When adoptive parents are abusive...why...?

Question

do so many PPL want to deny or totally SIDE STEP the question, rather than answer why adoptive parents would abuse a child they apparently wanted badly enough to go through the hoops of adopting.

Why aren't AP's horrified to hear about other AP's who abuse their kids? Instead, their only response is "biological parents abuse their kids, too." Is that suppose to be a defense for abusive parents?

To adoptees who've had happy lives; Why do you deny the experience of other adoptees simply because it was not YOUR experience? As if saying, "I had a happy life. My parents didn't abuse me", dismisses or nullifies the experience of adoptees who were abused? Why not..."Wow. I don't get it! My parents were great. I can't imagine a parent abusing their child."

This is one topic I would hope we could ALL agree on. That NO child deserves to be abused, adopted or not. That IF it is happening in adoption, something is broken in the system & needs to be fixed.

Answer 1

If I'm not mistaken, adoptees are actually abused at a higher rate.  I'm sure there are a lot of reasons behind this (the people just had abusive personalities, and would have done it with biological children, too; the agency didn't look deep enough; no psych test, etc.).  But I think a large part of it has to be that, for most AP's, adopting a child is a way to ease their own pain (speaking only of infertile couples).  But adopting a child cannot possibly take away the pain that you feel when you realize you cannot create a child in your own body.  It is simply not the same.  Raising an adopted child is NOT like raising a biological child.  And many AP's, I think, don't want to see this.  So, when the pain of infertility doesn't go away even after procuring someone else's child in place of what they couldn't make on their own, the automatic reaction is to take it out on the child.  Children are small and helpless...and adoptees already have a few strikes against them in that they come with wounds from being rejected by their own biological family.  They're easy targets.

That's certainly not a complete explanation, and I'm sure it doesn't apply in every situation.  But I believe that's part of it.

ETA:  I think another concern is that the majority of AP's are not prepared to meet the unique emotional needs of an adoptee.  I received NO information whatsoever from my adoption agency, or even from the classes I took, regarding adoption loss.  I learned about this during my own research, and I'm quite appauled that they didn't even cover it in all the hoops we've jumped through in order to get approved.  Why is the emotional state of an adoptee not discussed during the adoption process?  Hmmmmm...

Answer 2

I never deny that fact that some adoptees are abused- and for that I am terribly sorry- but I really don't think that makes everyone who adopts more likely to abuse or kill, as some hear say.  I think that the question should really be- why does any parent abuse their children?  What I think adoptees mean when they say, "biological kids can be abused too"- which I admit I have said- is that JUST because they are adopted does not make them more likely to be abused.  You are right to say if adoptees are being abused something has to be done- but I honestly don't think that enough is being done to stop abuse from any parent.  Sorry to those adoptees or biological children that have been abused, it is HORRIBLE

Answer 3

I agree with Twist of Fate: "Adoption does not guarantee that a person will have a good life. Just like being raised by ones genetic family does not guarantee this."  

Yet isn't that one of the lies perpetuated about adoption? That "your baby will have a better life" if given to a two parent home?  To people who can't have children?  

Opedial, as I read the question, it's about other adopted people with happy stories that try to dismiss the stories of those who were abused based on their own happy lives. Maybe I'm not reading the question right?  

Interesting question.

ETA: Adore Him~no one said "everyone who adopts is more likely to abuse or kill".  It's NOT in the question, nor is it in any of the answers I've read.  The question is "Why would someone go to the trouble of adopting a child and then abuse that child?"  

And why do some people side step this question with answers (like yours) that really don't answer the question at all?

ETA: c**p, Spanky, I'd like to find the AP that did that to you & closed fist punch 'em right back! WTF?  Holy cow! Oh...does that make me an angry adoptee, too?

Or maybe the abuse happened because you were the "Chosen" ones. Just didn't know what you were being "chosen" for.  Sick!

Answer 4

My brother and I were both adopted, and while we were adopted by a family with a woman who could not have children, after many, many, many years of injustices my adopted mother told me she never really wanted children, it was something she accepted to make her husband happy.

My brother and I went through years of verbal abuse, and emotional scars from our mother, and we went thought years of sexual abuse from members of her family, and my father’s family....

While my parents did not do the sexual acts upon us, I truly believe to this day my mother knew, but chose to look the other way..., wanting to believe it was because of our back ground and not theirs.

I went through sexual abuse for 11 years by several men in their family; silent screams, and fear of being blames, beat and further rejected.

It is truly hard to understand why such things as this happened, but they DO. I am proof of this.

I am still working with my moms issues after 40 years still trying to understand the mentality of my mother, and still there is a fragile bond there that I always have to tread on to hold our relationship in balance.  I have forgiven them for what has happened, but they choose not to accept accountability so they can not come to a place of forgiveness of themselves or me.

As my brother and I were the ones sexually abused, we were the ones judges and ridiculed for our behavior and our actions, and while I still have family members on my moms side who want to point a finger as to my actions growing up and do not accept me.... what I see is they have a problem NOT taking accountability for what they all allowed to take place for so many years, and it is easer to point the blame then to accept it!

NO CHILD SHOULD EVER BE ABUSED!

I have to say that what happened to us as  children affected  us for life, the screaming I endured growing up, I now find my self continually doing to my children and I continually have to go back and apologies to my children.... My brother died from AIDS as a result of becoming homosexual from being sexually abused from a man.

That anguish sustained as a child is something that never completely goes away.

Even trying to break the cycle, I have caused emotional scars on my children by screaming, not realizing how it has impacted them.

Everyday I pray that I can talk to my children with out the need to shout....

This is Not to say that every adopted child goes through this, there are lots of awesome adoptive parents out there, LOTS!

There is something very broken in the system, many people take on foster children for profit still.

Abuse still happens, but it is getting better!

We have a long way to go to stop the abuse of children!

NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND.!

It is found in us that change will come, it is we who must fight for the injustices of children; To fight the fight to keep them safe; To stand up and speak loud to keep all children safe from abuse.

We shall listen closer, watch better, and bring better awareness to our children, to our community to speak up!

The children are our future, and it is up to us to distill upon them nurturing, gudiance, safety, and love.

May we reach out to all children around the world to help them become all they can be!

Save a life!

"The Rose of Sharon"

T'he'y did not feel your pain when they stole your life away

T'he'y did not feel the knife as they plunged it deep in side.

T'he'y did not hear you screaming with all those Silent cries,

But I knew of you my sister, when that little girl in you died.

I have known you for ever, I know you even now...

I know t'he'y took you under

Will you let t'he'm keep you down?

        

Existing always in death never to awaken to life....

Always another storm, but never a new flight...

Fly on you beautiful angel, pick up wings and go

No chains can hold you down now, if you only will let go.

You are the one with power in which t'he'y want to hold, and when you drop that anchor, no longer will t'he'y have control.

You are the Rose of Sharon so sweet your secret sin, come out from yonder battle and begin to live again...



Author: Julie Twyman

8/20/06



† † † †

     ♀

this is a poem about a child who lost her childlike innocence... and through all the years of suffrage and pain, found life again!

There is hope for healing!

Answer 5

they lack love. before they get a child, they want it very much, they keep daydreaming how wonderful it will be, those chemicals in their body makes them so happy. but when they get a child all those dreams ends, the reality is different from dreams. thats why parents abuse their kids, adopted or biological.

I wish people would do a test before someone decides to be a parent. if you pass the test, then you would get a right to have children, otherwise they would give you birth control. this would be great, then many children wouldnt suffer. or at least I wish schools would be teaching teenagers how to raise children. if you think you might be abusive or if you dont want kids, get fixed. I wish everyone would be so good, but I think some pedophiles deliberately marry together and then abuse their children. its really sad to read how long the abuse is going on when I read survivor stories.

Answer 6

I do agree that abuse can happen within the adoptive home, by the adoptive parents and I do think that people need to aknowledge that, instead of sedestepping it.

You must understand though, that not every adoptive parents abuse kids, infact there isnt much call of this sort of thing. Its rare.

You must also realise too, that abuse in kids happens allover the world and it is ALL important, not just in adoption.

Its a very sad world we live in, but I dont see how bringing this up, is going to help anyone. Abuse in kids is a very cold subject.

Answer 7

I think we all agree that it is horrible that any parents abuse children.  I don't think by focussing on all parents who abuse it is "nullifying" others experience, it is saying that abuse is an issue for all to deal with, no matter the parent.

Answer 8

Really abuse is an issue no matter what and unfortuantly people have this "well what can I do" or "it isn't my problem" or "there is no way they would do that" attitude.  Yes adopted kids are abused just like children that arent' adopted, adoption isn't a safety net and doesn't mean the homes is "perfect" but the best agencies do try to really look into families before giving the ok during the homestudies, unfortuantly some agencies are more into the money than the really good homes and they will give a child to whoever can pay.

Answer 9

I'm not sure that I am answering the way people would like me to, but my first thought when I read your question is why does it matter "who" does the abuse?  It is excusable whether it is bio, adoptive, or extended family.  I am one of the people who would have a typical response that "bio parents abuse their kids too" because the focus needs to be not on what TYPE of parent abuses, but that parents do abuse children and it needs to stop.  As the wife of a police officer, I've heard the horror stories of child abuse and it is not acceptable for any adult to treat children in that manner.  

I worry about the last comment you wrote though....if abuse is happening in adoption, then something in the system is broken & needs to be fixed.  Shouldn't we be blaming the individual who is doing the abuse rather than the "system"?  Or perhaps I didn't quite understand what you were trying to say.

Answer 10

It irritates me very much to have someone assume they know how I feel about something.

You ask why APs are not horrifired to hear about other AP's who have abused their kids?

Why aren't you asking those APs who ARE Horrified that ANY child ever suffers Abuse?

....and assuming that there are not adoptive parents who are terrribly horrified when other adoptive parents abuse there children is a very broad genrealization--which is not correct.

Some adoptive parents are very upset when they learn another adoptive family has hurt a child in any way. Some of us build full websites just designed to offer adoptive parents the support they may need when parenting is difficult.

Many of us TURN in other adoptive parents when we see, suspect or belive those parents may be abusive.

Many of us have NO problem interceeding when we see another adoptive parent behaving, speaking or acting in any abusive way with their child...

Some of us advocate on local and national levels trying to insure children are not abused in the first place, especially those children in foster care. Some of us work hard advocating that the money, services and time be invested in aiding those birth parents willing and able to have the chance to do so.

Some of us work hours as Volunteers within our state to montior the decisions of the state and make sure the child has an advocate for their needs and their needs only.

To read that someone actually believes Adoptive Parents are not horrified when we hear of any abused child is judgemental and pre-judging as it is perfectly clear you actually believe adoptive parents are not horrified when we hear an adopted child was abused after placement.

There are MANY things that people assume adoptive parents think--feel and believe which are not correct for each adoptive parents...

This statement is NEARLY as bad as being told by the school principal that we should "Send Back" our adopted daughter!  Or those statments made by onlookers who say, "Well at least you can blame your kids nasty behavior on genetics!" --WHAT?

Most adoptive parents don't go through all the trouble to adopt a child simply to have something to abuse... It would be much easier to be an evil child preditor then to have the certification and training to adopt...

YES---there are HORRIBLE abuse stories and that is true... But, just because the odds are higher my child will kill me doesn't mean I think all adopted children will kill their parents...

But, the odds that my adopted child will kill me are actually much greater then biologicals....and the odds of adoptive parents abusing their child are STAGGERINGLY lower then a biological child being abused by their parents...

.......not sure I answered your question?

***Added: Okay, I understand what you are saying and I agree that many parents do use "defensive" arguments.

The system sure does need to be changed and short of a complete overhaul little will change without strong, organized advocates.

Answer 11

"That NO child deserves to be abused, adopted or not. That IF it is happening in adoption, something is broken in the system & needs to be fixed."

Amen!

We'll fix it one day, through protests, through lobbing, through bills, through reform, through education, through speaking out, its changing. Change takes time, but our army is only growing bigger and when we, who have been in the system, and seen its potential for damage unite ( like we are ) there is no stopping us. NO STOPPING US.

Hold your chin up because change is inevitable. Its only a matter of time.

I think its easier for our society to dismiss the bad and overlook it, because what is currenly the other option for foster children and children in need of permanent homes? If society acknowledges the damage, acknowledges the broken system, they'll then become responsible for fixing it. Thats a pretty big task to take on. Not to mention a great deal of lawsuits that would come from the exposure of the injustice on many lives. When the state becomes responsible for human lives, they also become liable when those lives are mistreated, abused, neglected, and broken. Thats why adoptive parents have to jump through what some consider so many hoops to adopt. Thats partly why so many people get lured away from the adopting from foster care, in my opinion anyways.

Answer 12

People who are abusive are usually repeating patterns of behaviors from their own family/upbringing.  Thus, they may have very much "wanted" the child, and had every intention of raising the child right, but lacked the skills to do it properly.

My parents were abusive and even though I am not adopted I still get angry when people minimize abuse of any kind. Some people assume that because my parents were wealthy that the abuse was somehow less horrific to me - which I don't understand at all.

The same principle applies to adopted children. Every child deserves a happy and safe home environment - no matter what their surrounding circumstances.

There is something wrong with the system in general where we have millions of children abused on a daily basis, and they have few advocates and no voice of their own.

Answer 13

Child ABUSE is wrong anytime. Any form of ABUSE is wrong. However it happens its just a cruelty of this already cruel world.

In case of adoptive  or even bio parents abusing well some realize that parenting is too much for them and they thought they could handle it. Lets face it parenting is not as easy as some people make it out to be. One has to have true Patients when dealing with any child, but even more for an adoptive child that has issues or attachment disorders.

Some people don’t know how to control their emotion and will take it out on whoever is weak. For some abusing makes them feel stronger to control someone weaker then them. Its very sad and disgusting. Sometimes abusers were also abused, you think someone who was abused would not abuse themselves but it happens. Thats what they have been taught that its ok to hit or beat.

People just need to be aware in most cases of abuse there are signs of it but sometimes people feel its not their business to get invovled. Someone who has any type of abusive past should not adopted, however unless they have been charged for such abusive its not going to be on record.



I personnel have no problem with other peoples experiences good or bad.  Reading them all even more the bad experiences has made me realize how truly lucky I am, that I ended up with a good family. Makes me see how maybe my young cousin who is adopted might feel one day when he is older and i might be able to help him or at least suggest things, books he can read , support groups etc. Even my young nephew who was created via donoregg.

Adoption does not guarantee that a person will have a good life. Just like being raised by ones genetic family does not guarantee this things. Life is not guaranteed, tomorrow  is not guaranteed. I questioned anyone today who wants to place their child in a 2parent home. The divorce rate of this country is pathetic and  means that the child placed for adoption or any child, has at least a half chance if not slightly more then that, that eventually their parents might part ways. They will become kids of 2 parent homes and even blended families.

Answer 14

I personally hold aparents to a higher standard than bparents.  A woman or man or both are counting on YOU to raise their child.  It honks me off 10 times more when the aparent is an abuser.  

Why ppl side step, it is a hard pill to swallow.

I am beyond horrified to hear that adoptive parents abuse their children.  That in and of itself, should be enough to prove that something IS broken.

I think its easier to stay within your comfort zone than to pull your head out of the sand and see reality.  I hate hate hate child abusers!  There is only one thing i hate more, and thats adoptive parent child abusers!

Obviously there needs to be more hoops for aparents to jump thru before adopting.  I know we would have happily jump thru a thousand hoops b/c we knew the reason behind the hoops was to protect children.

((((HUGS))))

Answer 15

I am one of those adoptees who has had a relatively happy life.  Growing up, my best friend was also adopted:  he was abused by his parents.  I've also seen a number of abused biological children.  In a way it matters whether or not your adopted, but at the same time it doesn't.  Abuse is wrong either way.

There is no way to nullify the experience of abused adoptees.  In a way, I think it magnifies the abuse itself, for even myself, a happy adoptee, there are abandonment issues I face.  You need the love and support of a family to get through that.  If you do not have that, it can be like being rejected again.

I would say there is something broken in the system.  Some people, whether they have biological or adopted children, are NOT meant to be parents, and the fact that they have kids sickens me.  I am a Social work major with emphasis in women and children that are victims of domestic violence.  There is something broken, and it needs to be fixed.  I've recognized that, and hopefully I'll be able to work on it.

I get it.  Bitterly, I get it.

Answer 16

I can only answer from my experience.

My adoptive parents were very well off, so there wasn't financial issues at work in our home. I honestly think that with my adoptive parents they really wanted to adopt to have the status of parents amongst their peers. Once they realize a child isn't just nice to look at, but a lot of work too, it was too late & they were in too deep. Fortunitly for me I was removed by child protection at the age of 11.

The fact that my aparents went through the whole process of adoption rather than have their own bio kids makes it that much worse in my eyes.

Had my aparents had their own bio kids, I don't believe they would have been treated any different than I was. My bet is their bio kids would have been just as abused as I was.

Answer 17

Because people are more 'comfortable' with how they wish things were, as opposed to the way things really are.

I could write a LOT on this, Robin, but today is not the day.  I had an abusive amother, who should not have been allowed to adopt children.

They still don't do psychological testing on PAPs (obviously), and that is a shame.  I think many people believe that adoption is all rainbows and sunshine, just like many believe that marriage is the same thing, then when the reality of raising children who are not yours sets in, feelings change--and there is no divorce.

But you're right, people side-step.  My book club read 'The Glass Castle' a couple months ago.  One woman kept insisting that the author must have 'made some of it up'.  If she couldn't conceive of it--it couldn't have happen.

I remember once I was telling someone about my childhood, and my mother's horrible parenting (not something I often do) and they reminded me that at least I wasn't sexually abused.  Yes, well, that makes everything ALL better, doesn't it?

I hear ya, Robin! xx

Answer 18

Why do you think other AP's are not horrified about that issue?  I'm horrified about all issues of child abuse.

Answer 19

Sadly and unfortunately anyone who calls abuse by adoptive parents rare is so wrong.  I can't tell you the number of adopted people I've known over the years who suffered at the hands of their parents.  

Interestingly, I just got home from hanging out with some good friends.  One of them is an AP who is a member of an adoptee rights group.  She's walked the halls of the capital here in California fighting for open records, searched for and found her son's first mother and is now searching for his first father (both searches with her son, of course.)  I have several AP friends like this.  

We ended up discussing this very issue at one point this evening.  She said that passing the home study wouldn't be so hard for people who weren't really qualified.  She said that there's no way anyone could get to truly know the PAP's during the visits over the months, and that it's too easy for a lot of unqualified PAP's to fake their way through.  I was so sad to hear this, but she's been through the home study process.  I haven't been through a home study, but have no reason to not believe her.

I decided to make a major portion of my commentary on this question visual.  I created a cartoon that I feel fits this topic:

http://unsealrecords.com/advsnonad

Answer 20

I really want to ask this question to a certain AP I know who beat his daughter by landing closed fist blows to her head and stomach while screaming "I'm going to kill that b*****d".

I don't understand why he would have wanted the b*****d inside me dead while he was raising two b******s of his own who were the "most wanted children ever". Of course why beat the "most wanted children ever" at all?

Maybe abuse happens because we don't shape up like we are suppose to.

For the record he has two bio kids who have NEVER had a hand raised to them. Guess us adopted ones were just the lucky ones.