When a child is adopted during infancy, when do you think the first...?

Question

feeling of abandonment comes in?

Not the feeling of what's this new family- where am I now- but the actual feeling of abandonment-- why did my natural family place me in adoption-leave me, etc.,-- abandonment?

Answer 1

My cousin is adopted, she is 10 now.  My aunt and uncle let her know that she was not their biological child, but no matter what they love her with all her heart.  My aunt and uncle's situation was a distant cousin of ours got pregnant at 15, and she couldn't raise the baby, my cousin.  My Aunt told her that if she ever wanted to know who her biological mother is, she would tell her...she doesn't want to know.  My aunt explained to her that her biological mother was too young, and couldn't give her a good home, and that she loved her so much, she wanted her to have a family that could give her the world.  So, I think depending on the adoptive parents, and the way they handle the situation, there wont be a sense of abandonment.

Answer 2

Dear Kristy,

I think all babies know that they have been separated from the time of separation. Some may not remember it. Good for them! Some never get over it. Torturous for them. Some rediscover it. Painful for them as well.

IMO, once again, the individuality of the people and situations prevents a "general" answer. Adoption is NEVER "textbook".

Answer 3

It depends a lot on the adoptive parents, how they face the adoption questions, and how they explain it to him.  If for instance, they don't tell the child until he/she is 12 that they are adopted, the feelings are overwhelming.  If they know growing up that it's a part of life, and if their birth mom is revered by the family in a good way, the abandonment might not even seem like it is abandonment, but rather like a question of, "where did I come from", and "why was I given up?".  I've talked to several adult adoptees, one who I grew up with, and one an extended family member who I didn't meet until he was 48, and each of these were fine with their placements, although both did eventually want to meet their first parents.  In both families, the adoptive parents were loved very much.

Answer 4

I think it's once the child is born and taken away from its mother.  The baby knows its mother's voice, the way she walks, the way she smells, what she eats - and once that is taken away the sense of loss begins.

Babies KNOW.

Answer 5

I think it has to do with stages of development. A newborn may be able to sense that something is different and feel loss over it, but to say that a newborn's brain is developed enough to recognize the feeling of sadness as abandonment is a pretty far stretch. As a child reaches milestones and begins to have higher reasoning, I believe that is when they will begin to associate abandonment with their grief and loss.

My 3 year old is just beginning to understand that she has two mothers, and one of them she is not able to see. My son, however, is well aware of his abandonment at the age of 5.

As they pass thru various stages, they will understand it differently, and work thru it differently.

Answer 6

I don't remember NOT feeling it.

Answer 7

The only thing you can do is worry about what you tell your a-child.   First of all- should an a-parent tell their child they were abandoned or relinquished when they "truly" don't even know.

People in your case that haven't seen or spoken to the mother really don't know and that should be explained to the child, especially when the adoptions happen in countries like Guatemala. They have a right to that information.

I think when they find out that they were never abandoned and told differently, its going to only pile more adult baggage on to their trauma.

The bond between a child and their mother starts in the womb. Some children feel and sense the separation days  before the actual act happens. It just depends on the child's genetic makeup.

The only thing you can do is support the a-childs feelings and desires to be with his mother.

Answer 8

I would think, it would start hopefully that the a-parents have told them - as soon as the child is old enough to "comprehend" the fact that they are adopted.

Answer 9

The feeling of abandoment is created when they are told of the adoption.  If a child does not know they are adopted then they do not feel abandoment.  So the best way to handle the situation is to be honest with the child, talk to them about adoption while they are young and with age comes understanding.  Once my parents realized I understood the whole aspect of the adoption they stopped talking about the adoption unless I had questions.  They let me control what I wanted to know and when and I am grateful for this.  I feel if they would of came to me and talked to me about the adoption on a weekly basis or kept bringing it up that I would of been annoyed and questioned whether they loved me or not.  By giving me my space, I know they loved me.  I loved the fact that my mom said, now it is my (your) turn whenever I want to talk about it or know anything come  to them and ask.  I feel it helped me because I knew how much they loved me and I had very few abandoment issues.  

Actually the issues of abandoment did not really come to surface until I was going to meet my BP for the first time.

Answer 10

I think from birth. It's werid but when my son first met his son at 18 months old the child ran to him and you could see the bond. My son didn't have trouble picking him up unless the whata be adopted couple made a big deal of the child leaving for the weekend with his father.

   My son has had his child for over 19 days now and he never crys for the couple and never says he wants to go home he's just a happy little boy. I could never have left my child for this long and my child be happy. That's the 1st thing they said we have had him since 2 hours old- ok then why isn't he bonded the way natural children do.

  Watching all thing I beleive the child somehow knows from birth. Just like g*y people believe that they are born that way. Children know and feels the lost.

Answer 11

Personally i always felt it.. in the way that i always had the feeling i didn't belong with anyone and by the time i reached about 8 or 9 i then started wondering what I'd done for my real parents not to want me...I'm now 37 and it's never gone away, i just got older and learnt to rationalize it better x x

Answer 12

I've always had it....I guess since I was ripped from my mother's womb?

When my screams for her went unanswered, eventually  I went numb....but deep down that feeling is part of who I am now. There is no way to escape it. Even as an adult, reunited for 17 years and now a mother myself....

Answer 13

Sizesmith, it's not about the adoptive parents.  You need to get past that idea.  It's about being left by your first parents.  Children who have lousy parents still usually miss those parents when they're gone (taken away?).  The feeling of abandonment isn't something you can hug away.  It's there BECAUSE THE CHILD WAS ABANDONED.