Whats With Assuming I Had a 'Bad Experience'?

Question

Please let me explain again, my views on the US Adoption System do not come from any 'bad experience with adoption' they come from being discriminated against simply because of my adoptive status (access to my own record of birth) and from researching the way adoption is practised across the USA.

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY EXPERIENCE OF BEING ADOPTED, WHICH, HAVING HEARD FROM OTHER ADOPTEES EXPERIENCES, COULD NOT HAVE BEEN BETTER. I LOVE MY ADOPTIVE PARENTS AND MY VIEWS ON ADOPTION HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY EXPERIENCE GROWING UP WITH THEM! Geez, please STOP with the 'bad experience' labelling puleeeeeeeze!

Answer 1

Amen, hear hear, and you go, Girl!

I have had what must be one of the best adoption experiences of the baby scoop era.  My a'parents were/are wonderful, loving people who experienced my adoption and upbringing as a journey of discovery.  They did an amazing job of raising me to be who I am, not a replica of the child they would have had had they not been infertile.  Anything I showed an interest in or propensity toward, they encouraged, respected, and explored themselves.  They did the same for my a'brother, even though he was and is less "like them" (in appearance, interests, etc.) than I am.  They love us in a more unconditional sense than some people I know love their natural kids.

And yet, every time I say the first word about adoption reform, here it comes--"You must have had a bad experience, your a'parents must have been abusive, you can't judge everyone by your miserable upbringing."

I think people say this  because they want to discount the idea that there could ever possibly be anything wrong with anyone's adoption, ever, which is silly.  I am so, so tired of defending myself and the people who raised me.    

I don't bash other people's natural or adoptive parents.  I try my best not to discount other people's truths.  I don't understand why I have to spend so much energy defending myself, my feelings, my loved ones, my truth.    

Thank you for asking this.  I hope it will educate at least one person somewhere, if only a little.

Answer 2

People who don't know any better only know how to assume. Your the bigger person for being so open minded in such a situation. Let them assume all they want. As long as you know what your happy with in life

Answer 3

A-Freaking-MEN!

Answer 4

I'm hoping this doesn't come across as rude or disrespectful, because it is not meant that way.  I just need help in understanding something amongst adoptees.  Based on your question, I thought perhaps I could get a better understanding on this.  Here it goes.

I've talked with you before, so I understand that you did not have a bad experience with adoption and that your views are not based on anything that others might consider a negative experience.  However, my confusion comes from adoptees  who stress very clearly that they did not have a bad experience and love their adoptive parents dearly but then turn around and attack me because I have had a positive adoption experience also - but as an adoptive parent.  I don't mean to say that you have attacked me - please realize that I'm not accusing you personally - I'm just trying to understand the overall adoptee sentiment in this category, I guess.  And your question seemed like the perfect opportunity for me to raise this concern/question in response to your comments.  I apologize again as this is NOT meant to offend anyone.  I'm just trying to better understand things for my son's sake.

Answer 5

Being discriminated against because of your adoptive status is a bad experience that came as a result of adoption.

Having a bad experience doesn't have to mean that you were unloved or abused by your adoptive parents...

Answer 6

Kudos to you! People always want to think that someone is "broken" or "had a bad experience" or "need emotional help" because of a legitimate question that they ask. Sorry that the people on here have been so rude. I agree that the adoption regulations in the US are a bit crazy. Glad to hear that you had a good adoptive experience. Adoption doesn't make you any different than anyone else. People are ignorant.

Answer 7

Ok, fine, jeez, stop taking this site so seriously.

Answer 8

You have received many great answers already! I just love this forum and my fellow members of the triad who add so much to it.  I have so much respect for you'all and have learned a TON. Thanks gals & guys!  

In answer to the question, "What's with assuming I had a 'bad experience'?; Well, sadly, anyone doing so can dismiss out right anything you (we) have to say about adoption.  Assuming you (we) had a bad experience is a way to invalidate the thoughts, concerns, ideas expressed here.  

Which makes me wonder...why ask questions or read answers at all?  I appreciate everyone's answers, even those I don't agree with.  With one exception, I don't appreciate the name calling or rude comments directed at others.

Answer 9

Wow.  I had to take some time to read your responses to other questions before I understood why you posted this in the first place.  (I've never been in this section of Yahoo Answers before.)  I was particularly struck by your response to the "what changes would you make" question.  And I wholeheartedly agree with everything you said.  I'm not adopted, have never done research on adoption, or anything, but just by reading your responses to some questions, I find myself far more educated than I was before.  Wow.  Just wow.  Thank you.

Answer 10

I'm adopted, too. :D

Answer 11

THAT IS BECAUSE LC THINKS IT IS FUNNY THAT ADOPTEES DO NOT HAVE ACCESS TO THEIR RECORDS.

HE FEELS THAT ADOPTEES DO NOT NEED THEIR RECORDS. THAT THEY DO NOT DESERVE ANY INFORMATION FROM THEIR ADOPTION RECORDS.

Answer 12

Because that's the only way people can rationalize an adoptee speaking out against the golden calf called adoption.

What's truly sad is that nobody stops to wonder just why there AREN'T reforms taking place where there ARE obviously so many 'angry' adoptees who had 'bad' experiences.

If so many of us had these 'bad' experiences, then obviously there must be a flaw in the perfect system, huh?  A bit of tarnish on that golden adoption calf.

Answer 13

I do get the feeling that you have a bad taste for adoption beyond the "record" deal. Is it for anyone else to say how you should find healing? Probably not.

I do think some of you views are extreme, but they are your views and even though they are extreme compared, it has opened my eyes to issues that my son may have, so thanks.

ETA---

I never said that sealed record are right or that you are wrong for being angry. I'm just saying that it's not your only issue with adoption as you have stated in your previous answers. You listed a dozen in a previous question today. That's all I'm sayin'

Answer 14

It is interesting to me that it is those who work in the industry who are often trying to discredit people like Heather by slapping them with the label "anti-adoption".  That same person trying so hard to discredit you with your imagined  "bad experience"  has even been known to call adoptive parents "anti-adoption" in the past when he found a question not to his taste.  Absurd!

Yes, for some it is much easier to name call and ridicule than come up with an intelligent answer.

Pity them but don't let it get too you.

Answer 15

Unfortunately there are people who cannot separate issues.  For example, I really like my job and my employer a lot.  However, there are some things I'd like changed at my job.  Does this equate to "I hate my job?"  Of course not.  I don't know anyone who would even make such an assumption.  Change the words "my job" to "my adoption" and suddenly separating the two becomes an unbelievable task for some.

There are also those people who seem to think that because someone simply got adopted by someone else that they are not entitled to the same right to their own record of birth  as non-adopted people (including people relinquished by their natural parents who are not adopted.)  Just because someone else doesn't see the importance in equal treatment under the law doesn't mean that it has no intrinsic value.  In the U.S., equal treatment under the law is touted as a value.  But, in the eyes of some, it is not a viable value if a person happened to become adopted.

Now, what does wanting equal treatment under the law have to do with my "adoption experience?"

Answer 16

ummm....thats a rant, not a question