When & What age to tell your child they are adopted.?

Question

Everyone has their opinions and I was just curious as to when everyone thinks is the best time to tell your child that they are adopted. I would really love to hear your stories as to how you told your child and how the reaction was.

Answer 1

Hi, I am adopted and I have gotten asked this question before..my answer is that I have no memory of ever not knowing that I was adopted,so I guess my parents have told me from the beginning,I do not ever remember a special talk letting me know,I have just always known.My opinion is that this was definately the right way to do it,I have never had to have the shock of finding out when I was older,and thank goodness for that,I had enough anger issues when I was a teenager,I did not need that one added to it..I can't imagine how that would have played out:)   :)

Answer 2

from the second they get home, i always knew no one sat me down and told me or my 5 siblings no secrets it was right out there and it was great we were proud of it as you should be, keeping it a secret implies there is something wrong or shameful about it , adopted=chosen=wanted=gift=happy

Answer 3

Tell them the moment you bring them home. Even if they're newborns. I always have known I was adopted, just like I've always known I was a girl. I wouldn't have wanted it any other way!  

Answer 4

The first day you bring them home!!!  Even if the adoptee is a baby, start telling the child so you will have years of practice to refine and hone the story-telling.  And the adoptee can begin to assimilate the information slowly and when he or she is ready to understand.  

Answer 5

I grew in an egg

Answer 6

The earlier the better. I was told at 4 years old. That is when I started asking questions.

Answer 7

Very early on a child should know they did not grow in "Mommy's" tummy but grew in her heart.

Answer 8

My adopters never told me.

I found out when my uncle Bill had a little too much to drink at the family reunion a couple years ago, and decided to let it slip.

Needless to say, I have not spoken to my adopters in a very long time.

If you value your relationship with your adopted children, be honest with them.  Lies can only do damage.

Answer 9

well my aunt told my cousin since she was 2/3 and used to tell her bed time stories of when she brang her home and how small she was and so on so it was sort of like she always knew how she got there but my cousin never wanted to find her real mum because she gave her away and why should she when her a.mum raised her like a real mother should so it doesnt matter to her because my aunt is her real mum in her heart  

Answer 10

you don't have to tell them like your on Dr. Phil or something.........

just kind of nonchalauntley tell your kid when you bring them home that they're adopted.......

if you get them when they're a baby, you should tell them when they know what it means......

but again, don't make it all serious

Answer 11

I would tell them at age 5

because they are old enough to understand

If you tell them too late they will be VERy mad for not telling them sooner

Answer 12

They should be told from the moment you bring them home

Answer 13

I've been telling my daughter ever since I adopted her.  She was just a baby, but I always talked to her about being adopted and about traveling to get her, and what it was like in her birth country, how much I wanted her and couldn't wait to become a mom.  She's 3 and a half now, and I'm waiting for her to get a little older to talk to her about the fact that she has a birth mom.  I think that might be a little over her head right now, and of course she doesn't have any memory ofher, since she left her when she was one day old.  So far I've ;just been expanding on telling her how she was adopted little by little.  Right now she tells people about it.  She knows her birth city and country.  She knows her Kazakh name as well as her american name.  She knows every detail of my trip to get her, and how I had to go to court and ask the judge for permission to adopt her.  In short, she knows a 3-year-old's version of her adoption.  Little by little I add more layers of information,  as time goes by.  I also make sure she meets other adopted kids, and especially kids from her country, and kids who were adopted by single moms.  

Answer 14

Probably when they ask where babies come from

Say something like, "well, babies come from mommy's tummies, just like you came from your other mommy's tummy."

And then they'll probably ask, "what? I have another mommy??"

And then go on from there.

Answer 15

Well my husband and I have adopted twice and they both know that they are adopted. We adopted our daughter (Meiling) from China when she was 1 year old. Since we brought her home, we have kept in contact with her mom. Her mom lives in China and took care of her until she was 1, but she couldn't continue to take care of her because she was so young. Her mom was only 15 years old and was trying hr best to take care of her, but when her mom died she had NO help at ALL, and needed to put her up for adoption. So ever since we brought her home we have told her that she has two mommies. She completely understands and she talks to her mom on the phone every Sunday. Meiling is now 5 years old and she knows that she is adopted. We have pictures of her mom and her grandma all over the house as well as our other adopted daughter's mom and dad. We adopted our other daughter (Gita) from India when she was 2. Gita was put up for adoption because her parent's couldn't afford her any more. So sadly they had to give up their 3 children up for adoption. We wanted to adopt all three, but they would not let us. So we also have told Gita that she is adopted and she also talks to her mom and dad every Sunday. We make sure that they know about their families and about their culture.

Answer 16

I think it would be best if you told  them right of the bat. Because well if it would happen to me i would like to be told from the beginning. I do not like to be lied to.  

Answer 17

i always knew that i was adopted.  for as long as i can remember my parents told me.  i am happy they did!

Answer 18

I was adopted when I was 2. I have always been with my parents since i was 2 weeks old. My parents were foster parents. They had 4 children of their own. My family NEVER hid it from me but they NEVER smeared it in my face either. If I had any questions they would answer them the best they could. I would feal very betrayed if they would have lied to me. I try to tell people that I know who has adopted a child to be honest as soon as the child can understand. It will not in any way shape or form change your relationship with  your child. Just tell them that they are VERY special and they chose you to be their daughter/son. I have nothing but respect for my parents. I could never thank them enough for all they have done for me & for all the unconditional love they have given me over all my years to this day they are my best friends. I do thank my biological mother for not choosing abortion and giving me life. I don't have hate for her I have contacted her when I was 25 and I chose for myself that I didn't want her in my life. So to make a long boring story short...LOL  Be honest with your children. Especially about adoption. They will have questions that's only natural. Don't get offended Its just your child trying to digest all the information.  

Answer 19

You should tell them from the beginning.  Every kid will ask where they are from.  Biological kids are told "from Mommy's tummy".  I was told from "Mommy's heart".  As an adoptee I can't remember a time not knowing I was adopted.  My parents answered my questions in age appropriate answers.  If I was old enough to ask, I got an answer.  I learned how my parents went through the process of adopting me.  My Mom told me she didn't know why my bio-mom placed me but she was sure that she loved me.  It was never made to be a secret or something that only certain people should know.  My husband and I are now in the process of adopting and we plan for our child to always know as well.

Answer 20

my brother and his wife adopted my niece from birth.   They were well known in their community and when my niece was 4-6 other peoples children started to tell her she was adopted but she really didn't know what that meant.  they waited until she was 10 or 11 and had some understanding that they loved and cared for her and would always do so. they also offered to tell her what she wanted to know about her birth mother ( as much as they knew)  but she didn't really start asking questions until she was a teenager. she is now 21 and has made no attempt to contact her birth mother or siblings.

Answer 21

Let me answer that question with another question...

When & what age to tell your child the bleeding obvious?  

I mean... it's not as if the child wasn't there when the switcheroo took place.  It seems to me that any adopter who doesn't talk about it from the get-go is setting up an atmosphere of mistrust.

ETA:  Included in those (hopefully) many conversations, it is also important that you tell the child you are sorry that s/he lost his/her mother, that it must hurt very much, but you will be there for him/her always.

ETA:  I just had to respond to this...

"I... always talked to her about being adopted and about traveling to get her, and what it was like in her birth country, how much I wanted her and couldn't wait to become a mom. ... She knows every detail of my trip to get her, and how I had to go to court and ask the judge for permission to adopt her. ..."

It seems to me that this is YOUR story about acquiring a child - ANY child - from that country.  I do not see any part of this that is this child's unique story.  And she does remember her mother.  It is just not in her conscious memory, but it is there, affecting her.  She was with her mother for 9 months - not just a day.