When and how should an AP tell their child about possibly hurtful circumstances regarding their adoption?

Question

Circumstance:

Telling the child that you think he has an older brother that an adoption plan was not made for (that older sibling is supposedly living with the Grandmother, not the birthmother.)

Answer 1

I think it depends on the 'circumstances'.

Answer 2

If you are willing to let the other child meet yours, tell them no matter what or later in life they may get angry or even more hurt you didn't tell them.

Answer 3

I am adopted and have 2 adopted kids- and I never volunteered any info that may have been harmful to them, however, when I was asked I could not lie either- both of my children have siblings that stayed with their birth moms. My oldest, 19 just met his birth family -  I had to make a choice- we adopted him through an attorney- and the office called me around his 18th birthday and told me that his birth sister had found out our address and was sending a birthday card- I had to choose to tell him, or not show him the card- of course I thought it could hurt him to realize that 5 children were raised by his birth mom- however it turned out to be 2 very special visits with them.  I also have a sister 10 years older somewhere that my birth mom raised-  how do I feel?  Well, I don't feel unloved by her at all- I feel grateful that she loved me enough to do what she thought she had to do.

Answer 4

My 4th child was a gift to me...I would no more turn our gift into whatever explanation of hurtful circumstances of his conception than I would return him to that situation...physically or emotionally!

Childhood should be our gift to our little ones.  To consider taking a moment of childhood away is like extracting a perfectly healthy set of teeth!  

There is plenty of time in adulthood to explain adult subjects!!!

Answer 5

That can be a tough one!  If the circumstance involves things like the adoptee was the product of rape or incest, that should definitely wait for the appropriate age.

I don't think it's wrong to tell a child about a biological brother living with another family.

Answer 6

If it's something thats probably going to deeply hurt the child & possibly scar them, it's better not to. There may come a time when you really have to, but until that day, why scar a child just because you think they should know??

I also suppose it depends on just how much upset we're talking here too

Answer 7

How would finding out he has a brother be hurtful?  Is there a way that he would be able to see his brother? Do you have any sort of communication with these kids' n-mom or grandma?  I think that for an adoptee, finding out about a sibling could be great news...why would you want to keep that from him?

It may be confusing as to why his brother was not also adopted, but this is his brother.  Unless the brother is some sort of a danger to him, what is the harm of telling him about him?  I would have been THRILLED to know I had a full brother and half sister when I was young.  If my aparents had tried to find a way to get us some contact with each other, I would have loved and appreciated them SO MUCH for it.

Answer 8

For me this is a hard one too.... My children are 2 of 5 and soon to be 6 siblings....  The first was placed at birth.

My daughter is the only child of all who lived with her mother for any time--4 years. She entered Foster Care when her brother was 6 weeks old.... Since then there have been 2 more babies adopted to another family and there is another on the way.

I have a mixed problem in my home with the fact that our daughter remembers things--and her brother does not.

We were asked to take the next youngest sibling when born and had to pass due to our daughters high needs...  I was torn about how to tell her as this is not something that will be a secret and I didn't want her to grow up to believe I lied or kept information from her....

Originally I decided that at 6 and having the history she had that I would wait to tell her....  Then the next sibling came and we developed a relationship with the other family and at 8 I believed I best spill the beans....  

It has been difficult for her because we have baby pictures of her younger sister and No picures of my daughter under the age of 4 -- none were ever even taken....

I try to make the "Details" as factual information and do my best to keep any of my personal judgements out of the matter.

Things are different for little brother who is now 6.... His feelings are completely different... His attitudes often hurt his sisters feelings....and her attitudes often tick him off....

The way I see things is that this is a lifetime process and we will not have "A Moment" to disclose but a life to nurture.....