**l ( and that's a huge understatement), and quiet frankly I would tell her where to go since you were once asking her before etc and she would say no all the time, so eventually you gave up (like anyone would given enough times of being rejected), now that you've stopped she's going to play this game of blame. I don't think so, It's you hubby's mother so it's his place to tell her what she is doing is hurtful and if it ends in a screaming match, leave her alone... You're all better off without someone like that in your lives to make you feel like you aren't important.

**EDIT** since it's been 4 weeks already just leave it, if she really cared at all she would of called by now at least.  

Answer 5

I know what you mean. My MIL has a 6 year old daughter hersel and raises (& adopted) her 4 year old Granddaughter. From 2005-2007 my MIL has watched my son while my husband & I work. Sonce then my SIL had her first child and I've had my second child. Since my MIL was going to be watching her newest granddaughter also---I told my husband it was too much for her to handle. A 6 year old, 4 year old, 3 year old & 2 babies is too much for anyone to handle. My mother recently retired and suggested that she would watch our boys. Ever since then, whenever we ask my MIL to watch the kids so we can go out (which isn't often)--she gives us a huge hassle. But the whole time I was on maternity leave she complained to my husband about not seeing our boys. Its frustrating. She evern called an complained to me once about my husband leaving her with all the kids from 10:00am -3:00pm while he went to Physical Therapy and went looking for a new job (I was at work). I don't get it.

I'm just not asking her to babysit anymore---simple as that.

EDIT: Oh ya----Since we've lived at our new place (over 2 years) she's been to our house TWICE! One time for my oldest's son's birthday party last December and one time in February to see my youngest.

EDIT: I forgot to mention that we live not even 10 minutes down the road....

Answer 6

Just because she doesn't want to babysit for you doesn't mean she doesn't want to see the kids. You are talking about two different issues (Her not wanting to babysit, and her not seeing her grandkids. She shouldn't be obligated to babysit just to see her grandkids). It kind of sounds like you are trying to punish her by never visiting. Why don't you take the kids over there for a visit (I'm sure she would like to see her son as well), then invite her to come visit you on a different day (schedule it). I'm sure she gets sick and tired of babysitting all the time (especially if she isn't getting paid, and her sons consider babysitting as "visiting time with grandma"), so give her a break. I think things will go a lot smoother for everyone if you and your husband hired a regular babysitter and forget about MIL watching the kids. Find other opportunities for visits and get togethers so that spending time with the grandkids isn't such a chore for her.

Answer 7

First of all let me say that it is your mother in laws freedom of choice whether she babysits or not.  This is her perogitive. However, you say that now she complains that she doesn't get to see them and that it's your fault.  Since she has brought you into the equasion it's ok for you to go discuss this with her.  You need to reassure her that she is welcome to see the children anytime she wants to.  I would not bring up the babysitting issue as again that's her choice.  I would however call her and tell her the kids miss her and would she like to come see them or maybe have an outing with them.  Remember like you said she has the other grandchilren (as a job) all week long.  Give her the opportunity to choose to visit with your children.  It will be more pleasant for her and the children.

Answer 8

She's playing games which is immature of her.  If your husband has tried talking to her, then the ball is in her hand or whatever that saying is.  I would leave her alone.  Pretty soon she'll be calling to ask if the kids can come over, etc.  If she calls and complains, just say "well every time we ask you to watch the kids or something you never want to, so we stopped asking."  Maybe invite her over for a BBQ or something occassionally.  If she always declines this, then it's her loss.

Answer 9

Maybe you should take the approach of visiting her with the children instead of asking her to watch them.  She's the grandmother..not a babysitter.  It could be that she resents being used?

Answer 10

i would leave out the babysitting issue with her, but tell her she is welcome to come and see the kids at anytime. you are not trying to keep them from her but you realize she is busy with the other kids so she can come to your house to visit so she can spend some quailty time with your kids without the others being around and so she doesn't feel split between the two groups.