Whats the next step?

Question

My husband and I have been together since we were 15. I had our daughter very young and really didn't get to live life. My husband is for lack of better terms, a loner. Always has been. He really has a hard time showing emotions. And our relationship has been going downhill for years. I basically raised our daughter alone, did everything and even worked. I raised her and built an amazing relationship with her. Don't get me wrong, I love him. He's my best friend. But "in love" I'm not. Here's where it gets complicated:

My husband and I spent just about 100% of the first 3 years of our relationship apart (that's another long story) due to what his family called him being a "bad" kid but during that time I dated another guy who I've ALWAYS had feelings for. He was always there for me when I was having problems even after my husband and I got things worked out. I had lost contact with this guy for about 15 years partly because we moved away and he married a very jealous woman who wouldn't allow him to talk to me. Then last year we got reacquinted. He's an amazing guy. And treats me like a princess and talks to me with respect just as he always has.

Ok, my life here is good and I know that if I were to leave, things would be TOUGH including the move back to my original state because the other guy has a young son.

I'm just not sure how to proceed with my life. And the thought of losing my husband KILLS me.

Any advice?

And before anyone goes there...nothing has happened between me and the other guy at all.

Answer 1

If the thought of losing your husband KILLS you then dont. If I were in your exact shoes, I would talk with my loner hubby and see how he feels about this relationship. If he still wants it, then you really have a delima. It is in my opinion that the marraige isnt just yours to destroy. Its his marraige too and if he wants to try and make things work (in these cercumnstances, no abuse, adultry or drugs) then why not give him that chance.

If he feels the same way, then it sounds like you can part and still keep the father of your child as your best friend, but persue this other man that you have feelings for.

I just hope that if one or both of you still holds a flame for this marraige, you wont throw it away.

Good luck

Answer 2

Keep that thought!  You write you have feelings for him and that is understandable.  I have feelings for some of the men I dated, I wish them long and happy lives.  You have opened your fantasy for a life different from the one you have.

The reality is this Mr Wonderful is probably just like the Mr Wonderful you are married to.  There was a reason his wife divorced him.  Everything we contemplate doing with our lives always looks shiny and new in our minds eye.  I suggest the next contact you have with this man be an up beat "I wish you well, it's been great catching up" ending.

Then find something for you and your husband that will put some shiny newness into your marriage.  You and your husband are entering the next phase of your marriage.  There will not be more children to raise, your disposable income is the biggest it has ever been, you are still young enough to pursue new interests and all you need to do is communicate ideas and get up off that laz-y-boy.

Put some shine on reality.  

Answer 3

It sounds to me your scared of change,but you will never be truly happy unless you try,life is short be happy in it

Answer 4

look before you do anything remember that your little child will live without a father if your get devorced

Answer 5

"And before anyone goes there...nothing has happened between me and the other guy at all."

Sure it has.  You're emotionally involved.  Don't buy into your own BS, that's called "delusion".

The grass is never greener.

Answer 6

don't do it.  you already know the answer to this one.

any man that would openly court another woman who is married with a child is no man that you should want to be with.  it is a recipe for disaster.

he could not make one marriage last, what makes you think a relationship with him would be any more long-lasting.

your current husband has proven that he has "what it takes" to make a marriage last.  you knew his personality when you married him.

having a friendship with another guy that you have feelings for is cheating.  emotional cheating.  

you are emotionally cheating on your husband

he is emotionally cheating with another man's wife

and just why?? do you think the other guy's wife was so friggin jealous?  because this man has no concept of boundaries, and was probably cheating or flirting or who knows what that resulted in her jealousy.  there is no smoke without fire.

the bottom line is this:

this other man has better (more charming) relationship skills than your husband.  but other than that, he has nothing further to offer you.  you can get just as much emotional support and fun with your girlfriends and current husband.

you will live to regret this, and your child will never forgive you.

your poor husband....you don't deserve him.  he's too good for you.

Answer 7

from the start you sound sad about your present situation.  i know and understand how things real work out, which can be not the way you've dreamed of.  our hearts have abandoned the hope for lasting love and happiness however those things are determined.  i wish i could say something that is magical or able to make you feel better with words, but i can't.  i know disappointment, i know longing for something more, not just better but different and more self fulfilling.  personally, i think you're a remarkable woman, entitled to be loved and adored, lets hope that someday, the things that are lacking in your heart can be fulfilled and you'll feel young and desired the way you were meant to be.

Answer 8

Well I can definitely feel for you !! I think I would talk to the husband and tell him what you need and what he's not giving you and give him a chance to take action. If he continues to sit on his but about it then I don't see why you shouldn't be happy. Girl please do a lot of praying first!

My prayers are with you.

Answer 9

first of all you need to sit down and see do you really love your husband? are there things both of you can work out?and i mean both of you,not just you or him?! than ask,do u really want to work out those things with him? think everything about your husband,take a peace of paper and write all the plusses and all the minuses about him,if you get more minuses see if you can turn them into pluses by that i mean working that negative thing with him into a positive.Im not even talking about your long term crush right now.straight out the problem about your marriage would be the first step.if you get mostly no's to those questions,maybe it would be the best to leave.do it,and u will see it will help you solve your problem a little bit.im talking about thinking over everything before taking actions.

good luck to you,i hope things get good in your life

Answer 10

For better or worse, you committed to your husband for life. And many others have had a similar experience and found out, in face, that the grass is NOT greener on the other side, even though it seems like it should be.

I would tread very slowly in making big changes, and think about your child. You need to make a list of pros and cons of staying or going, and whether you want to move back to your home state for you, even if OG (other guy) is not in the picture. If you would only be leaving your life for other guy then I would urge you not to do it. If things don't work out with OG then you would be seriously stuck.

I empathize with you because I have had such feelings and a similar friendship, but I have not taken the leap because it would leave such devastation in its path (and things are really great with my husband I would not leave him under any circumstances.)

If losing your husband would kill you or even break your heart, don't do it.

Answer 11

Honey, this is the only life you have so make the most of it!  It sounds like you are unhappy in your marriage and a little unsure about leaving him.  Make your reasons for leaving him yours.  What I mean is don't leave him for another man take time for yourself and your daughter and if you start seeing the other guy take it slow.  Oh is the other guy still married to the jealous woman?  

Answer 12

Be careful.  You might spend the energy repairing your relationship before you give it up.  The grass is always greener on the other side, but there's still  the same bullsh*t on the other side.  Keep him as a friend, and repair your relationship first.  Or, at least try.  Never leave a stone unturned.  Then if you need to walk away, you can do it guilt free.