Whats the funniest thing u have heard lately?

Question

i need to laugh at something so any good new jokes.. any funny stories that have happened to u lately anything plz.. im bored.. lol

Answer 1

true story {grandpa got his wiener caught in the barn doors}

Answer 2

whats black and skinny and runs at a hundred miles per hour

an ethopian with a mcdonalds voucher!!

hahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahhahhhhhh

Answer 3

1.  Working / Earning not mandatory.

2.  We never have to buy our own drinks at the bar.

3.  We don't have to bother on mobile bills.

4.  We get out of speeding tickets by crying.

5.  We don't have to stand on the queue to get tickets.

6.  We can sleep our way to the top of the class.

7.  We don't have to worry about the purse when we shop with men.

8.  We can marry rich and then not have to work.

  

9.  We never have to pay when we go out on dates.

10.  Men take us on all expense paid trips

11.  We always get place to sit when using public transport.

12.  Easy to get a ride.

13.  Men hold the door open for us.

14.  Jewels looks good on us.

15.  We lie better.

16.  We're better manipulators.

17.  We always end up sleeping in the bed when we fight with our other halves - you guys get the couch.

18.  We always have food in the fridge.

19.  We don't worry about losing our hair.

20.  We always get to choose the movie.

21.  We don't have to mow the lawn.

22.  We don't have to take out the garbage.

23.  We don't have to paint the house or walls.

24. If we need to our boyfriends just a missed call is enough.

25. We can easily show our disappointments or disapprovals.

26.  We can con our way out of anything - not just  dig ourselves deeper into a hole.

27.  Men unlock our side of the car first - a real bonus when its cold.

28. Even strangers shows care if we are in trouble. Men have to manage themselves.

29.  Men are like tiles, lay 'em right the first  time you can walk all over em forever.

30. We can cry in public. Men cant.

31. We don't feel shy to cry.

32. We don have worry if we lose the fight.

33.  Sweat is s**y on us.

34.  We never run out of excuses.

35.  You guys may get to think about s*x 200 times a day, but we could be having it that often.

36. We can borrow clothes or accessories from our friends.

37.  We get expensive jewelry as gifts that we NEVER have to give back.

38.  We get candy, flowers and jewelry all the time because men s***w up so often.

39.  We can give "the look" that will make any man want to cower in the corner.

40.  Women are cleaner.

41. We know how to make up stories.

42.  We're better arguers.

43.  We don't always have to think with our genitals.

44. We don't have to worry if we are plump. Men still like us.

45.  We're better parents.

46.  We never have to sit home alone on a weekend night.

47.  There's never a shortage of ready, willing, and able men.

48.  We're flexible.

49.  When women get upset, we don't destroy property or hurt people - we just take it out on the world in general because we can.

50. Easy to make friendships.

51. Much easy to get a date.

52.  Men have to be in uniform.

53. We can do makeup anywhere

54. If we do heavy purchase we don't have to carry those things. Men are there.

55.  It generally takes us less to get drunk.

56.  We have a higher tolerance to pain.

57.  We often get to cut in line (Queue).

58.  Most women actually look good in short shorts      - men DON'T.

59.  Better tips.

60.  Women who don't wear underwear are considered s**y and wild, when men do it, it's rather disgusting

61.  We have mastered civilized eating - we don't embarrass our friends or make loud bodily noises in public.

62.  Women can go a day without showering or shaving and not look or smell disgusting - thank heaven for long pants and perfume!

63.  We can connive men into doing our homework, writing our papers or carrying our books anytime we want.

64.  We don't have excessive amounts of body hair.

65.  We don't spend 45 minutes on the toilet.

66. We don't bother if our IQ level is less. Just a smile is enough.

67. We are always smart.

68.  We can throw a punch at a man and not get hit in return.

69.  We don't have to lie to boast ourselves better.

70.  Men walk on the side of the sidewalk closest to the road so that if a car hits us, he gets hurt not us.

71.  Women sweat less.

72.  Women smell better.

73.  When women make their boyfriends mad, we don't have to waste money on flowers or cards

74.  Men are more often serial killers, thieves, rapists and cheats.

75. We don get charged if we tease men in public.

76. We can be late to the office.

77.  We don't get embarrassed when buying tampons.

78.  We're better gossips.

79.  We have better fashion sense.

80.  We're better shoppers.

81.  We don't have to make fools out of ourselves to impress a man.

82.  Our friends don't pick on us if we aren't sleeping with anyone.

83.  Men don't know what our 'girl talk' is all about (and I'm not gonna tell you)

84.  We're all sitting on a gold mine - we know it and use it to our extreme advantage.

85.  We don't have to drive when on a date.

86.  An ugly woman can use makeup and get a new hairdo to become presentable - ugly men are just ugly.

87. We can search for hours together in a shop not necessary to buy.

88. Don't have to maintain great physique.

89.  Women look better naked

90.  We know that rhythm doesn't only pertain to dancing.

91.  When women are short, we're petite.  When men are short, they're just short.

92.  Women do less time for violent crimes.

93.  Women don't have to worry about not being able to get it up.

94. There are many hands to lift  us when we slip to ground. Poor men they have to get up on their own.

95. And we don't have to feel shy about falling down.

96.  Women's conversations generally consist of more than just "uh huh, yep ok then bye"

97.  Women don't need an excuse to be in a bad mood.

98.  The remote control is not an extension of ourselves.

99.  Women are sexier.

100.  We can get laid ANYTIME, ANYWHERE, ANY WAY we want it.........!

Answer 4

DORMITORY:

When you rearrange the letters:

DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:

When you rearrange the letters:

BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:

When you rearrange the letters:

MOON STARER

DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:

When you rearrange the letters:

HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :

When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:

When you rearrange the letters:

CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS:

When you rearrange the letters:

LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

A DECIMAL POINT:

When you rearrange the letters:

IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THAT q***r SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:

When you rearrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER

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Answer 5

i got few jokes try these if they can do the trick~~!!!!!!

A guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly he saw a car coming toward him and stop.

Without thinking about it, the guy got into the back seat, closed the door and then realized there was nobody behind the wheel! The car started slowly; the guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started to pray begging for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time right before a curve.

Gathering his strength, the guy finally jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he went to a restaurant and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was serious.

About half an hour later, two guys walked in the same restaurant. They looked around for a table when one said to the other, "Look John, that's the guy who got in the car when we were pushing it."

joke2

Teacher asked the students to make one exclamatory sentence...

Teacher : four beautiful ladies r walking on the road. change it to exclamatory sentence ..

Student : WOW !

joke3

I was barely sitting down when i heard a vioce from the other stall saying : "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom But i don't know what got into me, so i answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of quesion is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so i say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just travelling!"

At this point im just trying to get out as fast as i can when i hear i hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but i figured i could just be polite and end the conversation. i tell him, "No....... I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then i hear guy say nervously... .

Listen. i'll have to call you back. There's is an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my

questions!!!"

joke4

A poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, "My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd, and I'm nervous as a cat."

"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" asked the collie.

"I can't," replied the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."