When a spouse says no more children?

Question

Does that really mean that you're done having children? I would love to have four, my husband on the other hand wants to have two than we'll see how it goes. That really hurts me and I think it reflects that I wasn't a good mother to have more. (We are trying for baby #2) So I brought up the idea of having two than taking a 3-4 year break than two more. He always says we'll see. And this bothers me tremendously!!! Do other husbands do this? Thanks!!!

Answer 1

Here's a husband that has been there.  Story:

When my wife and I dated, we agreed that we would have two children when we married, wanting one of each.  We had a girl first and a boy 21 months later.  But after having the second child, she started talking about a third child.  She would often say this in front of, or to, her girlfriends or others that would say that we should have another.  By the way, none of these people had three children.  I didn't think it was their business and my response, over time, became, "Do you want to raise it?"

I dearly love the kids I have, but I had definite reasons that I didn't want more.  I don't know your age, but we married in our early thirties and I didn't want to raise children up to the time I retired.  I also wanted to be able to provide for all of the children which includes sending them to college which is about $80,000 per child right now.  I also wanted to be young and healthy enough to do activities with my kids.  My dad was older and didn't do a lot with me.  Additionally, it is a four person world.  Unless you buy a mini-van or mini-bus, vehicles are pretty much for four people.  When you are seated at a restaurant, those with four or less are more easily seated.  Hotel rooms usually have two double beds.  And it goes on.  One additional reason for not having a third child is that she would probably be bed-ridden to carry a third child because of the delivery of our second.  Her maternal instinct may have been more than her body could handle.

I can also tell you that two children is quite a bit more difficult than one and you should see how handling two is compared to one before planning more.  "Wait and see" sounds like a good response.  It isn't a definite no.  

Being a good mother is a function of how well you care for the children you have rather than how many you have.  

Answer 2

- no katie.. its not all,

- May be, u got to get a better picture

- read his mind rather than all this..  

Answer 3

you want 4, he wants 2.

meet half way.  have 3.  

Answer 4

Maybe your husband feel that 2 children's will be enough, and he is thinking can your afford more then 2 kids.

Answer 5

Ok, it is not about you.  It is about him.  I do not know if you talked to him in more detail about it or just asked us strangers.  It could be financially, maybe he would rather give alot to two kids then a little to four kids.  His age is a factor.  in twenty years from the last one how old will he be.  

Answer 6

your hubby is probably thinking about finances and securing a good feature for the kids . whereas to we women ,yes we think also about that but we are more lenient on that issue . having less kids doesnt mean you re not a good enough mother .  and also he said we will see .  my hubby and i personnally agreed on two kids , no more , no less though we would like some more but we feel we rather have only two and secure them a really good, set future than more that we couldnt afford .  it is all on a budget for us . also we would like to retire early and we sure dont want to be changing diapers then . hope you guys come to an understanding  

Answer 7

In today's economy, having two would be plenty, but that is your choice. The amount of children doesn't reflect weather you are a good mother or not. A good mother makes sure their children have what they need ( not what they want) and teach them morals, manners, forgiveness, and most importantly love. If you have the money to take care of them, have 10, that is your business.    

Answer 8

Have the second one en if u want another one as far as ur with him get pregenet as far as finacially stable

Answer 9

respect his wishes... :D

Answer 10

Yeah, Its the opposite with me though, its my man that wants more. I do too but I change my mind sometimes as to how many more and as to when is the best time. Its ALL about compromise,  you said you are trying for baby 2, well really get to baby 2 first! You husband is probably thinking more about the practical side, the extra expense , any extra strain on you and the other kids. Its not as if he said definitely no more! My man really wants more and we have 5 already! I dont feel finished but I find myself saying to him "we will see" because I have loads of stuff that I want for all of us first! I want to spend more time with the older kids, I want to take tham all on a big holiday, We need to buy a bigger house! the  list is endless! It just sounds like your hubby is trying to think of the immediete future first which is not unreasonable!

Answer 11

should sit down and talk about it,before u have anymore,if he can't meet u half way then don't even have anymore kids from him,u at least should full feel urself,u the are the one.

Answer 12

Katie

my husband has been telling me for years that we are done having kids.. we only have 1.. I finally had to tell him that telling me no only makes me want them even more .. so we leave it as if it happens it happens.. BUT I did ask him why he is stuck on no more kids and his response was

"Our son is old enough to just pick up and go now , we don't have to worry about packing a diaper bag and brining the kitchen sink and hope he is good. We no longer have the expense of diapers, formula and daycare. We can finally start to afford nicer things and if we have another baby we have to start all over again with buying all the baby needs and back to square one with our finances that we have worked so hard to get to. "

after he said that to me it made me look at the having kids issue in a totally different light.. we can pick up and go.. we can go on vacations , we can go to six flags and not have to lug a stroller and someone sits out, we have lots more money.. our son now is 11 so by the time a new baby is that old our son now will be at least 22.. we have more time to enjoy our marriage and not just be mom and dad.

I do have the baby itch all the time but then I go through a store and hear someones screaming kids and that quickly scratches that itch..

don't get upset with him just look at both sides of the fence before making a decision. You don't have # 2 yet so play that out first.

Good Luck

Answer 13

Having 4 children will greatly diminish your quality of living. If you are wealthy and can maintain a quality of life, maybe 4 would do the trick. If not and he says 2 is the limit, he means it. It`s nothing to do with your being a bad Mother, unless you have your own reasons for feeling this way.

Answer 14

I think when he says no more he means no more.  My husband and I always agreed on two children, so we had two.  I would just tell him how you feel or ask him why he feels the way he does, maybe he is afraid of not being able to support them financially.  Best of luck!!

Answer 15

Ask yourself why it really bothers you so much? Are you mad because he is putting the breaks on it, and why do you feel like you have to have a certain number of kids? He is being honest with you about his feelings, yet you are taking it personal and saying it hurts you? You should respect his honesty and reach a compromise. Did he directly do, or say something that leads you to believe  he was hinting towards you not being a good Mother, or is that a part of your own insecurities and doubts? Maybe you should reflect on your current situation more, since you already have one baby, focus on him or her, your happiness, their happiness, and a solid marriage, instead of  putting a time frame on when you should have more kids.

Answer 16

I can understand you feeling upset because he wants less children than you do, but this really isn't something you should force him into.  You really do not want a father who doesn't want his kids -- trust me.  The youngest ones would be treated differently by him (even if it wasn't intentional) because deep down inside, he wouldn't really have wanted them in the first place.

That being said, why wasn't this something you discussed prior to marriage?  The number of children you intended on having is probably something you should have had the debate about prior to your vows.  Also, you've only had one child!  How do you know you're going to want 4?  After this 2nd one, you may completely change your mind.  Four kids may not seem like much but trust me, it is -- especially when they're close in age.  

Why not let it go for now?  Pressuring your husband into having more children isn't going to do anything right now -- you're not even pregnant with your 2nd yet.  Besides, who knows, you may even change YOUR mind after delivering #2.  Wait until after you've had the 2nd baby, and if you decide you still want another at that point, talk to him about it then.  Maybe he'll be willing to compromise and have three children?

Good luck

Answer 17

Holy c**p, does the fact that you finances with take a huge beating ever worry you? Does the fact that maybe your husband isnt crazy about having that many kids running around the house messing it up come to mind? Does the fact that he doesnt share your enthusiasm on having so many come to mind? Why do you think this is all about you? If your husband doesnt want 4 kids, then wow, what a tragedy huh? You already have enough, woman... Maybe he doesnt feel like working himself to death trying to support you. Maybe he doesnt feel like coming to home to screaming brats after a long hard day at work. Hes trying to plan for your future to make sure that you dont end up on welfare like so many others. Does financial independance and stability sound ok to you?

Answer 18

it has more to do with $ and responsibility than just counting numbers of kids.

having 2 kids isn't too bad, you can usually find someone to babysit and stuff.  but my friend with 5 kids, well she hasn't gone out with her husband for like 10 years.  or maybe more.....

financially it's really really hard.  the grocery bill.  you have to have a larger house with alot of kids.  stuff like that.

plus with the recession, you got to keep in mind that no job is promised to be secure, income levels could drop, gas and groceries continue to rise.

so i think he's smart, have the 2nd kid.  see how it goes.  hopefully all will be well, and in a couple years, see where you are financially and try for another one (or two).  

and just wait until child #2 comes along, you might find yourself so exhausted that you are ready to wait a little bit yourself.

Answer 19

Katie.

I would have thought you would know this female trait...

If he refuses, or wears condoms, get to make a baby with a work colleuge or good friend, and make your husband believe it is his....

I know a happy couple who had at least two kids like that AFTER the husband was sterilized...

She simply gathered all her freinds to convince the husband that it is quite possible to have babies even after a male sterifisation and he fell for it hook line and sinker...

Answer 20

You dont even have the scond one yet. Why dont you wait a while before you freak out over him not wanting 3 & 4.

Answer 21

Does FINANCIAL stability and responsiblity ever come to mind when you're counting how much kids you want?