What would you say if your daughter/ son wanted to change?

Question

my daughter wants to change into being a goth. The black hair, thick deep eyeliner, all black clothes? she likes she likes the darkness and doesn't want to move from it. but i have her in therapy and tell her NO to dying her hair and thick eyeliner and all black. Am i doing the right thing should i let her be who she is and accept it? what should i do. She keeps pushing at it and keeps testing my limits, Any suggestions?

Answer 1

stand your ground and stop her if you dont she is going to think she can do what ever she wants and has power over you

Answer 2

im pretty sure its just a phase let her do it..because the more you tell her she can't the more she will feel she has to go behind ur back

Answer 3

You didn't say how old your daughter is.  That would make some difference in my answer.

Teens need to explore.  One of the easiest things to change is a "look". Trying a Goth look isn't permanent.  It's something she wants to explore.  It's all part of growing up.  When I was a teenager I was into the whole Greenwich Village art scene.  I had purple hair, a nose ring, wild makeup.  It passed after a while.

Making some compromises allows your daughter to explore herself and lets her know that you are willing to understand her.  

With all the horrible things that teens can get involved in, establishing their identity by exploring the goth subculture is not the end of the world.

Set some boundaries.  Maybe, when there is a family gathering with grandparents around, attending church, etc., she tone it down a bit.  

Completely banning her from exploring this avenue might have some other consequences that are far more undesirable.  Small rebellions are manageable.  Major World Wars are usually a losing proposition for all sides.

Good luck.

Answer 4

just let her be, its a phase she'll change into something else in no time. just have patience, its a virtue.

Answer 5

The f*ck?.....let her be who she wants to be all your doing with all this therapy or what ever is prolly making her want to get the h**l away from you and out of your rules as soon as she can. Let be who she wants so she can be happy.its not like she is selling drugs or anything. All you should care about is if she is happy or not.

Answer 6

The more you push the more she'll pull.  So you may have an agreement about how she can look in YOUR home...   There is a part of goth which is the displeasure in oneself, so I'm wondering what's going on with your girl.  Is she feeling uncomfortable with what it means to be a woman... an adult...?  I think that's a more important issue than what she looks like and this is the topic you should focus on with her.

Answer 7

kids are getting all MESSED up because parents are constantly being told to let their children express themselves.  NOPE, my son can, but there are limits and unless you want a cutter I suggest halting that as long as possible.  Pay attention to her friends too

Take her to church and she won't look at life so dark.

Good Luck

Answer 8

I know its hard to think of your daughter wearing all black and liking "darkness", but think of it this way....do you really want to be the one keeping your daughter from being who she is? Well, who she is for the time being..

Answer 9

Is your daughter her own person or do you want her to be a mini you.  When I was growing up I went through the goth stage and my mom let me.  I am my own person with my own thoughts and personality so she let me experiment and express myself in a way that I was comfortable.  Just because you may not like the look, it will not change who she is..and if you let her she will respect you more for letting her do her own thing and less likely she will rebel.  Also she will probably be more apt to come to you when she is in trouble because you have an open mind.  I know have a daughter, and well she is only six but I already told my husband when she gets into the experimental stage of life (as long as it is legal and safe) I will let her be herself and find out who she wants to be.

Answer 10

I think putting your child into therapy is absolutely one of the worst things you could do for her... If you leave a kid alone and let them embrace a fad they'll realize how stupid it is pretty quickly. However if you try to fight them about it they're going to rebel against you by taking whatever fad they're part of to the next extreme.

Answer 11

Does it matter that much? Personally I find the fashion pretty attractive. Most people that go into the fashion turn out fairly idiot though. Also, there is no "who she is" at her age. She'll change rapidly. On another note: being oppressive with children doesn't lead to anything good.

Answer 12

you need to ask her what getting her all that junk would change,

and is someone she's hanging around going to approve of her

all of a sudden

Answer 13

I think having her in therapy is a good thing for right now.  If she needs to express herself through clothes or hair dye I see no issue.  This is not permanent.  This is not ink or piercings.  Continue with the therapy and let her express herself in the meantime.  As long as she can keep her grades up and is not into drugs...let her do it.

Answer 14

let her do wut she wants if shes that old she can make her own decisions and plus goth isnt bad its just a different lifestyle and ask her y she wants to be goth if its just because she thinks its kool then no

Answer 15

Honestly, you really shouldn't. With her becoming a goth is there any good coming out of it? It's quite creepy. Have you ever asked her why she wants to be a goth? Maybe if you ask her about it, you can understand why she may feel that way, and try to find out more about the origin of goths. As, a parent, not everything your children want to become involved in means that you should back it 100%. Some things will have to end up being life lessons and others can make or break 'em.

Do some research about it, and keep telling her, "No."

Answer 16

let her be for a while maybe she will change most people do it might have been a fad or something

Answer 17

I think it's a phase.  Don't distance yourself by pushing her to see a doctor.  I would let it go and see what happens.  Give her conditions (like good grades) and some boundaries.  If she's under 14, I'd say no.  If older, let her take some small steps and let her know you love her.

I think she'll grow out of it if you don't fight her on it - otherwise she might just keep pushing and pushing you away at the same time.  Try it out.

My sister went through this, and stopped when she realized we all loved and accepted her anyway.  hehe.

Good for you for even considering compromise!

Answer 18

talk with her about it that you dont like it but you should support her in anything she wants to do. let her change. accept it, it will jst make you guys closer because it lets her know that you are there for her.

Answer 19

Just let her be herself

Let her do what she wants

(Still have limits though)

Its just a phase

Trust me I am 15 and my parents think I am "Emo"

They're okay with it, they let me be myself

They know I will grow out of it

Also...

Get her out of therapy and don't put her on any medication

Its really doesn't help...

I have been in therapy for awhile and it just makes things worse

You can listen to my advise or follow along on what you're doing

You're the parent...its not my kid

I just know how she feels

Good luck!

Message me at [e-mail] if you have any questions

Answer 20

no

you need to ask her whats wrong and why is she doing this b sensitive be nice in telling her this skip work or somthing take her out and have fun!!! go to the mall after and show her stores like pac sun or roxy be a girl like her and show her tht you love her

Answer 21

Just let her be who she wants to be?

She might find that she is much happier that way.

I am not into that stuff at all I wear dresses and like to look nice etc but my best friend is gothic. She is such a beautiful person and so awesome and i don't judge her one bit.

Also - I went through a heavy metal phase when I was 15 and a year or two later I grew out of it.

Just support your daughter - she is growing up and discovering herself!

Answer 22

Respect her boundaries and insist that she respect yours. In other words, let her do anything to her face that will not cause permanent damage. And if you can't stand to look at it, insist that she wear a bag over her head when in your presence. Be polite to her and demand the same from her. And keep smiling.

Answer 23

No No No. Dont Stop Her Expressing Her Self. Even If You See This As 'Rebeling' It'll Just Make It Worse. Everyone Goes Thru A Phase Of Discovering Who You Are + Where You Want To Be In Life. + I Guess It's Her Time..... Or This Could Be Her Just Trying To P*ss You Off. But Jus Leave Her To It + Act Like Your Not Bothered, Because You Being Bothered Is Just Sending The Message That The Way You Look Or Dress Matters, You Should Be Encouraging Your Children To Express Themselfs.

Answer 24

My suggestion would be to let her, expirement, she might get sick of it in a year, or find the person she really wants to be, it normal let her try new things, limits like that make teens rebel.

Answer 25

LET HER BE HERSELF!! if she doesn't then she'll just find some other way to rebel against you for not letting her dress how she wants, which could me lots of drugs or s*x.

Answer 26

let her be what she wants to be and accept that. she is only human. you shouldn't stop her from changing her physical apperance. what you can change is her behavior and what she is allowed to do in your house. because as long as she is living under your roof she will have to obey you. just do not stop her from wanting to be someone

Answer 27

just let her do it.....

kids want to be different all the time it's only natural.

if you don't she's only going to want to rebel even more.

so let her change and over time she'll realize she doesn't want to be a goth and get over it or she'll like it and be happy either way it's not going to be all that bad.

Answer 28

Well you cant try and control her, she´s gonna feel smothered, I would suggest to go to therapy with her and find out more about your daughter, usually its just a face she´ll grow out off but you cant just ignore it, her friends might not be a good influence and offer her drugs or get her in trouble (I´ve been there) that's why its very important that you´re closer to your daughter now.

Make her consider you a friend not the boss.

Answer 29

The goth thing is just a way for kids to rebel against their parents, like we did.  When I was in school it was the long hair, smoking, getting your ear pierced.  Now, kids like to cut themselves, paint their hair black and wear black makeup, and get pregnant.  It'll be something new when they have kids and we are all old and gray.

Answer 30

Give it a try...If you forbid her from doing these things she is going to rebel sooner or later.Chances are she'll grow out of it.Good luck!=)

Answer 31

you should compromise with her. telling her no and saying she can't do something will really push ppl. try letting her wear her clothes and eyeliner but say no to dieing her hair till shes a certain age. or do the dieing and clothes and no on the eyeliner. shes probably going into highschool or just got there and the group of friends shes found are the ones she wants to hang out with. you cant stop someone from trying to find out who they are. otherwise they might rebel