What would you do about your boyfriends inconsistant parenting skills?

Question

My boyfriend will tell his two girls to do something or there will be a new rule put forward then the next weekend, its like it never happened? What is the deal? It drives me crazy! I dont know how to approach this with out it sounding like i am critizing his parenting. ( i dont have any of my own ) That and I plainly dont understand why he does it. I know that this could potentionally lead into other issues !!??

Answer 1

Stay out of it, it isn't your place to say how the children are disciplined.  The girls will only come to hate you.

Answer 2

Be honest with him. Children NEED consistancy in their lives so he's doing them a lot of harm if he's not being that way. Or, when the girls do something just bring up the fact that he mentioned a "new rule". Maybe he's just forgetting what he said and needs a reminder.

Answer 3

As a parent I understand why its easier to give in. But its only gonna get worse if he dosent fix the problem. Not to mention, hes not setting a good example for them in life. He's go to teach them that there are rules and consequences in life, and if he doesn't start that at home, they'll get a rude awakening later! I think since you care about the family, you could mention it. But just be careful. People get a little defensive when it comes to their kids.

Answer 4

Run now while you can, I married a man who was the same way, and although I love his kids it is very diffucult at times and puts a huge strain on our relationship.Children need consistency and stability!

Answer 5

If you try to control how your BF parents his kids he will only resent you. Let him parent them or yes it will lead to more issues.

Answer 6

ask him!  especially if you are thinking of sticking with him long enough to have kids of your own with him.  if you're not asking him in the context of him having an issue with his girls, when he would be too stressed to answer the question calmly, he should be able to answer any questions you have.

whatever you do, don't ask him in front of the kids - you are a parent-figure in their lives whether you like it or not, and you should present a united front with him.  in fact, this might be a good angle to approach it from: ask him how he wants you to back him up in enforcing his rules, and then use that as a way to open a discussion on consistency with the kids.

Answer 7

I had inconsistent parenting skills (by other people's standards).  Especially if the kids can give some intelligent contribution or debate or whatever to the situation. I do not belive in the "just cause I told you so" kinda thing..kids need to learn from home how to think and argue and persuade in a healthy manner...and you don't want them to follow things blindly in the future..(well, I'm rambling..I don't know how old the girls are you're talking about....) Anyhow, regardless of what people told me about my parenting..my kids came out fine..and he would probably resent it if you started harping on him for it. Or it would aggravate him I'm thinking...even if he said it didn't..

They're his kids number one..number two, things in life change and everything is not set in stone.  There's nothing wrong with changing your mind or making exceptions to a rule. The kids might actually learn forgiveness and be more accepting of other people.

Anyhow, if you can't tolerate it, then you should think about the relationship.  But if he's the parent, and particularly since you don't have kids, I would relax if I were you and just go withthe flow.

Good luck to you..

Answer 8

At this point, they are a family that has their own way of doing things, and they are the ones that will live with the consequences of their actions.  You are a girlfriend.  You are not married, so you have no official commitment to this family, and you may move on at some point.  Therefore, this is not the time to try to re-arrange their family to suit you.  When or if you officially become a part of their family by marrying your boyfriend, some adjustments will have to be made by everyone to integrate you into the family, but for now, you will probably be very frustrated, and they will be very frustrated with you, if you try to rearrange how their family works to suit the way you think things should be.

Answer 9

I saw this happening while I was still dating my husband.  You can say something but it might not change anything and if it doesn't and it's not something you can tolerate then I suggest you end the relationship.  This was advice that was given to me when I was still dating my husband but I shoved it aside under the assumption that "love conquers all".  I really should have listened to them as the problem has only gotten worse and out of control.

When there are step children in question, "love conquers all" is not enough.  Talking to him about it wasn't enough.  Because I wasn't a parent, my opinions in the manner did not matter.  I came to find out that he loves to threaten and not follow through on things which leads to out of control behavior that, whether you are involved or not, does spill out on you in the manner that they will not listen to you, they will not respect you, and you will find yourself angry at your husband for it because if he would discipline properly, the kids wouldn't be like that and you feel frustrated because you feel like since you are not their mother, you can't do anything about it.  You are right to assume that it can lead to other issues.  It most definately does.

Sorry so long.  Apparently, following through on discipline is not as common sense as we think it is in a lot of parents.  Trying to tell the parents that is very difficult if not almost impossible.

Add: That's good for you to say SHPN, however, when you sit back and say nothing and then watch your things stolen, being talked to disrespectfully, being screamed at, kicked, lied to etc. are you still supposed to keep your mouth shut and let him parent even though it's very obvious he is not doing a good job of it?  I have children now and my views on the matter still have not changed (even childless stepmothers can have common sense).  You cannot keep your mouth shut.  If you have to start stifling yourself, you leave.  It's not worth the stroke you would have at a young age for swallowing all that frustration and anger.  Say something to him, if it doesn't work, then leave.  Otherwise, live a life of bottled anger and frustration.