When I say the needs of my husband/marriage come before the needs of my children, why.................... ?

Question

.........do some people say and that they "feel sorry for my children." My children are loved more than life. I would die for any one of them. They have never been or felt neglected......actually they would probably prefer me to back away a bit more and not be so overprotective.

So I sincerely do not understand........How can anyone put the "needs" (wants) of your children before the "needs" (wants) of your marriage/husband and maintain a healthy, happy marriage? I really do not get that. What does this mean when someone says that their children come before their husband/marriage? In what way? Is your marriage not as important as your children are?

Please be nice. I would sincerely like an example of how you put the needs of your children first and I am even more curious as to why the needs of your marriage are less important.

Thank you.

Answer 1

First, I really can't believe that people would claim that putting your children first means your marriage isn't as good or won't last.  I think that's a ridiculous statement.

Second, I think that there's a huge distinction between wants and needs.  Humans need air, food, water and love,  everything else is a want.  So, if it came down to choosing between those things for either my child or my husband, yes, I would choose my child first.  Sometimes I even put my daughter's wants in front of mine - but I let my husband make that decision for himself as well.  That does not mean that my marriage suffers in any way.  Putting the needs (or even wants) of our child first doesn't mean we can't have what we need or want - it just means we can't have it right now.

It would bother me if my husband put me before our daughter and I would lose respect for him, and he feels the same.  So, in fact, putting our child first makes our marriage better because we both believe it's important.  It doesn't mean that we don't make sure the needs of our marriage are met, it might mean that they have to be temporarily postponed while we tend to the needs of our child. For us, that's what being parents is all about - as long as both parties feel that way, there's no hard feelings and no one feels that they are being left out - and therefore our relationship doesn't suffer.

I can give you an example of when putting your relationship first results in bad feelings for your children though - my mother used to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with us kids. Then she decided that her relationship was more important and started spending it with her husband instead.  Granted, all of us kids are adults now, but every time she turns us down when we invite her for a family Christmas or Thanksgiving, it stings.  We only ask her to come twice a year, and even then she has to put her relationship first.  It has really destroyed her relationship with all of her children.  Maybe it's because of my experience, but I really don't want to be that kind of parent.  I am not willing to sacrifice the relationship with my child to keep the relationship with my husband.  If we can't balance the two, we're not doing it right.  It's an extreme example, but your question is very black and white.  I don't think it has to be that way, I think there's always a middle ground.

Answer 2

I don't have children yet, but I have thought about this many times. I am married, and have been for 3 years. I will always put my husband and relationship first. I believe a solid relationship with eachother is important to raising a child. If a husband and wife are at ends, then it will make raising a child all the more difficult. Relationship first, then the children's needs will be fulfilled through this.

Answer 3

I was just in Barnes and Nobles the other day, and flipped through a book called, "The Seven Biggest Mistakes Good Parents Make". Me, being 22 weeks preggo and craving any advice I can get, read through the title of each chapter. Each title of a chapter represented each mistake. Well, one of the chapters was called, 'Mistake #2, Putting your children BEFORE your marriage/relationship with your partner'. You have me wishing I bought this book! I read the first paragraph of this chapter and it was talking about how one of the keys to giving your children a good environment to grow up in is to have and maintain a loving and healthy relationship with your spouse. It also said that relationships tend to fall apart once you put your spouse 'on the back burner'. And children always sense this tension and get hurt in the long run.

Sorry I can't be more help. I just wanted to share this with you.

Answer 4

I agree with you 100% and I constantly gets thumbs down for expressing the same view point.

The best thing I can do for my children is to provide a loving home with their mother.  They are better off having both parents at home working together to raise them than to have one parent who is doing "his best" (or her best).

If the marriage suffers, the children suffer.  It's that simple.

Answer 5

To be honest I think either side can go to extremes.  I don't believe saying "the needs of the children come before the needs of the marriage" says you have a weak or unsuccessful marriage..just like the reverse doesn't mean you have one either.  The important thing to remember is that you chose to have children and with that means you should do what is best for them even if it means it isn't best for the marriage.  If you have a strong marriage making those destinctions won't mean you sacrafice or endanger your relationship with your husband..I will give you and example.

My husband is and Army soldier.  He is being stationed in Korea for a year but we have an option to get sponsorship to go to Korea and extend the tour.  The sponsorship takes 6 months typically to get.  That means my children would attend a school in the US then move whenever the military deems so and change schools.  They have changed schools several times.  We felt it would be better for our children to go to the base where he will be stationed after his tour in Korea to give them 2-3 years at the same base rather than uprooting them to Korea.  While my husband and I would love the ability to be with each other as he just got back from deployment,  The needs of our kids stability is first and formost important.  This does not mean that either of us take our marriage less seriously nor does it mean that we have a weak marriage.  To be honest it is quite the contrary.  Like I said both sides can take things to the extreme.

Answer 6

In my relationship, our trust & respect for each other is strong enough that we would, honestly, feel less respect for the other if that one felt that their own personal needs or wants were more important than our responsibility towards our children.  

So, in our relationship, caring for the children, together, actually brings us closer to each other, makes our relationship stronger.   That is a responsibility that we took on together and that we both trust the other to be taking as seriously and as joyously as we are doing ourselves.  

Our needs -and- wants as a couple include raising a healthy happy family.  And, we share the same parenting philosophy that children thrive on huge amounts of parental involvement & connection time.  

So, I suppose it could be said that we are meeting the needs of our relationship when we put our children's needs first.  

We're adults.  We can take care of ourselves.  It sure is nice having each other around for support, though.  

Our children, though, are dependent on us.  Sure, sometimes, they are dependent on us teaching them how to safely & politely become independent, but, still, ultimately, we are responsible for guiding them to that place.  We take our responsibilities very seriously.  That's one of the things we each love about the other.

Answer 7

The children always come first. Your husband is grown and can take of himself. Children can not take care of themselves and thus their needs need to come first. We as parents gave these children birth and took on the responsibilty to put them first in our lives. My husband I have discussed this very subject recently and we are on the same page. Kids come first.

Answer 8

Hi Zaza,

I am a husband and father of five, mum should put needs of kids before husband but make time for husband.

Husband should also be involved in putting needs of kids before wife.

Yes myself and the wife get quality time alone, this is done when kids go to bed or to clubs etc.

Its about balance, but it is also about self appraisal you need to feel good on the inside about you and your strengths as does your husband if you looking to each for constant affirmation or outside of the marriage for affirmation step back from it.

Your marriage is important, the kids have one crack at childhood, you and your husband should be working together to put the kids first and sharing that joy.

Answer 9

OK I read all of your other answers and nobody has mine, so here goes.

I do think that you should put your marriage first in order to preserve the family unit and have a healthy environment for your kids.

You do mention that this is your second marriage.  I do strongly feel that if your children are from your first marriage you are obligated to put them first.  They are vulnerable and dependent upon you.  I was a child from a first marriage that had an abusive stepfather.  I really resent the fact that my mother put him first.  We don't have much of a relationship because of it, in fact none of my siblings do.  Should it come down to your current husband being abusive to your children from a prior marriage I sincerely hope that you put your children first.  More than anything I hope that you no longer have an abusive husband and don't have to deal with that sh-t anymore.  If your children are from your current husband, then this scenario doesn't apply, but just consider where I am coming from OK?

Answer 10

I have a hard time comprehending how someone can say that their husband comes before their child.  No offense to anyone.  They are both equally important to me, in different ways.  My relationship with my husband is important for the benefit of my children, among other things.  The "if I had to choose" question drives me crazy.  I love my husband and he is equally as important as my children are.  But, if I had the chance to save 1 life in a horrible situation, it would be that of my child, not my husband (and I would hope that my husband would do the same).

Answer 11

Can I get an AMEN?!  :)  I'm with you here.  My children are loved and adored and I would give them the world.  The will never go without love, affection, attention, food, shelter or trust.  They both know my husband and I would lay down our own lives for their sake.  It's not even a question or doubt in their mind of how much I love them.

I cannot understand either how putting the needs of your marriage first is wrong or how someone can say they "feel sorry" for our children.  Personally I think anyone who puts their children before all have more tension in the home.  If you don't have a happy, solid marriage then how do you expect to raise children who are secure in knowing that  not only do their parents love them but they love each other enough to work at their marriage to keep it that way?

My children are important but when homes are broken and marriages are bad, you are neglecting to think of how that affects the children.  You have to work at a good marriage.  Point blank.  When all is right between you and your spouse, you can expect your children to be the happiest they've ever been.  And you don't get a marriage that solid without putting your spouse first.  Over all I see it as better for the children if the marriage comes first.  Again I say a happy marriage equals a happy family and happy children.

Anyone who says husbands can come and go but your children will always loves you....I can't believe that.  If your marriage is not so strong that you have to say husbands come and go and they might leave are the ones I really have a sadness for.  This means they don't have the solid relationship needed for a strong marriage.  And children will not love you forever if you don't have a happy marriage.  Loving and respecting your spouse speaks volumes to children.

Great question and Carriehas5 said it wonderfully!  I'll star this one :)

Answer 12

A child is helpless and dependent on parents to attend to his needs. I think when some pp say they put the needs of their child 1st, it's bcos it's the parents natural protective instinct to attend to the child. Its both parents wish (at least in my case) to put our kids needs first. It does not mean our marriage is less important. And having those principles, our marriage is strengthen as we work as a team.  Never once have we been seperated from our small child for even a night. He goes wherever we go. We love to experience every little bits of our life with him and we have grown extremely close.

Answer 13

You ask:

"How can anyone put the "needs" (wants) of your children before the "needs" (wants) of your marriage/husband and maintain a healthy, happy marriage? "

The answer is, they can't,  They will never have the kind of marriage those of us have who put our marriage first and EXPECT it to last this whole lifetime.  Most of those people are willing to give up their marriage at the first sign of trouble instead of working it out.  Sadly, they will never have healthy, happy marriage.

I'm not sure a mother's love for her children and a wife's love for her husband (IF she's a good one) are even measure -able.  I know I can not compare the two.  All I can say is my husband is before my children.

I think the reason many people can not see why we would do this is because they do not have the same relationship with their spouse (if they even have one) as I do. Their relationships aren't built on trust and closeness, obviously. Another reason is because many parents have an almost "worship" type love for their children . I have this worship for God and I don't put my children above Him, either.

My husband and I are going to be married until the day one of us dies. There is absolutely NO question to that. I know this because God is the backbone to our marriage and HE never fails. He will keep our marriage as long as we allow him to and as long as we put Him first, and each other second ONLY to him..

Answer 14

Zaza,

          You actually have a great perspective, while you love your children more than life itself, your focus has to stay on your marriage and husband.  As long as you do not neglect your children, it is perfectly healthy to protect your marriage.  If not, once the children grow and move away, you are left with "empty nest syndrome."  This can actually cause serious pain down the road, since once they are gone, the focus of your life for the past 18+ years is now gone, and you have to learn how to be married all over again.  Zaza, love your kids, Cherish that marriage.  I know this doesn't answer what you actually asked, since you asked to be proven wrong, but I sincerely, and wholeheartedly agree with you.

Answer 15

My husband and I both agree, care for the kids first.  Having two parents in our kids lives, as a couple, is important for that, so we take time to have a healthy marriage, usually while my sister or his parents babysit.

Answer 16

Personally I think that the ones saying that (to you), are the ones that don't have strong, healthy marriages. Simple as that. I don't exactly understand "putting the kids first" to begin with. I suppose thats saying, serve the child their plate first, or sleep with the child instead of the husband (selective co-sleeping..kind of thing). Other than that kind of stuff...I don't know how or why someone would put their child before their husband anyways. In my opinion anyone that's doing that.....is only putting a void in the marriage.

I of course understand if someone means saftey/well being. If the husband is violent ect...then yea by all means put the child first and get out. I don't think thats what people are meaning though.

Answer 17

My parents used to tell my sister and I that they would pick each other over my sister and I any day...and it was their way of making a strong marriage and teaching us how important marriage is.  I agree with you and being a grown woman who grew up in that sort of environment I think that the marriage should come before the children.  It makes the parents have a unified front and act as a team when facing challenges that come along.  

Congrats to you for being a great example to your kids.

Answer 18

A mother's love for her child is uncomparable to anything else in this world. I love my husband dearly but if it came time to choose between him or my baby I'd choose my baby every single time. Fortunately it's not that way and I'm able to balance both the love for my baby and the love for my husband equally. They are just different kinds of love.