What would you do if your childs estranged father was very ill?

Question

My son's father has not been around him since he was 1 year old. (he is now 12) I had to have a protective order put on him since he was abusive and he never went back to the court to have his rights for visitation restored as the judge told him he could if he attended classes, paid support, etc.

I have just received wor dthat he is very ill. He is not expected to live much longer and I am torn about letting my son meet him and get to know him what little he can juts enough to lose him again. My son has experienced alot of loss already including 2 grandmothers his grandfather and one of our very dear friends who was like a grandfather to him all in his short little life.

My heart is very torn about what to do. Does anyone have any advice for this situation? I would appreciate your thoughts.

Answer 1

What worries me is that you said that he was abusive.  I'm a firm believer that no child should be exposed to that...

That being said, this is a tough one, because you are going to have to make a judgement call.  If you really believe that his father will die soon, then I think you should let your son meet him in a controlled environment.  This could be his one and only chance to meet his dad, and you will never get another opportunity after he passes.

Your son is 12 now.  Why don't you discuss it with him.  I think he is old enough to understand what happened and to help with this decision.

My thoughts are with you.  I know you will make the right choice!  :)

Answer 2

Have you thought about letting your son decide? He's 12 so he's old enough to make a decision and it will show him that you respect his opinion. Tell him the facts about how he was abusive but the man is still his father. Say that he doesn't have much time left but you are worried about your son getting too attached to him and then him passing on. Your son may have strong feelings one way or another. I mean he hasn't been in his life for 11 years but then it is still has father. If he doesn't have an opinion either way then maybe sit down together and make a pro/con list. They really work sometimes. But down all the facts you can think of then weigh them up. Some may be more important so you could count them as double. But my advice is talk it through with your son. It's his choice too. Good luck to you both.

Answer 3

i take that you **** around and have baby and the daddy left.  well, it is good that the your baby daddy won;t be around much longer.  why let him meet the man if he is going to die anyway

Answer 4

This is all about your son!  If he want to meet his Dad, then let him.  If you don't, your son will hold it against you the rest of your life.  This is his only chance to meet his Dad.  Don't bad mouth his Dad, just tell him about the sickness.

He is in puberty when everything is difficult already.  He needs this connection to know who he is.

Answer 5

Your son is old enough to have rational input into the decision.  So, tell him the situation, hold nothing back (if you have to say something about the guy, tell him that the two of you could not get along because of abuse and leave it at that), and let him decide.  You need to do this for your son.  It' his life.  Keep your judgment of his father out of the discussion.

Answer 6

Does your child know that his father is (so far) still around?

Has he ever expressed interest in getting to know him?

If the answer to both is yes, then you should have a quiet but serious talk with your son - and explain reality.

Your dad is ill, and might not last much longer ...

Believe me, they can handle it.

Let him make the choice - for if you don`t, then it could backfire later on.

Now, if your son does not know, and has not asked yet, then you might consider waiting, and telling him later about who his dad was, and what his good points were.