Whats the best joke you have ever heard?

Question

Whats the best joke you have ever heard?

Answer 1

I don't remember. i heard so much!!!!

Answer 2

’ Don’t do that or you will go blind..

My dad came into my bedroom last night and caught me doing something private.

He said, ’ Don’t do that or you will go blind.’

So I stopped stabbing myself in the eye with a pencil and had a wan*.

Answer 3

Memory's Going

An eighty year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's office, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down, making notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

Then his wife asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

"No, I can remember that."

"Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that," his wife said.

"I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well, I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that. You had better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He went into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said, "You forgot my toast."

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Answer 4

Three blonde's go hiking, and they come across a set of tracks. The first blonde says, hey, look! its moose tracks... the second one says, no silly, its bear tracks... the third blonde says you're both wrong, they are obviosly bird tracks...

Whilst they are arguing what kind of tracks they are, they get hit by a train.

Be dum tsh.

Hope you like it :p

Answer 5

Two goldfish in a tank,

One turns to the other and says

"So how do we fire the gun"

Answer 6

Ron and his new friend Arty were having a drink together, and were talking about their respective married lives.

I had s*x with my wife before we were married," said Don, "did you?"

"Gee, I don't know," answered Arty. "What was your wifes maiden name?"  



I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Edna to Priscilla.

"But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded.

"He did. That's why I have to take every precaution."  



Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool.

When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said: "Did you notice the small dongs on the rich kids?"

The other answered: "Yeah! It's probably because they have toys to play with

Answer 7

http://uk.news.launch.yahoo.com/dyna/art...

Answer 8

18 year old virgin.

No recollection from the victim.

No witnesses.

Carlsberg don't do rapes....

Answer 9

What's worse than forgetting your packed lunch on the first day of school?

Being f***ed up the a** by Gary Glitter

Answer 10

(1)

How do you keep a blond busy ?

Sit her down in a room and give her a piece of paper that says turn over on   both sides!

(2)

A man goes to a doctor.

And the doctor asks what is the problem ?

The man says every where I touch is sore!

The doctor touches his leg and asks: is that sore ?

The man replies: no.

The doctor touches his arm and asks: is that sore ?

again the man replies: no.

The doctor picks up the mans finger and says is that sore ?

the man replies: yes.

lol

Answer 11

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up.

When the spedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help," he pleads.

She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover yourself with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road.

When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

Answer 12

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00 am."

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed ... it said... "It is 5.00am; wake up." !!!!!

Answer 13

An American, a French and a Romanian travel around the world.

Suddenly the American says "Now, we're in the USA."

The others ask "How do you know?"

"Because I see the Statue of Liberty."

Later the French says "Now we're in France."

Again, "How do you know?"

"Because I see the Eiffel Tower."

Finally the Romanian says proudly "Now we're in Romania."

The American and the French ask, "How do you know?"

"Because they stole my watch."

P.S. It's not the best but if I told you one of those that actually make me laugh I'd most likely get suspended again.

Answer 14

A woman with a baby gets on a bus.  The driver looks at the baby and says, "Lady, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."  The woman storms to the back of the bus in a huff.  She says to a man sitting next to her, "That bus driver just insulted me."  The man says, "You don't have to take that from him.  You go right up there and tell him off.  Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."

Answer 15

There were 4 cows sitting in a field

One mommy cow, three baby cows

The first baby cow says "Mommy, why is my name Daisey?"

Mommy Cow says "because when you were born a daisey petal fell on your head"

Second baby cow says "Mommy, why is my name Rose?"

Mommy Cow says "because when you were born a daisey petal fell on your head"

The third Baby cow says "KF:OKJDFWIRURBKSIWQNIIIOOWAURKIUY"

Mommy cow says "SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK!"

haha best joke ive ever heard

Answer 16

You know that woman who had a face transplant? If she gave you a ********, would that technically count as a threesome?

Answer 17

Why are pirates pirates?

because they just arrrrrgggh!

My favourite joke involves an impression of a monkey, so doesn't translate into type well.