When did "covering the cost of your plate" become the norm?

Question

This is always brought up on here for advice and it's not really true etiquette. Where did this idea originate and when?

I always give much more than necessary so I'm not disagreeing with giving a decent amount, I just don't think that the logic is right. Why should someone spoiled and wealthy paying too much for their wedding get $500 they don't need and a poor couple saving for a house and to pay their bills get only $50? Thoughts?

Answer 1

I believe this tradition actually is more appropriate to cultures where it is expected that the couple will throw a big party to certain standards (the only one that comes to mind right now is Greek), and cash is appropriate. When it started, modern etiquette (which is fairly WASP based) didn't really consider weddings from those cultures, and people threw about the same party no matter what. Those who couldn't afford it saved for longer, and worked harder themselves.

This means that the money given was about the same for everyone. Whatever gift was given in addition was up to the giver, how much they could afford and their relationship to the couple.

I know there is something similar to this in Asian cultures, where one is obligated to give a gift in proportion to the money being spent on the occasion. Anyone know more than I do on that?

Answer 2

My family has decided that we only give what we can afford at the time.  We get together for birthdays and such.  My siblings only give cards now, unless it's to the spouce or parents/children over 21.

If I can't afford, I don't give.  What's worse is the spoiled wedding brats that get money and don't send THANK YOU cards!  I hate that even more than shelling out money!!!

Answer 3

I'm not sure where this all came from either, and I don't agree with it.

It is the bride and groom's decision (or whomever is funding the wedding) as to how much is spent on dinner.  The couple should not be looking to recoup the money spent on a party thrown in their honor.  The whole idea is to have your friends and family celebrate your union, not to turn a profit!

When someone gives a gift, they should give what they can afford.  The bridal couple should be thankful for any gift given, regardless of it's size.

Answer 4

I understand your point completely and agree.

However I really think it's true in theory as birds of a feather fly together. Meaning, if you're going to a $500 per plate dinner, then you're probably amongst people who can afford that too (usually) and vice versa... so it becomes rather an obligation in some points (sadly).

Answer 5

I don't know if that has really become the norm but rather a guideline for some people.  I completely do not agree with people that say, that 20 bucks is enough to give for a wedding gift when two people attend the wedding.  In that case, yes, you should cover the plate.  I think when we attend a wedding, most of us are well aware of the couple's financial situation, such as if mommy and daddy are footing the bill for the $200 a head dinner or the couple who has saved and is paying what they can to make it as nice as possible and can use that as a way to decide what to give.  I do agree that you give what you can afford, but if you are going to a wedding and can only afford to give $40 then you should go solo.

Answer 6

I totally agree.I always just give what I can.It's the gift that counts.I could care less if I didn't gifts for my wedding.I just want my family and friends to be there.

Answer 7

I don't go by that. You give the gift you feel is right for you. I give $100 as a couple unless we're close. Then they get more. I also like to give a gift when possible so they have something long lasting.

Answer 8

I, personally, would feel bad only giving $20 if I knew the cost of dinner and bar for my husband and I cost $50 a person, totaling $100.  

One couple we invited to the wedding only gave $20 (I know this couple and they are not poor or struggling at all) and drank themselves silly all night and ordered fillet mignon for the both of them.  They were the only couple at my wedding to give below $50.  We mostly received $50, $100, $150 but, people gave what they could and we appreciated that more than you can imagine.  I just found it odd that a couple who take many vacations a year and spend an insane amount of money on toys for themselves only gave $20 for the both of them.  

To me, I kind of agree with trying to shoot for what the dinner would cost....all in all, you are going and you are eating the dinner, why not try to cover most of the cost for it?

Answer 9

I agree 100%

Guests should give what they can afford - and brides/grooms should also have a wedding they can afford.

Answer 10

This idea probably originated because someone wanted to make a profit on their wedding.

People should give what they want/what they can afford.

The bride and groom are the ones to decide how much they want to spend on the wedding. They should not expect guests to cover the costs - that is why they are called guests.

Answer 11

I totally agree with you. I think you should decide what to give according to your relationship with the bride/groom. This is not the norm among my close circle although, it generally is costumary in Israel where I live. I didn't know it was like that other places in the world.

Again, I can't agree with you more.

Answer 12

I got it off one of those Miss Manners type columns, and it was a suggestion as a minimum for what you should give. It is meant to be a guideline for the clueless. And it was the cost of the food, not the per plate, which at an all inclusive reception venue, includes everything.

And generally, poor people are not invited to $500 a plate venues, so the point is, cover the cost that the host had to put out to feed you, and then give above that as your heart and budget allows. If you will, it is a guideline for the poor guest, who already feels bad not giving the couple a wad of money, at least they can know the couple did not go into debt for them.

It is not an individual choice. I'm not going to be at a fancy wedding and giving the couple $500, and then at a plain wedding,and giving her only $50 the next week because of the cost of the food. The family and friends of the rich person will take care of them, the family and friends will take care of the poor bride, each guest according to what they can afford.

Answer 13

I ** Think ** that it is an attempt to set a barometer for how much ought to be in a card so people aren't categorized as stingy with their gift.  

But you are absolutely right.  Also, I don't call up a venue and ask how much is the cost of each plate at a wedding I am attending - - and I'm sure most people don't do that either.

Answer 14

I don't go by this rule- I usually give more or less depending on how close I am to the person. I usually don't give money but would buy a gift around $50 from the 2 of us for someone I was more of an acquaintance with and around $100 for a best friend (we're still students!!) and somewhere in between for other friends. I don't care if they serve a full 3 course meal or if it is just finger food. I know the $50 for acquaintances probably wouldn't cover the cost of 2 plates at most weddings but I think most people would be understanding that I'm still a student and don't earn that much money.

Answer 15

Great question! Wish I knew the answer. I cringe when I read this, too. Its really the wrong outlook for giving a gift; a gift should come from your heart. If a couple has a really expensive wedding, should their less wealthy friends go beyond their means to cover the cost of their plate? If a couple has a really casual wedding, should I give them less money just because theyre serving me a grilled hamburger and chips?

Its not in the spirit of giving a gift at all.

Perhaps, as more couples started to pay for their own weddings, and their budgets got tighter, people started to cover the cost so that the bride and groom could break even in the end. But, its pretty irresponsible to throw a party with money you dont have.

Answer 16

It isn't the norm - it seems to be in one region of the country.

I think guests should give a gift, or money, that they feel themselves is appropriate, for their own situation, relationship to the couple, etc.

Answer 17

I have now attended the weddings of all those who are close, to whom I have 'covered the cost of my plate'. I now decline all wedding invitations as from my perspective the occasions are a waste of time and money.

If you have been invited to a wedding by a couple that are way above your income level, would it not be easier to stay away than appear to be a cheapskate?

Answer 18

I'm not sure where this idea originated, but I am guilty of always trying to cover my plate.  I think my logic is that the couple wanted us to celebrate with them, and we want to celebrate with them so I don't want them to be out anything on my account.  My standard is $200 though.  If they spent more than that on my fiance and I then they can eat the rest of the cost!

Answer 19

I never give cash at weddings. I like to be more personal with the gift. I will usually take the invitation I got and frame it with some fake flowers and design it like the theme of the wedding. I have done this for many people and they always love it. I got this as a wedding gift when I got married and it was the best gift I got and the only one I know who made it for me!!! I have it on my wall and every time I look at it I think about the lady who made it. I dont care how much she spent on it, it is the thought that counts. I think that people who are ungrateful for the gift they got are just spoiled little brats.... I  was invited to celebrate and not to get a gift!!!

Answer 20

I guess it's just a guideline, just so people will not feel that it;s ok to buy a $15 toaster when they are having 4 guests and a full meal and bar.

I'm paying $229 a person and do not expect for a couple to give me a $500 gift. That is just ridicuolus. It was my choice to pay for my party and I do not expect people to give me such amount of money, and to be honest I do not care, nor do I expect any gists. I'm having a destination wedding, so peopkle will have to spend at least $1500 to come to the wedding and that's what I treally want, to share with me.

Now, if I was having a local wedding and people didn't incur in travelling expenses, If I would get a $15 toaster I'll be pissed. Some people are rude and thionk that they can eat and drink for free all night and bring a cheap gift., those are the people that ussually bring uninvited guests and children too and that it's taking advantage.

I have another rule that I abide: give how much you wull be spending on a night out in town for drinks, entretainemnt and food for the number of guests invited and give accordingly.

A great site that actually calculates the sum is:

www.weddingenvelope.com

Good luck

Answer 21

I agree, it doesn't make sense. I give what I can afford at the time. I used to only give $25. (poor college student!) Now I give more money because I can afford to and obviously want to.