Whatcha' think of my story so far? I'm not done with the first chapter yet. ?

Question

When I am done with the first chapter I'll add it on as soon as possible. I hope you like it! Enjoy! Also, if you do like it then maybe I will e-mail you chapter by chapter. If you don't like it, PLEASE be open-minded about it. Thanks!

Answer 1

Sometimes the descriptions are out of place and distracting from the plot.

The characters don't seem to care enough about their situations.

Moves to quickly.

Hope this helps.

Also is "Jme" a conscious choice in spelling or an inability to spell a name? I can't tell.

Answer 2

You start off your story well, with a dead body, but the effect is lost because of your ponderous style.

Style: Your first sentence is a run-on and "flooding pool of water known as the ocean" is really contrived. You need to lose the artificial literary tone.

Characters: Your characters don't seem to act in a normal way. Most people would be shocked at seeing a dead body and having to carry it out of the ocean would be a nightmare-inducing event. Imagine how you would feel. Would you be giggling a minute later or paying attention to the swoosh of your pony tail? Or teasing if your sister had turned up dead?

Getting emotions right is the most important thing. Science Fiction and Fantasy work because people recognize the people in the story even if they are placed in an alien world with dragons or martians.

Answer 3

I like it your kind've morbid but that's ok.Here are some tips take them or leave them your choice.

Your wording is slightly confusing (mourning morning) the reader doesn't really understand what is happening is this a friend of the main character or not.  If so you might want to put in the persons feelings about this      ( and carcass is like a dead animal not a human, corpse is a human body) your  characters seem not to care that they just found a dead body in the ocean normally that is cause for a panic. and is your character a boy or a girl it is unclear.

EVEN THOUGH I AM GIVING YOU CRITICISM IT IS CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM! IT SHOWS LOT'S OF PROMISE KEEP WRITING PLEASE EMAIL ME WHEN YOU'VE WRITTEN MORE I WONT CRITICIZE (trust me) my email is [e-mail]

Answer 4

I agree with Ollie.  It makes little sense and your characters have no feeling.  How can you laugh and giggle when there's a dead body?  Weird.

Think your story through objectively and see if it makes sense.  For example, how can you tell if her tears are soaking into your bathing suit?  You've just come out of the ocean - your suit is already wet!

A lot of your metaphors are confusing and unneeded.

Take away all the metaphors and 'cobwebs' and see if you still have a story that is worth reading.

Answer 5

Since you asked for opinions, I can tell you that I personally feel as though it makes little sense, is very contrived and poorly written. I know people talk about how writing can be free form and as creative as you want, but making sense is always pretty important. Grammar is also kind of crucial...