When adopting teenagers, how do u avoid many of the pitfalls?(emotional baggage, rejection, etc)?

Question

Im adopting a p*****n biracial boy. He is currently lying, stealing, and depressed. When I get full custody of him, I know I will have my work cut out for me. How can I help him to feel loved, and point him in the direction he needs to go in so his past wont overshadow his future?

Answer 1

i think adopting a teenager is a challenge but i think you can do it but you must research first i know it sounds funny but when you are parenting you need to know what is best for teenagers like with my son here i often leave him to him self he likes to try his own way first of doing stuff first like on his history project he had to do last week he ended up using my idea. you see adopting a teen. But the get him in the right direction i think you should take him to a professional to help him to develope in to a good teenager and one that does not steal lie and the depressed part you can fix with love and support for him.

Answer 2

Make sure you get him into counseling. Other than that, all you can do is be there for him and let him know you love him. If you give your word on something, make sure to keep your word. He needs to learn to trust.

Answer 3

With older children an important thing is to start with a solid transition which would include being sure that he understands your house rules and boundaries of your household.

Some of the most frustrating early issues have to do with the fact the child has No clue what the expectations are--and has lived in other enviornments which had different expectations and rules.

Many families bringing an older child into their homes will spend time before or very early in placement talking about some of the most basic matters... Example: In the last home it may have been the rule to Brush teeth right after dinner because there were no after dinner treats---In your home you may want an evening meal--some homework time--A dish of ice cream and includ teeth brushing as something done right before bedtime...

Something this small can throw a kid off kilter--and the more little things that are "off" for him the more frustration that can build...  So... the early placement advice is to sit down together and discuss the House Rules (and have him take part in putting the rules together) Writing them down in a place both kids and parents can see them... While doing this activitiy you can learn a lot about each other and help the child understand your expectations as well as learn about his expectations...

During this time parents can use the words: "In This House" rather then personal words such as "We Expect" or "Kids in the Family"  Place the Words on the Household and not any cetain person....

During the early stages of placement the important thing is to Define and enforce the boundaries as it is easier to Relax them later then it is to tighten them later... This is one of the most difficult things as All You want to do is Buy them the Moon and it seems wrong to not allow much wiggle room right out the gate....

Talk with the adult he currently lives with and find out more about the behaviors--specifically what they are--what triggers them---what his typical reaction is when confronted...how he has been disciplned in the past... Not just What he does....

Other then that All the other advice here is GREAT!

Congratulations!!!!

*

Answer 4

The past will always be a part of him. Do the best you can and in time he will find his way. It may be hard for you, but realize it will be that much more harder for him.

Answer 5

Give him what he wants but not too much.You need to be firm in the beginning but more lenient in the later times.His life has been hard and he is counting on you to make it better.I am an adopted biracial girl but one thing that i learned is that counseling can help.Even if we adopted kids don't want it. I found that even though I didn't talk to my counselor I still felt better when she talked the whole time and absolutely after the Large Moolatte from Dairy Queen.The fact is it isn't the Big parts that make the difference it is all the little things that make you feel good.At times it  may feel like he hates you but eventually he will come around.Didn't threaten him also but

didn't let him get away with things that he knows aren't o.k.

Answer 6

Don't push him. he is a male they think they are on top of the world while they are teens. Give him space, but not to much. Make sure he knows he will have punishments if he does something wrong and don't let him think he can get away with it. Don't threaten him take action.

Answer 7

Definitely counseling. Then he has to bond and has to feel he can trust you. At that age most bond the most with others while doings things they enjoy. He's a boy does he like to fish you know things like that. By sharing things together he will start to relax and hopefully open up and start to really trust you. If he feels he can truly trust you he he may be more prone to feel he doesn't have to lie to you. When trust can grow so can love,. Which also may help some of the depression. Just my thoughts on a place to start. Good luck

Answer 8

My best friend, who I've known since high school, was adopted when she was 11. It was hard for her at first and in high school. The best advice I can give you is to stay true to him. Stand by him, support him, and give him the best you possible can. You might try finding a person who did similar things. See if this person can share with you and your son how their life has turned around, and the many cons of those "bad" behaviors.

Good luck!

Answer 9

It is very likely that your new son has not had a great deal of structure in his life up to this point.   Some things he will need to feel "safe" are regular routines, rules, and consistency.   This does NOT mean that you should be inflexible with him, but just that you establish a framework of daily routines, so he knows what to expect each day.    Regular bedtimes, meals, and time spent together will go a long way toward making him feel comfortable.

Obviously there will be times when he needs discipline, but it will be important to do this in a loving way.   Don't send him to his room when he misbehaves.   Keep him with you!   This will foster attachment between you and him.   Let's say you catch him in a lie.   Don't yell at him or appear angry.  Just say in a firm tone, "It is very important that you tell me the truth, so I can trust you to do more things.   Since you were not truthful this time, I can't let you play your video game this evening.  You can sit here with me and listen to music instead."

Try not to give him the opportunity to lie.  When questioning him, don't say "Did you spill this glass of juice on the floor?" which gives him the opportunity to say "No!"   Instead, say "You need to wipe up this juice that you spilled," calmly and firmly.   From this, he will learn that he can't get away with lying, but that you're not going to scream and be harsh if he does something wrong.   And when he DOES tell the truth in a difficult circumstance, reward him.  

Spend as much one-on-one time with him as you can.   It will take time, but he will begin to trust you, learn that he can be truthful, and the attachment will come.   It takes a long time with an older child, so be patient.  But when they finally allow you to win their heart, it is incredibly moving and rewarding!

Answer 10

My first thought is:  You don't avoid it.  You can't.  What you CAN do is support him through it, which it sounds like you're already getting plenty of practice with! :-)

My second thought was that there are a lot of good books out there:  Helping Children Cope With Separation and Loss; Beyond Consequences (you can go to the BCI web site and sign up for their daily parenting reflections, which are amazing soul-food for those who are parenting hurt children); Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew...and there are a few more that are just beyond my mental grasp (I'm at work, so maybe I can add to this when I get home, if I have time).

My third thought was to repeat what an earlier answerer said:  counseling.  It sounds like your soon-to-be son might need more than simple counseling, though.  Probably in-depth therapy with someone knowledgeable about adoption issues.  You can also look around in your area and see if there is a residential treatment program that has outpatient services, or when you find a therapist you like, you can ask if there are more in-depth services.

And, my final thought was that if you are adopting through the state, please look into getting a subsidy for your son.  It sounds like he's got some issues that will require a lot of therapy, which means a lot of money.  And even if you've got plenty of money, that subsidy can be used for other things involved with his care - or you can even put it in a savings account for him, if you find that you really don't need it.  But oftentimes, adoptive parents find that they are not able to afford their child's care after a few years, and I would hate to see that happen to you.

Good luck on your journey!