It all started about my sophmore year in high school. I used to be very energetic, not afraid to talk to anybody, had a bunch of friends, a lot of girls liked me and wanted to date me, i was my funny happy talkative self and hung out all the time and didnt care about anything really. just talking in front of class. i was myself. then i started to think about everything when my life friend didnt want to hang out with the kids we did the previous year. i was dumb and said alright i guess. biggggg mistake. since then my life started to change. my friend was pretty negative and got me thinking really negative about everybody. however, i was still wayy more myself then than i am now. slowly i made my way into a depression and i started getting more curious about drugs. one of my older firends a girl was into them. in my summer after sophmore year i got bored with weed after trying a couple times and moved up to ecstasy really fast. during this time i was also feeling kind of crazy too. probably just frustration. anyway. my anxiety slowly progressed and progressed through my junior year. however i got out of my depression sometime in junior year. although my anxiety was still rising. as my anxiety rose, feelings of self confidence went down, i was more anxious to talk to people, i found myself inferior, i got more nervous and it was harder to make new friends. i also began to slowly say less out of fear of saying somehting stupid. senior year was better and i was out of my depression for sure and i totally wanted to try to make new friends and be more talkative like i used to. i did make some new friends but i still wasnt being myself really. i was still quiet and i knew thats how people viewed me. which wasnt a total bad thing but still made me sad that these people dont even really know me :( and i became so closed up somehow when i used to be such a social guy. i absolutely loved being social. anyway its cool i met some new people and even though i tried to make it seem nothing was wrong (which couldve been some of my old self seeping through- throwing in jokes here and there, and trying to hold up a conversation or try tnot to make things so awkward) it was a pretty good effort but i still wasnt really happy. plus most of the friends i made were the ones that were really extroverts, or nice people that still liked me and apparently saw nothing wrong(maybe my act fooled them who knows) but i also made some new ones on my own that werent these but not as much. i also had a bunch of friends at the other high school that i had made during my social years at middle school and freshman year. (i made tons of friends every year i was social). everytime i saw these people they would be excited to see me and gave me great greetings wherever i was but i started to lose some respect everytime they saw me because i wasnt the person they expected. they still liked me though but i dont know about all of them.. anyway now it is the last week of summer befor i go off to college. i have not gotten any better and i am anxious more now than ever. it is so terrible. im even starting to get anxious with what to say with my own family!!!! what is up with that!! i just started meditating but i dont know if thats going really cure me. anyway . i want my personality back!!!! i dont want to go into college being so anxious and avoidant. i need to cure this. any tips? ive looked at avoidant personality disoreder but im not conviced its this although i have some of the symptoms. it just seems too extreme. im not avoiding hanging out i want to try to get better and i think hanging out more will help me. maybe social phobia? or overfoucsed anxiety? i also seem to have some symptoms of add . i dont know if thats related. i also , not to sound cocky at all or anything(please im so sorry i come off as it im not) i think i think alot, maybe like above average. i also used to be very creative all my life and stuff. and in case anybodys thinking im pretty sure i dont have schizophrenia haha im not paranoid and i dont hallucinate or hear voices and im not delusional. (sometimes when i say creative some people might jump to something like that. anyway im so sorry this is so long. i guess i needed to vent somehow. also lately i think ive become a very mild othorexic which means im unhelathily obsessed with eating only healthy foods(organic, not preservatives, nor artificial colors.. etc ) im not eating very healthily as im not ating enough. im worried about my heart. by the way this obsession came into my life after my third and last time doing ecstasy where it damged my nervous system somehow and i have muscle spasms now. it scared me and now im trying to helo my body out which im probably not i am pretty sure this didnt cause my anxiety because i did ecstasy because of my negative thinking. could my diet be making this problem worse? what is my problem? how can i try to quickly solve this problem or at least help me to get on the right track again? no matter how hard i try i cant seem to get out of this negative thinking rut i have. it could help that i dont have a fallback on popularity as i dont have the one i used to have. anyway please help identify my disorder or problem and/or give me advice or reccomendations of herbs or supplements. (i already take omega 3) or advice on techniques how to get out of thinking ruts or things to help me relax. anything! sorry i talk so much! okay bye. thanks for everything
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