What would you say to someone who says that church makes them feel guilty?

Question

I would consider my husband a spiritual man, but he isn't a church goer. We have wonderful conversations about God and he is very knowledgeable. I attend regularly, but he doesn't come. I don't ask him anymore because I figure he knows where I'm going Sunday mornings and if he wanted to attend, he would. I don't want to force church on him if he isn't feeling it. Anyway, he told me last night that the reason he doesn't like to go is because he sits there feeling guilty about things he does (like drinking too much, smoking, and not spending time with the kids) and the things he doesn't do as a husband and father that he knows he should. The church I go to is not a church that doles out guilt. The reason I'm asking is because I feel he is on the edge of wanting to go, but coming up with reasons not to. I can sense that he sincerely wants to change, but is overwhelmed by the change and the challenge it requires. I've reassured him that noone is perfect and that we all have issues, but I would love to hear suggestions on how or what to say to him regarding his excuse. He is very aware that I'm not pushing him to go to church...I would love him to go, but I want it to be his choice if he does. He is on the verge of change, what should I do to be a supportive and loving wife? I just want him to be happy and feel proud of himself and his achievements rather than guilty over his shortcomings. Any advice?

Answer 1

I do not know what to suggest but I will pray for you both. God bless.

Answer 2

It would be good to pray that God would be able to teach him about grace. God forgives us and doesn't rail on us for our faults. It is satan who is keeping him focused on his sins instead of focused on God's love and grace. Jesus took all our punishment for sins and guilt and God wants us to be God conscious, not sin conscious. You have great power to pray for him with God that he would understand God's great love and forgiveness. As his wife God will listen to your loving concerns. You can look up the Word Grace on Biblegateway.com and it will help you read the Bible's verses on Grace. It's really important.

I'll pray for him and you both, God does have a plan about this.

Answer 3

If he feels guilty ask him if he should do something to relieve him of his guilt. we feel guilt because we are doing things we should not do. Our conscience is what God gives us to tell us when we are doing wrong.

If we do not correct are mistakes they will make us feel worse. Not going will not ease our mind. We need to face what we are doing wrong and correct it.

Answer 4

hello,

well mention to him that even regular church goers feel guilty at church as well.at least sometimes.thats the spirit moving in a person,drawing them closer to god.the lord chastens those he loves.i did drugs and drank for 26 years.very hardcore.as you can imagine,guilt was just one of the many things i was feeling when i finally came to christ.the bible teaches us to put off our former conduct,and be renewed in christ.[ephesians ch.4].as to supporting him,i dont know for sure.i just know i had an almost urgent desire to get my wife right with god too.eternity is along time to spend away from your love.i finally backed off and realized that the lord would call her when she was ready.i still offer to read and study scripture with her at home,and she enjoys that time.i try to be a good example,and a light, as we are instructed to.i explained my conversion to someone once like this.jesus knocked when i wasnt searching,but i did hear the call.it was instantaneous.no sickness from the drugs/alcohol [a miracle].an unexplainable joy consumed me.a complete turn around.ive been going to church ever since.i explained like this.if ya play in the dirt and filth,ya stay dirty.if ya play in clean surroundings,clean stays on you.i surround myself with christians and sober friends,and i have maintained my sobriety.my spiritual life has sky rocketed and i couldnt be happier.thats not to say life still aint hard,but i now have the helper[holy spirit] to guide my steps and my studies.remember to pray for god's will for him,and yourself,of course.ask him what direction to take as far as support goes.in the meantime,try to get him into a small study session,just you and him.i love ephesians6:10-18,on spiritual warfare.the devil always rages his battle for our soul,so we should be fully armed and prepared to defend ourselves.well,im rambling a bit,so i bettter stop.

may the lord bless your family!

Answer 5

I think you're doing the right thing by not forcing him.

Be sure to give him some positive reinforcement from time to time -- about when he DOES spend time with you or the kids, or when he makes wise choices about his health.  

Eventually he'll either go or not -- it is also possible that he doesn't go and is saying that as an excuse...

Answer 6

The bible says "it is Godly sorrow that leads to repentance."  Let the sorrow run it's course; he needs it in order to let go of the drinking, smoking, etc.  any time we are making a change with God in this way, the sorrow needs to be there; if we felt okay we would be less likely to make the change.  Just be supportive, invite him to church, and PRAY for him for God to make this stick.  This is so great.  Praise God!  Your husband needs to see that he needs the Lord in his heart and not drinking, etc.  The Lord can fill the void in his heart that the alcohol never will fill even if he drinks til his last day on earth.  Praise God!  Glory to God; I'm so happy for you both.  Just believe God about this.

This is so good.  If it takes a while longer, just be patient and speak in faith in your heart about what God is doing in your lives.  God Bless.

Answer 7

There's no need for him to be there. Don't force someone to go somewhere where they'll be uncomfortable. That's mean.

Answer 8

there is conviction of the sins in our life . If there was not we could do as we please and never feel guilt... it is a wake up call we need to allow God to change us and to forgive us . to obey his laws is a sign of love to him... he gives us grace and mercy when we ask and strengh to overcome sin .. sets us free from guilt  

Answer 9

Look.  This is not all about you.  Why can't you see that your husband does not want to be a part of religion and, he just does not wish to hurt you by telling you straight out.  Why do you continue with your desire to get him into a church when you have to know that he does not want that.  Maybe you ought to try to change a bit yourself and try to be more like your husband rather than trying to please a bunch of numbolts who think what they are doing is the cat's meow.  Leave the man alone, you are making him angry and he could turn on you.. He does not need you trying to manage his life and thoughts.

Answer 10

Dear Wendy,

The things you said in your explanation are beautiful, and exactly right to say to him:

Here are some ideas of how you could word it:

I get the feeling that you would like to go to church but you do not want to feel pressured to change.

I want you to know that I love you and I am very proud of you and your achievements.  Whatever you decide to do is fine with me, but I would love to have some company at church if you choose to go.

Another  idea would be to see if he would feel more comfortable going to some of the social functions your church offers.  When he feels more comfortable around the members of your church he may decide to go with you.  It is hard to step into a church where you know no one and feel really out of place.  

You could also invite another couple or the whole family, from your church to come over for games and dinner.  Then you could all get to know each other.  Be sure to pick a couple where the man has things in common with your husband.  If this is a success, then nurture the friendship and do more together with them.  This should help to break the ice so that it is not so hard to step into the church for the first time.

Answer 11

Well Wendy: You sound like you are doing all you can. He is finding excuses, but part of it is true. The Holy Spirit is convicting him. He is having to take a look at himself. People like to take the easy way and the temptations to live the fun easy life are hard to let go of. He wants to control his own life and doesn't want the church to make him feel guilty, so he says to you, but in reality, he is making himself feel guilty, the church can't do that. If he did not have issues, he would be ok with church.  The sad thing is that Guilt is used by satan. God does not want us to come to him by guilt. He wants us to come by our own free will. The fact that he feels bad does say that the Holy Spirit is moving in his life. THe Spirit of God is always hanging out to help us back to God.

But you see God will not interfere in our lives. We are free to go astray and he is always there to take us back. Read Corinthians where it says that if one member is a believer, they hold to energy for the other.

You can lead a horse to water Wendy but you can't make them drink.

What happens when you raise your spiritual vibrations, it effects those around us. Like friends and Loved ones. Sometimes they drop away from us because our energy does not match any more. There is an old saying , Those who pray together, stay together.

I hope he is convicted to seek the Lord with you some day.

Rev. TomCat

Answer 12

  There are times when I fell guilty about telling people the truth, but then I remember that God says no harm is ever done by telling the truth.  .I feel great joy in knowing that  God assures the salvation of all but I do feel sadness at times when I see people fearing death unnecessarily.  .I can only tell people where they can find God's truth, and hope they will read it.  .Read the Conversations with God books by Neale Donald Walsch(available at your library) You do not have to of course  but a miracle awaits you if you do..  God bless.

Answer 13

Tell your husband that the church is not the reason he feels this way, it's him. Does he know that he is disappointing God with those bad things he does regardless if he goes to church or not. The only thing is that by not going to church on top of it he's making it worst. Tell him that by going to church he can show God that he's trying and that he's not just gonna give up. Tell him that at least he can do other things in the meantime like study the bible daily, pray for the will power to do right by his family, etc. He only has so much time to get it right and since we don't know when our time is up I'd suggest he hurries up and take control of his life.

What you can do as a wife is not beat around the bush with him. So what if he thinks you're pushing him to go, you should be. You care about his salvation or him feeling guilty over his shortcomings? Would you rather he died tomorrow (lord forbid) and go to a bad place because you didn't want to push him? You need to pray and ask God how you can help your husband realize he needs to go to church. Stop making it easy for your husband to not live like a christian.

Answer 14

Wendy, I could tell in your follow up to the question of the sincerity, love and concern for your husband...

Tell your husband that the "guilty" feeling is actually a good thing... it is the conviction of the Holy Spirit speaking to his heart.... which is actually the still and soft voice of God saying "it's time to make some changes"...

Then, he will see that once he starts to successfully make these changes, the convicting voice of God will disappear... and he will be closer to where God wants him to be.  

Answer 15

Maybe he is worried what the other people will think about his drinking and smoking.

I don't go to Church often because I would have to shower and find some good cloths to wear, and it is my day off work and i want to do things around the house or just relax in front of the TV.

We don't have to go to Church to be a good Christian, the Bible doesn't say that we have to go to a building called a Church to be a Christian.

Maybe you could start a house Church and bring the Church to your husband.

Answer 16

nope

Answer 17

Churches are supposed to make you feel guilty, that's their job. No guilt no church.

Answer 18

I think your doing well enough being supportive. Church however, and if it is a Bible teaching one, should make you feel guilty once in a while, if it doesn't then something may be out of place. It is stated in the book of Hebrews that "...For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart..." and in 2 Timothy that "..."All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work..."

Be sure you;re attending a well balanced church that will help you Christian growth. As for your husband, do not underestimated the power of a wife;s prayer. Pray and watch God change him through you. Waiting for the best.

Answer 19

Church should empower you, not make you feel worse.  Maybe he should attend another church that does not use guilt or scare tactics.

Answer 20

He'll come when he's ready. You are right not to push the issue. It is very hard to get a person to attend church after they stop. They have to meet all those eyes, and know that all those people are saying stuff about him. It's more than most of us can stand.

You keep telling him how proud you are of him, and how glad you are to be his wife, and that's so very important.

Answer 21

Perhaps he is saying something that he thinks will keep you satisfied. Perhaps he realizes that the church is in the business of doling out guilt, whether or not you yourself notice it.

Answer 22

GOOD.

The very reason that I even go to 'church' is to learn what it is that I do wrongly, not for a pat on the back for the 'good' that I do.

A clear conscience has no guilt....................

"Church" is not about seeing us as we wish to be, it is about seeing ourselves as we are.