What would you do if husband thinks you should stop your search?

Question

He knew about before we married,but since we have our own children,he acts like we should drop it.

Answer 1

If he really loves you, he will support anything that you really want to do.  If he really loves you he should not ask you to do something you don't want to do.

Answer 2

Keep searching and just try to explain to him how important this is for you.  I'm assuming this is a child you relinquished prior to your marriage?  

Let him know that it doesn't have anything to do with how much you love him and the children you have together, but that this other person is a part of you as well.  

Has he explained why he feels you should let it go?  I mean, has he told you how it makes him feel NOW as compared to before you had children together?  Maybe if he did then you could respond directly to those feelings, and it would help him understand.

Answer 3

i feel for you...one of the major reasons i got divorced was for this reason...i was unsettled inside...and i could not be happy with what i had until i knew who i was..i think its normal for you..and perhaps normal for him as well..because he obviously isnt adopted and knows who he is and more than likely what he will look like in fifty years...you on the other hand want to know where the eyes and the nose come from...your kids deserve to know this as well...and i think you should tell him...not only for you...but for your children you are going to search..its your story and you need to know the beginning...good luck..

Answer 4

Hi Red-haired Gypsy,

If it were me, I would wonder why husband would feel threatened by my search.  I would wonder why he is not supporting me in my time of great need.  I would wonder why he would be encouraging me to turn my back & forget my other child.  Is that something HE could do if he lost contact with one of the children you now have together?  If not, then he should be respectful and supportive of what you are doing even if he does not understand.  

My guess is he has a misplaced belief that the children you have now somehow can replace your child from before.  Every mother knows that is not true.  Each child is loved.  Each child is special and unique.

If it were me, nothing would keep me from continuing to search.  I think you know there really is no other option but to carry on with what you are doing until your search is complete.  For him to ask you to do otherwise is an unfair request.  I wish you the best of luck!  

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 5

If it is important to you, then you keep searching.

Answer 6

Keep searching.

You don't specify--are you a searching first mother, and does this make him feel the children you have now should "replace" the relinquished child/ren in your heart?  If so, you'll have to find a way to explain to him that a mother loves all her children, that love is never "subtracted" from one to be given to another--and that human beings are not replacable.  

Or are you an adoptee?  If so, explain to him that you're searching for information that both you and your children not only want but need.

Good luck.

Answer 7

I found this a problem too.

I think that it was because some times it would become very consuming of my thought time - I perhaps didn't appear to be a 'present' as I had been previously.

I just tried to remain open and honest with my husband - explaining that it was something I really needed to do - something I'd dreamt about my whole life - it was closure I needed to be a better mum.

I do hope he will be supportive. I know also my husband was concerned for me - he saw me upset - wanted it all to be over - he was also worried that I was heading for more hurt.

Talking often seemed to help. He came to the realisation that he couldn't ever fully understand what I was going through - but he worked out how important it was for me - and knew that fighting against me - only hurt me more.

I do hope that he can be supportive of your search.

Answer 8

tell him to leave you alone

and stop being such a male and insensitive to what you want

Answer 9

Tell him you have every right to search just like he has rights to his own history. It's just a bit harder to find when you are adopted.

Answer 10

Don't stop, unless the time you spend searching is getting in the way of you giving proper attention to your marriage and kids. If that's the case, remember you have other people besides yourself to worry about now. If it doesn't get in the way of anything though, I don't see any problem with trying to discover something that is important to you.

Answer 11

Don't stop. You have to do this for you.

Answer 12

I was adopted and you know, it helped knowing about my birth family.  I saw why I have the eyes I do, who I look like, little things that people who were not adopted wouldn't understand.

You need the support!  You have every right to have answers and maybe why your children look the way they do. Could take after a grandparent.

Don't drop it with your husband, maybe he really doesn't understand your desire, or how you feel.  Men are weird that way!  

Maybe he needs a picture scenario to understand why you feel the way you do.

I am sorry your not being supported, your feelings are understandable!  I really hope it all works out and you get your answers!

Answer 13

You do what you need to do for yourself. If he loves you he'll try to understand.

Do you get really worked up and upset? He maybe just concerned about you.

Answer 14

i would actually tell him to get therapy to understnad why you won't.

Answer 15

if he loves you, he should support you in every way possible. tell him to be considerate.

Answer 16

I assume you mean searching for your family separated by adoption?

I would keep searching and try to communicate to them that not only is this for you, but for your children as well. What about their medical information? Medical excuse works often for the non adopted, even though it had NOTHING to do with why I searched, the non adopted seemed to empathize with that.

I find my partner often feels rejection and abandonment issues on my behalf FOR me. Which I don't really need. I just need someone to listen, and listen some more.

Answer 17

I would still search. He should honestly be supportive of you in your desire to do this. He may not understand the feeling and emotions you have gone through and why you want to search...

Answer 18

I would keep searching.  You have received some great advice above me.  Talking to your husband is good.

What i have found with my husband is that he is being affected by this in some way that's why he tells me to drop stuff. (i know not EVEN close to what your are going thru)  Ask him why he thinks you should stop searching?  Is it because he sees you in pain?  Or is he like my husband where this is consuming you and he misses you?  Either way knowing why he feels this way would give you a better advantage point to disagree and prove your side of things.

All the best and i hope you find your child soon!