Whats going on with my hubby?

Question

One minute my hubby says he loves me then tells me he doesn't love me but cares for me. This was 2 weeks ago. He has spent a few nights at his brothers (which is definite) at the moment he is at home but we are in seperate rooms. I've asked if there is any hope and he says he doesn't know yet he seems to want everything to be normal. We go shopping days out, he even just rang me and asked if he should work overtime at the weekend and said if he does this will be a lot of extra money for us.He still calls me babes and hugs me kisses me but only on the cheek or head. I have given him a bad time accusing him of seeing other women (without any reason just sheer jealousy). He is quite sensitive. Have i scared him off. We've been together for 22 years and have 2 children.So confused advice as to what you think please.

3 minutes ago - 3 days left to answer.

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Answer 1

Accusing him of cheating without reason puts a tremendous amount of unnecessary stress in the relationship and on your children.Remember that your children are greatly affected by you and your husbands relationship also. You said that you were accusing him of cheating out of sheer jealousy. Sheer jealousy of what? You both have been together for 22 years. Maybe he is bored with you and your antics. Is accusing him of cheating something that happens regularly? It's easy to fall into the same boring routine when your with someone for a lengthy period of time. Having children also makes you lose focus on your partner and their needs. Try spicing up your marriage. Set a designated night for a date night for the two of you. Do things spontaneously every once in a while. If you truly want this to work then you BOTH need to put the time and effort into making it work. Apologize for accusing him of cheating if you know this isn't true. Try to communicate with each other better. Lack of communication is the end of many relationships. You can't just expect things to go back as they were before. That will take time and work. But if it is something that you both want then it will happen. I would even suggest that you see a shrink to help you sort out your jealousy issues. Good luck to you and your family. I hope things work out for the best.  

Answer 2

Could be mid-life crisis and he needs a little TLC.

After 22 years your kids should surely be adults so why dont you take a little time out and go for a dirty weekend away ?

I am being serious, if you can have great s*x away from the usual mundane things in life then it will only bring you closer to each other.

He sounds depressed to me and instead of you concentrating on how he is making you feel why dont you try to spoil him a little with extra loving etc.,

I assume you have been able to have chats about all this and got nowhere so now its time for the woman in you to take over.

You know what keeps a man happy so be there for him.

Good luck.

Answer 3

If you have always accused him of cheating and he has never given you reasons to think he has, then it sounds as if he has grown tired of it. The one thing a good man needs from his wife is respect. If they find the wife is constantly putting him down by accusing him of cheating and he tries so hard to be a good loyal husband, after a while he gives up trying to please his wife. His attitude could be, "If I am going to be accused of cheating, then why not do it"....not saying he is cheating just saying if he does do not be surprised. Now you have a husband who loves you but just is not happy to be with you because of having to face all the accusations. If he is a good husband and you truly feel unjustified in the ways you have accused him, then apologise to him. But, this does not mean you wait around at home waiting for him to decide if he wants to come home. You say to him that you agree he has not been happy and that you are willing to do what it takes to make for a better marriage. But that he either decides to work on things or he leaves you no option but to take his lack of motivation to work on things is as an indication that the marriage is over. Tell hiim if he needs time to decide that you are willling to wait a reasonable amount of time but that he is not to come over whenever he feels like.That this makes it more difficult for you to accept the fact that you might have to let him go. What I am saying is that by you always being available to him you are not giving him incentive to come back and commit on working on the marriage. He is trying to act as if things are normal between you when at the same time he is having the freedom of not having to commit to you.  

Answer 4

Sounds like the excitement is gone. You need to play a little harder to get. He could just be bored with how things are going. Start dramatically fixing yourself up and playing hard to get! You might even want to invest in a few things that will spice up the love life. (:

Answer 5

poor you and poor him, ask him if he wants to work this out if he says yes seek out a good marriage counselor

Answer 6

Well, the "spark" has definitely gone out. The question is whether it is dead or simply subdued.

I TRULY don't want to sound negative or take away your hope, but it sounds like it's become a marriage of convenience and stability - it's "safe" - rather than one of passion and love.

A) I'm not a therapist or a counselor, so this is only a real-life personal opinion

B) Seems like we'd need to hear what he is thinking too to get a balanced view of what's going on.

Answer 7

He is feeling the frustration of being accussed of cheating. Have you tried apologizing to him for that? It seems as if he still wants things to be normal so you can apologize and try and make things right again.

Best of luck!

Answer 8

you may be growing apart from lack of communication. Sit down and talk it through with each other. communication is the  key to relationships. i hope your marriage is ok.

he may be cheating on you.

Answer 9

There is no way anyone can peer into your husbands mind and give you exactly what is going on inside. Although i can tell you a few things that make sense to me, because we are both male. After being married for so many years he may just be feeling like all his attempts at loving you have fallen short. That is, he doesn't feel like he has succeeded. One example... perhaps you keep fighting over the same thing over and over through the years and he usually just "gives in" to you for the sake of peace, while inside he may really desire for you to see things from his point of view. This happens a lot to me and to other married men i am friends with but I don't really know if this is exactly why. The changing of his wording from "love" to "care for" sounds like a new attempt at honesty on his part. The kissing on the head and cheek sounds like a confirmation of that. He may feel like after so many years of being misunderstood or unimportant, or feeling like he has to "give in" yet again has finally caught up with him and now he wants to change things. So he is being honest with how he feels inside. It is drastic, but you did say he was sensitive. The fact that he still wants to share his life with you by asking you about his work and going on outings with you demonstrates (to me) that he has no desire to leave you, but that he really needs you to know that he cant stand the way things have been and that there has to be a change. Most men are results driven. If I want something to be different in my life, i am going to keep trying different avenues until the desired results begin to occur. I know, i seems overly simplistic, but a lot of men, not all, think this way.

Again, i could be totally out of the ball-park, but you asked for advice.I would say maybe try getting a neutral third party mediator, or even counselor if he is willing, and spend some time really searching your heart, see if you have wounded him somewhere. You are going to have the answer, just give him some space. And, very importantly, let HIM be the one to tell you wants going on. Dont try to speak for him, or create an excuse on his behalf.

Answer 10

sounds to me he is having an affair.

Answer 11

he sounds guilty of something.

he wants you to be normal but he is in a different room?

why doesnt he know what he wants?

are you sure its overtime? sound like time away from you

my dad used to "work overtime" so he could cheat on my mum.

why did you accuse him if you had no reason?

personally you are both in the wrong. he has been upto something maybe still is. and he isnt being normal if he is sleeping in a different room.

you have accused him of doing something for "no reason"

you need to sit down with him and talk about it.

if he keeps going round in circles either get rid or put up with it.

Answer 12

22 years is a long time to just throw away!  Why are you so jealous after all this time?  He may be thinking of or having an affair..after all you accuse him of it he might as well be guilty!

Just give him some space.  Men are funny creatures sometimes.  Maybe it has absolutely nothing to do with you too!  Could be stress at work, mid life crisis, etc.  and add to it you harping on him and he can't take it so he runs away.

I would go on with my life and things I do and just keep things in neutral for awhile.  No pressure, no accusations.  But one time, one time only, say to him, look I know things are a little rough right now and I'm sorry but I don't want to throw away 22 years, if you want to talk, I'm here. Then shut up.  

Answer 13

Organise a holiday for a week for both of you and try and figure out what you both want or perhap try counselling?  

Sleeping in a separate bed is not a good sign nor are excuses for spending the weekend away from you.

I would be suspicious he is involving himself with someone else but it may just be emotional drift too.  You need to find out but not in a way you are pushing him into a corner.

Answer 14

overtime? at the office?

are you sure? and are you sure he has been at his brothers

Answer 15

Ignore that first answer.

Your husband may be going through a sort of mid-life crisis not sure what he wants to do etc.  First of all stop accusing him if it is not true.  Second, when you are out on one of your shopping weekends have a heart to heart talk.  Tell him you love him, you obvious do, and how much he means to you.  Ask him if you can do anything to help him through whatever it is he is going through and that you can go through it together because even after 22 years you want another 22 years.

Good luck

Answer 16

Oh god that sounds bad . If i were you i would confront him about it because if he loved you before then somethings wrong i would accuse him of seeing other women but thats just be so to you I would say talk it out with him and see whats wrong .

Answer 17

Well, you definitely need to have a E.O.R, and evaluation of your relationship. Ask him why he don't you kiss me on the lips? Or why do you insist on saying hurtful things, like you don't love me? You need to talk to him. Ignoring this won't make anything better. If you truly love him and don't want to divorce for your kids sake or your sake, then tell him that you are willing to do anything to save your marriage. But if you want a divorce, then you need to tell him that you have been thinking about divorce. It is all up to what you WANT to do. Why live your life doing the things you don't want to do?

Answer 18

tell him you are sorry for saying he was cheating without having any proof.  

Answer 19

U didnt scare him off. I think he wants that so he can have an easier time cheating, Leave the dog

Answer 20

Sounds like male menopause to me. Since you have 22 years invested in this relationship I would hang in there maybe even get marriage counseling, with or without him.

Answer 21

this has happened to me before with a man i was in a relationship with/living with. we lived together for a few years too. he didnt move out but he told me he no longer loved me but cared for me. he said maybe we could take a 'break' and he thought his feelings might change in a few months. he was basically looking to cheat without being called a cheater but i found out he was cheating on me with a girl who had just turned 18 (he was in his mid-late twenties). i spoke to the poor girl who had no idea about me and according to her they met 2 weeks before he told me he no longer loved me. some men are no used to attractive girls hitting on them and will go for anyone that is attractive and interested. maybe this is the case with your man?

Answer 22

Sounds like you have freaked the guy out. Tell him you will see a shrink if he agrees to stay.

Answer 23

Maybe you accused him of cheating becuase your gut instinct is telling you that he is.

I think you might want to ask him to go to relationship counselling, otherwise a separation may be the next step.

22 years is a long time and you are probably very comfortable with each other. At least he still give you affection and involves you in his decisions such as working overtime.

He has maybe backed away becuase of what you say.

Another idea may be to suggest sleeping in the same bed but just to cuddle or have a kiss and cuddle not s*x. That way you can start to re-connect.

Answer 24

I honestly believe he's having an affair. I believe he doesn't want to lose you because you are a large part of his life (22 years) I hope your kids are grown. If the love is gone, you will have to make some hard choices. You're at a turning point in your life.  You can..........

Put your blindfold on and hope it over soon. Stay in a comfortable loveless marriage OR do a 180 turn and begin a new life. That  would scare anyone. Either way you're in for a tough time. Be strong and you can get through this time. Good Luck

Answer 25

Sorry to say but sounds like all of the following to me:

#1 he's Cheating - oh c'mon he stopped kissing you on the lips!!!! that's just pure insane and obvious!

he's unhappy and fell out of love with you.

he's bored with you and the relationship

You think it's your actions that's scaring him off??? no dear you're just reacting very natuarlly to his actions, you've done nothing wrong here, but his actions just tell me that he's purposely trying to push you away so that whatever he's doing behind your back is just all the more easier on him to continue doing.

Instead of wasting time shopping w/ him sit down and have a true heart to heart with him. Just get the truth out as soon as possible. If he refuses to let you in on what he's going through, Leave Him.