When adopting through foster care, should the goal be to lessen fearful behaviors?

Question

Whenever I read a bulletin for a child who has been abused or neglected, and is behaving "abnormally" because of it, I always see something about changing their behaviors, or something along those lines. That always sounds to me as though the interest is not in VALIDATING their very real pain, but itstead, the focus is on getting them to act the way they "should" so that the adults around them can be comfortable. That just sounds wrong to me.

I understand that it is a good thing if the behaviors are lessening due to validation, support, therapy, or whatever...but should that really be the GOAL? It seems to me that the goal should be a kid who feels validated, loved, accepted no matter what's going on, no matter how they act.

What are your thoughts?

Answer 1

Wundt - I am totally on board with you.

Answer 2

Gaia,

Many people can study parenting their entire life and still not develop "instincts" or "insight".  Look how many kids are screwed up because of bad therapists especially Psychologists.

I hope you end up with a bunch of kids from foster care because you will have such a positive impact in their life. Only if others  would open up their ears to what your explaining to them. I guess those that won't, look at it like its too much work or don't want to bother.

Answer 3

Great question!

I'm with SofiaKat (another Canadian here), we were given a lot of helpful information and tools to use regarding the children. Like she said, they did not mince words. These kids were in pain and as one caseworker said to me: they are broken and it is going to be your job as their parent to glue them back together, do you think you can do that?

I also felt a little uncomfortable when profile after profile listed everything from ADHD to ODD to FAS. One profile in particular said the child was defiant and often said no and made demands so they were on medication to modify their behaviour, but my husband said, how is that any different from any other kid? Many of these kids just seemed bratty? Does that justify medication? I don't know, perhaps there were deeper issues involved, but it does seem like we are a society that pops the pills simply because it's easier than getting to the painful and messy root of the problem. I also agree with other responders that while validating pain and emotions is very important especially when developing trust, it does not mean that we should validate the behaviour and allow them to act out their pain in inappropriate ways. I don't believe we'd be doing them any favours as the world outside their home will not be so understanding.

Answer 4

The more I read about adoption in the USA, the more I am glad that I am a Canadian.

My experience has been so different from that! We were told the truth during our adoption classes and we were also given resourses to help the children that may be coming into our homes. We were told that every child in foster care is grieving and that every child will behave in various forms that express their grief: from rubbing p**p on walls, to hurting animals, to not bonding, to trying to be the perfect child so someone will keep them. Then we were taught different techniques to help the child thru the grieving. We were not taught to just get rid of the behaviour. It is amazing how non-child centered the adoption system seems to be in the U.S as according to most of the information I have garnered on a lot of these posts. No wonder people are angry. I would certianly discuss your concerns loudly with your adoption worker. These things should be addressed.

Answer 5

In my view, I believe that correcting to "normal" behaviors means to help them learn differences between right and wrong, give them the confidence to realize that what has happened to them is in no way their fault, and to help them learn that some things are just not acceptable to do to others, even if it has happened to them.  I also know that some of the behaviors that they exhibit, such as some will touch their genitals inappropriately, or touch others, and some cuss and yell when in "normal" (if there ever was such a thing as normal) situations, cussing and yelling can be taken quite offensively.

Some behaviors, such as slamming a bedroom door and being by themselves, doesn't need to change as long as that don't affect their future ability to blend into normal situations, or their ability to meet and keep friends, or just to be accepted by the general public.  Even though in my home, with my present family, we don't think it's acceptable to slam a door, I wouldn't change a foster child who's life might have been protected from danger if they got away to a room that they could slam and lock the door.  Foster parenting should be like "normal" parenting, with the fact is, we want our child to be the best they can be, that we give them the confidence to deal with situations, like saying NO to drugs, sexual abuse, etc.  Kids get so programmed into their minds of what their "normal" has been in the past, and they don't realize that it isn't "normal" to the general public.  

We have a saying in my family when someone has screwed up (like one member who got drunk at a party and was yelling at them at the moment).  We say we love them, but we don't like them or their behavior right now.  We also don't yell and fight.  My oldest son and I sometimes agree to disagree.  Since it is my home, he can't do certain things in it, because I don't like it.  He has to respect it, even if he believes that it isn't hurtful to anyone nor wrong at all (video games that are violent are our pet peeves).  All kids should feel loved, validated, accepted, and forgiven for their past, as long as they try to do better in the future.  Also, the bulletins I've seen on foster children are very simply, without giving out diagnosis or medical information, is being so generic about counseling, and the words "long term counseling" .  They can't put down on the forms that the child is severely sexually abusive towards little babies, and that they cuss and suffer from manic depression, as that would be considered a violation of their rights.  Instead, they are labeled as "with long term care XYZ should benefit".   (this is an extreme example)  The goals of counselors, foster parents, and good parents in general is to have our children feel validated, loved, and accepted no matter what, however, there is just so much that can happen in the short time, and just so much that can be said on the forms and generic descriptions that are labeled on these kids.  That's why we attend foster care courses, learn the details of what to expect, where resources are to get the kids help, and to help them be loved.  I don't believe that they can be loved without the PROPER care, the patience, and the consideration of people who truly want to make a difference FOR the child, not making that child fit into their routines.  It's also for those reasons that some kids don't get placed from foster care, because I know that as a parent of a 9 1/2 month old, it wouldn't be fair for me to take on a child who would likely be potentially violent with him, and it wouldn't be fair to take on that responsibiltiy and then relinquish that child again.  It's one of the reasons that placement takes so long.  

I also believe that when they teach the courses, that they scare a lot of potential parents off (I know for  fact they do in my area).  Of 7 families I've met who took the courses, only 2 have become foster families.  The other 5 would make great parents, to kids who need a home.  They are just so scared to expose their other children to the horror stories taught in the courses.  None of them I've talked to had ever been told they could turn a child down that wouldn't be able to fit into their home.

Answer 6

Ideally, I think you're right. It would be most effective to get to the root of what's causing the pain/fear. If you resolve that, then you will likely resolve the behavioral issue, too. However, that's a long-term solution.

I can imagine situations (where the child is a danger to himself or others) where the behavioral issues need to be addressed immediately (hopefully concurrently with the underlying cause of the issue.)

Building the trust/relationship to make the child feel validated, loved, accepted takes time (even if both parties have the best of intentions). Sometimes addressing behaviors can't wait that long.

Answer 7

I think if kids WERE validated and allowed to express themselves, then maybe they won't act out in unacceptable ways.

Honestly, I think society has set all these "normal guidelines" and if your don't fall into that, you have a disorder like ADHD.

As long as they aren't hurting anyone, let them be who they are.

One thing I do to let my kids express them selves, is I let them color on the walls in their rooms. THEY'RE WALLS, I can paint over it, but people are still shocked when they come over and see their artwork.

Answer 8

I hate it when people spout pop-psychology.  And, I am sure I am going to get multiple thumbs down for this...but...

If you look at *actual* research, therapy methods that focus on validation (as you describe it) are not really the most effective means of treating psychological and developmental problems.  The most effective therapy methods (i.e. the methods where the recipient reports they are happy, able to return to their lives, etc.) are behavioral therapies that teach people how to 'cope' and 'live a normal life'.  Discussing feelings and validation only makes the recipient into a 'victom', where as behavioral technics teach them to find solutions and resolution.

Focusing on correcting behavior is not about making adults feel comfortable, it is about giving them the best foundation for their future.

Answer 9

You help them change their behavior THROUGH validation. Validation is part of the counseling and healing process. But the children DO need to change to actions that are socially acceptable to progress in their lives. You can't hold a job if you think throwing a temper tantrom because the printer is down at the office is OK because you have been validated. These are things you should have learned in your classes.

"to make the adults feel comfortable?" That's an odd way of looking at it. If that's the way someone is feeling than they shouldn't be foster parents.

I think since this type of thing is taught in classes and should be common sense among foster and foster/adopt providers that they don't need to state the obvious on each bulletin.