Whats wrong with this sentence????

Question

The first evidence of cats being domesticated animals kept by humans was found in Egypt. An Egyptian official who oversaw large government grain storehouses was apparently the first to use cats to control rats and mice.

Answer 1

domesticated MEANS kept by humans, so you don't need it twice

consider writing in the active voice rather than passive

Answer 2

The use of cats to control rat and mouse populations in large Egyptian grain storehouses was the first evidence found of cats becoming domesticated.

Answer 3

it needs more and a couple of punctuation parks but it sounds really interesting