What would you do and who would you choose?

Question

Well, we hired an officiant who is completely secular to perform our marriage. We hired him so it wounldnt offend his Jehovah Witness family otherwise they wouldnt attend. Well, his mother a few weeks ago said her friend can do it for us for free. I warned my fiance it might not be a good idea, but to say money- which we dont have a lot of- we went ahead and canceled the other guy.

Well, we met with "Brother H" on Monday to go other the vows and he is making us say a bunch of c**p that is making us sound like JWs. My fiance is atheist- his family is in denial- and I am agnostic. We intended to recite vows that we ourselves have writen because its more romantic and personal, but he wont allow it.

So just last night the old officiant actually called me to confirm the cancellation--what timing!

I want to go with our old guy, but fiance wants to stay with this Brother H. to save money and not offend his family. I dont our marriage to start off on a lie we promised to eachother! The vow includes many promises I dont agree with!

Answer 1

Definitely go with "guy A."  As I was reading your post, it was just like a movie where you know the ending.  As I am reading and thinking...."oh yeah, the mom know someone...."  hmmmm...it doesn't surprise me who the mom chose.

Yes, I would cancel the second guy....pay more for the first guy and go with it!  You will be forever mad at yourself if you don't!

Answer 2

In this case, it seems that the questioner would be best served by a secular wedding officiant.

Especially since there are Jehovah's Witnesses among the groom's family, one might infer that "Brother H" is a Witness minister. Jehovah's Witnesses typically require a particular wedding vow derived from the Bible; that and other things in the question implies that the minister in question is a Witness, albeit one who seems insufficiently involved in shepherding the prospective marriage mates as a typical Witness officiant should.

Typically, an appointed elder (of the couple's choice) officiates at a Jehovah's Witness wedding, but some places also permit a ministerial servant ("deacon") to officiate. The questioner seems to be from one of the many states and municipalities which allow any baptized Witness to officiate, and the religion itself does not require an officiant to be specifically appointed as an elder or ministerial servants. However, only such appointed men are trained to fulfill all the responsibilities of an officiant.

It may be that "Brother H" will unfold a series of additional surprises to the couple as the nuptials approach, as "Brother H" himself eventually learns what his religious responsibilities include. Even then, anything he learns up to and including the moment before the ceremony might affect the conscience of a religiously devout officiant such that he cannot conscientiously officiate. That is one reason that a typical Witness minister will only agree to officiate at the wedding of fellow adherents.

As unreligious people, the questioner and her betrothed will likely have less surprises from a secular officiant.. ..

Answer 3

Well, since you're atheist and agnostic - why are you having a wedding ceremony to begin with? It'd be much simpler to go to your probate office,  get "married" by the probate judge and then have a non-denominational reception. Then, you wouldn't be offending anyone, and I'm somewhat positive that the judge won't mind your vows.  

Answer 4

sounds like going with brother H would upset more people. i would go with the old guy

Answer 5

I would find it hard that a Jehovah Witness would officiant the wedding sense neither of you are Jehovah Witnesses.  

Answer 6

Go back to original officiant.  Thank Brother H for his offer to preside and that the ceremony he is planning is not the ceremony the two of you wanted.

You'll feel like a hypocrite if Brother H does the wedding.  A non-denominational, no-religious ceremony should offend nobody but a JW ceremony could offend those of other faiths.

Edit: I SO disagree with 'Broken'.  A ceremony is not about faith.  It is a few comments about love or whatever and a recitation of vows.  Going to the courthose or a Justice of the Peace still IS a ceremony.

Answer 7

I do not know anything about the JW faith so I don't know if 'brother h' is unwilling or unable to perform a different ceremony than what he's offering.

As a non-denominational wedding minister I always give my couples at least 5 or 6 sets of vows to choose from - if nothing else it's a good place to start to find what they want.  My personal opinion is that if the minister can not or will not do a ceremony with the vows you want, I would say go with your first choice.  This ceremony is your public declaration of  your intent to be together forever.  The vows should reflect your personalities and your promises to each other.  To me a wedding is not a place for an unwanted sermon (yes, I realize many faiths include sermons or do weddings as part of a church service, and that is FINE - that's your faith and how your church works - I'm talking about when couples do not want something in their ceremony being strong armed into enduring it),   or an attempt to convert the audience to the minister's faith

Hopefully you two can resolve this - you both need to be happy with the ceremony.

Congratulations and best wishes.  

Answer 8

This is YOUR wedding.  I will never understand why people's families try to get so involved in the most personal day of the couple's lives.  You are right to not want to start out your marriage with a bunch of vows you don't believe in.  In my opinion, that kind of makes the commitment a sham.  Neither my husband or I are religious, and when we got married the officiant did not mention God or anything religious.  So I feel like what we promised is real and I have no regrets about doing it that way.  

Answer 9

dang! i honestly think you should have the officiant you want and say the vows you want at any cost--even offending his family. it's your life, your marriage, your day. to me, saying what you want to say to your partner on your wedding day is the most important part!

p.s. is that your baby in your photo? he/she is GORGEOUS, what a beautiful baby!!

Answer 10

I think you should go with yours i suspect the mother thinks she con very u lol and it not the nicest religion in my option (sori if ur JW)

If money so tight compromise in some other area but if you can not agree on this i not get married,

Marriage is about two people not the inlaw

Answer 11

It's a matter of priorities.  Which is more important to you, saving the money or having a ceremony that you agree with?  If it were me, I would not accept a ceremony that I didn't agree with.  It just makes the whole ceremony meaningless if you don't agree with any of it.  Even if you don't believe in God, there is still a lot of importance and meaning in reciting your vows in front of your friends and family.  

Answer 12

Personally if I were you I would, in any way possible, tell my FH that you won't have this at your wedding and if he insists on it then there won't be a wedding. You shouldn't have to start a marriage on lies you don't agree with. Too bad if his family doesn't like it. It's your wedding and more importantly YOUR MARRIAGE. Be firm with your FH and say what you want and what you feel. Good luck :]

Answer 13

I would have non-religious vows. While you don't want to offend the family, this is your wedding. YOu want it to reflect your relationship, which does not seem to really include religion. Go back to the other minister, it may be enough to keep the peace and you won't look back at your wedding as a big farce for his family.