Whats taken so long? (popping the question)?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been together 4 years and 7 months now. Living together 1 year and 8 months (on our 2nd apartment together). Hes 23 I'm almost 21 yes young but still..He keeps blaming money on why he hasn't bought a ring. I understand that I told him...I told him its not about the ring its about him taken the next step. He still doesn't seem interested. We have looked at rings now 3 times but that is all the father it goes. We don't talk about rings after that.

Friends and family keep asking...why we haven't tied the knot yet. And I just say he hasn't even asked. or the time will come.

So any ideas why hes taken so long?

Answer 1

This really is a relationship question and not a wedding question.

Anywho, he hasn't asked you to marry him probably for two reasons: 1) he doesn't want to get married, or 2) he doesn't want to marry you.

Neither are your fault or his fault.  It's just the way it is.

Furthermore, by living with him he has all the conveniences of having a wife (two-income household, s*x when he wants, maybe some cooking and cleaning?) but without the real responsibility.  You have given him no incentive to take the next step.

Sorry to be so matter of fact but I'm trying to be honest!

Answer 2

Well I got married when I was 21 and I didn't think I was too young either. My husband and I have been married 8 years now and still strong. I know this is not 50 years but we will get there. We don't necessarily regret getting married young but we are not sure why we were in such a rush. We don't regret our children either but wish we would have waited a little longer to have them.

I say all of this to say I know how you feel but...

You should not rush him. He may feel a lot of pressure from you and family and friends. Many times feeling pressured to do something takes away the joy.

Also I am not putting you down but when you are 30 or 40 you will probably look back and think this is kind of silly. I am not doubting you haven't been through a lot together but what you consider a lot may not be what others consider a lot.

Enjoy your time being his girlfriend now because when you eventually become his wife and mother of his children it will be a whole new ballgame. Good luck!

Answer 3

I knwo exactly how you feel... well, I was in a relationship for less time than you were, but I got tired of waiting...

He always said something along the lines of "I know your the right girl for me" but he never proposed... He ended up breaking my heart way too many times (you don't continually lie to the person you "love) and it got to the point where he was disregarding my well-being just so he could have fun and smoke up (get high) with his buddies.

I left him...

I refused to put my life on hold, just so he could mature enough to realize he could indeed lose me...

I'm married now, and I heard a few months ago that he had said he could believe he had been stupid enough to lose me like that...

Oh well... Now I'm married to a man who cherishes me, and snatched me away before I had second thoughts...

Show your boyfriend that you will not live your life in girlfriend limbo...

If he still does nothing... move on... we deserve better than being put on hold...

Answer 4

I wouldn't buy the cow if the milk were free.cut off the milk and see how fast he moves to a new pasture.

Answer 5

This has nothing to do with money, obviously. It's that you are shacking up, and he has no need or want to get married. He's got a great life!

Answer 6

No matter what you've been through, you're still very very young. Everyone thinks that they've been through more than the next couple. And while that may be true, you need to take a step back and look at the whole situation. Marriage is meant to be forever. So in the grand scheme of things, another 2 or 3 years is not that much time. Why are you in such a hurry if everything is going so well? It will happen when you BOTH are ready. Don't push him into it or you will push him away. I see it all the time. Slow down. Enjoy your relationship. Being 21 and 22 is very young to get married. The average age of people to get married is 26 and 28. Still 50% end in divorce. Most of those people who get divorced say that they should have waited longer. Get to know yourselves first and if he's meant to be your husband, he will be.  

Answer 7

This is a tough one. It could be that your boyfriend simply doesn't feel like he's "where he wants to be" in life in order to make a commitment as huge as marriage. In this case, as much as he loves you and may want to marry you in the future, it's best not to put the pressure on.

The ring may not be important to you, but it may be important to him; it is symbolic of where he is at professionally and financially. 23 is, as you said, very young. The key is, has your boyfriend verbalized his desire to marry you in the future? If he has given you this assurance, then the time should come.  If he hasn't, then he may have an issue with committing to a future with you at this moment in time. It would not be be unreasonable to check in with him a year from now to make sure you are both on the same page; you deserve to know where you stand, and you clearly want that commitment from him. No one wants to feel as thought they're wasting their time.

Answer 8

Maybe he is too scared to ask the question? I'm 20 years old and my fiance is 23, (24 next month) and he just asked me to marry him this year and we have been together for 4 years. We have a 15month old daughter together also and I have asked him why it took him so long to ask and he said "he was scared and didnt know how to pop the question, where to ask and all that good stuff"

Just keep talking with him and assure him that you want to marry him and make sure he has the same plans as you do.

if all else fails...ASK HIM..lol

Answer 9

I think moving in with him was the problem.  He probably thinks of you as his "wife" and doesn't have to make the commitment to you.  

However, like others have said, you are young and have time.  But I'll tell you what I've told a friend of mine in a similar situation (although they are not living together).  Come up with a timeline that includes when you would like to be engaged.  Discuss it with him and let him know that if that time passes and there's no engagement you're gone.  It is stupid to stick around with someone who is not going to commit.  I really think my friend needs to break up with her boyfriend, but she never will.  I don't know you well enough to know whether or not you should just call it quits or keep waiting.

Answer 10

You guys are BOTH really young and you shouldn't be worrying about marriage. He's smart to wait until you have more money because weddings, no matter what  your budget, are expensive, and he probably wants to do it right.

Just enjoy your time together now and let things develop naturally. There's no reason why you have to be married in two or three years. If you're in the same situation when you're 25, then let us all know.

Nothing about this situation alarms me, except for the fact that you have a need to get married and did not mention once that you love him. Wait it out. You'll be happy you did in the future. You guys are going to grow and change a lot on the next few years and when you get married for the right reasons, it's about a million times better.

EDIT: Hun, the fact that "you won't wait until 25" says a lot about why you want to get married. Follow your boyfriend's lead. He's doing it right by waiting.

Answer 11

You said it yourself- you're both still quite young, and maybe he doesn't feel ready to be a good husband yet.  Even though you've been together nearly five years, that doesn't necessarily mean you're ready for marriage.  You're both still so nice and young- why not just enjoy this stage in your life, and marriage will happen when it's supposed to.  Don't let input from family members and friends affect your decisions- you're doing the smart thing to not get married yet- statistics show that marriages between people under 25 years of age have a 60% failure rate, while marriages between people older than 25 have a much lower divorce rate.  You think you're old now, being 21 and legal and all that, but trust me, you're going to change more in this next 5 years than you did all through your teens, and so will your BF.  Just take it slow.

You're quite smart to not want to buy a house until you're married, though- "marriage before mortgage" is a favorite motto of mine- you don't want to be stranded with half a mortgage payment and nowhere to live if something should happen between you two without a marriage to legally protect your assets.  Just take the pressure off him about marriage and things will run their course naturally.