What would you say to this poet?

Question

A young person wrote this poem and asked for my detailed feedback. Does anyone else want to try, too?

The poem:

If ever it rains

I must look out the window

I whisper but with no sound

My eyes awaits for your gentle touch

It's gentle, its pure, tell me why I feel so secure

Every time I feel embraced

You bring me out I touch your face

You bring me hope

You bring me love

I hope one day we will both

be loved

It's a whisper,

It's my sound

I hunger for you

Hello

your that person I can't live without

My analysis:

If ever it rains

- okay, but weak line, saved by the lilt of the transposition of it ever.

I must look out the window

I whisper but with no sound - good physical description.

My eyes awaits for your gentle touch - subtle synethesia

It's gentle, its pure, tell me why I feel so secure -reads well

Every time I feel embraced - First in a series of vague lines

You bring me out I touch your face

-You bring me out -comma- I touch your face the line reads terribly without it.

You bring me hope -okay but vague, not eye touching or whatever

You bring me love -okay but vague

I hope one day we will both -vagueness is starting to feel cliched

be loved

It's a whisper, - reworks silent whisper, good

It's my sound -ditto

I hunger for you - cliche

Hello - Lionel Richie?

your that person I can't live without

-anticlimactic generic romantic hyperbole.

Anyone agree, disagree? Thoughts/Comments?

Answer 1

Well, since you don't allow email I thought I would post this here:

I'm a tad confused.

If "socialism" and "fascism" is what every candidate for wire tapping supports, then that would mean that you wouldn't be saying McCain for 08" at all.McCain supports TORTURE and the continuance of a WAR that we shouldn't be in, in the first place. The sad thing is that I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt because I had seen you around and thought you were fairly smart but obviously you are an idiot.

You were for Obama a few weeks ago but now you're against him because he supports wire tapping? What are you? A liberatarian?

You twisted my words like every other stereotypical Republican seems to do.

Sad, sad, sad.

You are just like everyone else trying to make Obama out to be some socialist Stalin and if you can't see that he isn't I feel really bad for you. Of course, you're going to scoff at all of this like the ignorant idiot you are. Oh my, how DARE I actually look at ALL of Obama's policies. You're so smart voting against him because he supports something THE OTHER CANDIDATE SUPPORTS AS WELL.

Thanks for the best.

Answer 2

I thought it was a cat speaking.

I agree with the vagueness.

should end with; You bring me hope,You bring me love

the rest is rubbish