When adults say things about children do they think about the effect that may have when the child grows up?

Question

When I was born my skull was misshapen because in utero my face was pressing against my mom's rib cage, thus my face formed asymmetrically. My right eye socket was larger than the left, my mouth drooped on one side grotesquely, and the bone at the top of my head had some weird indentations in it.

Well, after I was born the nurses took me to the nursery and had the nerve to put me in a back corner behind a partition, they told my mom that I was too "offensive" to be set out with all of the other babies. Their reasoning was that my appearance would "upset" people who came to look at the babies. This happened in 1986 in Suffolk County, New York. I've overheard the story several times when my parents were telling other people about it and it really makes me mad that people would be shallow enough to be "upset" by what was a very minor and common malformation that I grew out of rather quickly. At age 22 the difference is only slight and my glasses conceal it anyway. The nurses even had the nerve to make snide comments to my mom about my appearance while she was in the hospital. According to my dad they would say things like, "she'll never be a beauty queen" and "she'll never find a husband if she stays looking like that".

Should hospitals have uniform rules establishing a swift disciplinary code for employees who behave like that? My parents repeatedly complained to supervisors but were told to just let it go. I know that this happened 22 years ago but it kind of hurts knowing that from the time I was born I was labeled "offensive". I had a severe stuttering problem for most of my childhood and wasn't treated very well by people for that either. Despite having an IQ in the 130's I was usually treated like a complete moron. Once my younger sister was born all people did was compare me to her; I always had to hear how cute and precocious she was. I was only 5 at the time but I knew exactly what they were saying, these were the same people who called me "a little piggy" because of the way I looked. My parents were great, but the rest of the world wasn't.

Basically I grew up to be an angry loner who doesn't trust "normal" people. I actually developed bipolar disorder in my teens, which nearly every psychiatrist I've seen believes was triggered by childhood stress. I've been reasonably successful in life; I'm a homemaker right now but I have most recently worked as a credit analyst for a bank. I happened to marry a man who went through the exact same things (he was born with a cleft lip and palate) as a child and has the same attitudes. Don't get me wrong, we're both very nice people its just we've been scarred by the way we were treated as children. My husband, despite being a very successful software engineer suffers from a severe, post-traumatic stress like anxiety disorder.

Don't people realize that children are quite capable of understanding and retaining the comments people make about them?

Answer 1

I would be more mad at my mom for telling everyone that story! There is no reason that needs to be brought up.  

Answer 2

I would just leave it in the past....Please I'm sure they're old and crummy now so they have no reason to talk...beauty is skin deep!

Answer 3

I know this may not give you much solace, but the words that people speak often serve to reinforce valuation schemes. People admire the wealthy and look down on the poor. The praise for one group versus the denigration of the other reinforces the value of money, and makes the acquisition of more money a desirable goal for most people. People reinforce concepts of human beauty in the same barbaric way. In order for one person to have a lot of a given thing/quality, there must be another person who has less of said quality.

Because human beauty is essentially arbitrary; ie 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder', hierarchies are maintained solely through word of mouth. The people who the majority praise for their looks are viewed as good-looking, and vice versa.

This process is automatic in the human mind. The people that verbally vomit what is going in their minds are just more primitive than the rest of us. They are not capable of being better; that is their lot in life.

Answer 4

I absolutely think that hospitals should have a disciplinary code regarding the kind of comments made in reference to you in that hospital. Even if the infants never hear about it, the parents do. That kind of insensitive comment can do a person a lot of harm.

I've never understood how some people can be so completely shallow. It makes me wonder what insecurities they must have about themselves.

I'll never understand how someone could look into the eyes of a child and see anything other than the innocence and perfection that is inherent in every baby before it has to deal with the evils of the world.

A lot of people don't realize that children are capable of much of anything. I'm often shocked by the callous things people will say right in front of children, and it never once occurs to them that the children might understand what they're saying. The worst part is, many of them never seem to show any shame or remorse even once they realize that they've hurt the child.

I've never had any thing physically different about me that I felt judged for, but I have Tourette's Syndrome, so I "tic" and sometimes I feel like it's all that people see of me. For the most part I've learned to control it, and all of the people in my life who matter to me are aware of it and hardly notice it, but sometimes I feel like other people are staring at me.

I'm glad that you've found a place where you can feel comfortable while helping others. You're a better person than many.