What would you do if you wanted to adopt a child...?

Question

...but your partner/husband was against it? It could be for any reason. For example, maybe he doesn't feel he can love a child that's not biologically his or maybe he'll just say, "why can't we just give birth to our own," etc?

What do you do if you want to adopt a child & your partner/husband doesn't?

Answer 1

Raising a child is something you both have to be united and feel strongly about.  It would be terrible for the child to be adopted into a home where they are not wanted 100%. I think it's important to talk about it openly and honestly, and if your partner isn't on the same page, don't adopt, or if adopting is something you feel strongly about, maybe it's time to re-evaluate your relationship and if it's on a life path you want to be on.

Answer 2

There is nothing you can do really. Well a few things

You can attempt to change their mind but they may do it just not to have you bother them and not really be vested and that will be bad for the child.

Theses are things that need to be discused before marriage in my opinion. Like how many childern do you want if we can't have kids do you believe in adoption and many others. Love is not allways enough in a realtionship you need to be compatible in beliefs and goals.   you can't change grown people only they can change themselves. if you get with someone hoping to change them or hoping they will change thier mind you are fighting a loosing battel.  

You need to decide how important it is to you do you want to adopt more than you want that man if yes leave him and adopt. if no just move on.

Answer 3

First, I believe this issue should be dicussed before you are even married or seriously commited.

Secound, I would have to decide (depending on the situation) how important adoption was, or having children for that matter.

Third, I'd ask him if he ever loved another child (even brother or sister) and ask him if they weren't biologically related to him, would he love them any less.

I don't think anyone should be forced into having children, or adopting. My grandfather only had two biological children, he adopt two of his children (their father's gave up their rights, he was married to their mom) but he never said "this is my adopted son or my adopted daughter" It was always "my kids". I know my cousins aren't biologically related to me, but that doesn't make me love them any less. Any male can be a father/sperm donor, but it takes a real man to be a daddy.

Answer 4

The decision to become a parent and/or add to the family needs to be agreed upon by both parents.  And forcing parenthood on an unwilling partner is never acceptable.

If you feel strongly that you want to adopt a child, and your spouse does not agree -- you need to decide if the child or your spouse is more important to you -- and make the decision that is best for you. (No agency would allow an adoption by a married couple if both spouses don't agree.)

Answer 5

I'd give birth.  Or just be happily childless.  It would be REALLY unfair to bring a child into your home if one parent isn't fully supportive of that choice.

Answer 6

If it were my wife, and the basis behind me wanting another child wasn't to reduce the orphan population and give a pre-existing child a home of his own, I'd consider invetro fertilization on a surrogate mother.  That way, it's still a child made up of her egg and my sperm, with our genetic makeup, just implanted in another woman's womb.

If it were a matter of me wanting to give another person a warm bed to sleep in and a loving family, I'd perhaps consider looking for another life partner.  That's a big issue to disagree on, and one that could really break a marriage.

Answer 7

For me it would be simple since I have always had the desire to adopt if able. I would not marry a man who was not ok with adoption.

In a case like this a decision would have to be made because a child should not be adopted when one parent does not want the child, or just agreed simple to please their spouse.  The only chooses they would have would be not to adopt and stay with their spouse. Or to decide to divorce their spouse, adopt as single parent or choose a new partner who is ok with adoption.

Answer 8

As an adoptee who's mother reluctantly agreed to adoption because my father wanted to adopt me (along with my siblings), I can only say that growing up feeling 'unwanted' by a parent is very painful.  Adoptee's often feel unwanted/rejected by their first mother - even when told a loving story about their adoption (as I was).

Our society perpetuates the idea that adoptees were 'unwanted' children.  No matter how many times parents tell their kids they were wanted (by the adoptive parents), there is no way to completely remove the feelings of rejection.  

Add to that the feeling that one of your parents didn't want to adopt you.  And believe me, kids know without a parent ever saying a word. I knew. Sadly, my a.mom "unadopted" me 2 days after my father died (over 11 years ago).

I dearly loved my dad. I know he loved me. But pushing for my adoption wasn't fair to me or to my a.mom.  Parenthood should always be entered into willingly.  

In any marriage, major decisions should be agreed upon by both parties.  If this is a 'deal breaker' for you, then bow out gracefully. Don't punish your spouse for wanting a different life.

Hope this is helpful.  All the best to you!

Answer 9

This is a discussion I had with my husband on our first date.  In fact, i asked just about every man i dated this.  Not so much that i had intentions of adopting in the future but rather my cousins were adopted, so it was close to my heart.  I thought it revealed a lot about a man's character, if he was open to the idea of adoption.  Had my husband said "no", he would not be my husband.

For me, it was more you decide who you let close to you.  So in a way, you decide who you fall in love with.  Someone who could not find it in their hearts to love a child not biologically related to them, was not someone i was interested in knowing further.  Best of luck:)

Answer 10

I think he has a valid point, "why can't we just give birth to our own"?

Answer 11

I would not adopt if my partner was against it. Most places will not allow you to adopt if your partner does not wish to parent. You are then left with a very different choice as other posters have mentioned.

Good luck, I hope you end up happy in any case! :)