When do you give up offering to do things with your step-daughter and leave her to be all alone by herself?

Question

My 12-year-old step-daughter (FYI it's her that insists I always include the "step") from Guinea, West Africa has been back to live with us for about 4 days. She lived with us for a year previously, than went back to Guinea with her mom for a year. When she was here before and whenever she was very bored (which was often because she has so few friends here and her older brothers separate themselves from her significantly) she would ask me to take her to a swimming pool. I would take her. Her father or 3 older brothers (ages 23 -16) would never agree to take her to any kind of fun outing. She and I also went to the library/out to eat together a few times. She could get a little sassy at times and we had our ups and downs but she preferred leaving the house with me to sitting alone with the TV. I always invited the boys but they would always declined the invitations. On the phone just a week or so ago when she was in Guinea West Africa she mentioned that she couldn’t wait for me to take her swimming or to Six Flags (an amusement park). Now that’s she’s here she doesn’t want to do anything with me. But will jump at the chance to so the only thing her brother has offered to do with her--ride with him to the post office. Even though she has nothing to do but stare at the TV alone as her brothers are usually either at their part-time evening jobs or locked in a room playing music/sleeping. She says she has to “think about it “regarding me taking her swimming or to the movies. She is also full of smart remarks towards me, eye-rolling and slamming doors in my face when I ask if she’s finished with or needs help with her homework. She does this only to me. Should I continue to offer to take her with me whether she appreciates the offer or not? Should I tell her that I'll stop asking as long as she acts disrespectfully AND/OR completely uninterested? Or should I just not mention it and go on my way? Why do you think she is suddenly acting this way?

Answer 1

Ahh..i know what your going through. im the sister of a brother who treats my  stepdad that way.  and im guessing, that all this attitude shes giving you, only cropped up after she got back from seeing her mother.  Whenever my dad would pick my brother up, take him out, and then bring him back, he would be extremely negative and completely and totally rude and harsh to my step dad.  My dad was making subtle comments to my brother that made him think bad things about my stepdad.  i suggest you dont offer AS MUCH.  maybe offer now and then, but dont seem so eager.  im sure she will eventually come around.

Answer 2

she is a teen, that is her job and they always do it very well.

i would ignore her, when she gets bored enough she will ask.  

although when she is rude, call her on it right away, don't ignore it.  YOU must DEMAND respect in your own home.  let her know if it continues you will refuse to include her in anything you do in the future AND if it continues she will be punished.  you can work that out with her father.

Answer 3

ggive her some space, but dont completly lay off, she will eventually come to u wanting to do something.

Answer 4

12 year old girls no matter if they are step are not are some of the most outragous creatures god ever put on this earth.

Did you think that she may be on her period or just started it and doesn't want to go swimming because of this? It could be PMS or it could be something her mother said to her that is bugging her and she doesn't want to split loyalty with her mother. Have her dad talk with her or both you and your husband talk with her.

Older brothers are like that they don't want to get involved so they don't get blamed.

Relax and be there if she needs you but don't pressure her unless it is to go outside and play or make friends.

Lisa

Answer 5

It seems to me that she is afraid of "bonding" with you, but would like to be your friend, if she could get over the fact that you are married to her father.

It's odd, but how things are worded can make all the difference. Instead of "Do you want to go?" or "Shall I take you..." that sort of wording, perhaps try something more along th lines of "I'm going to ----- and you're welcome to join me" might be more effective.

You've said she's been back for 4 days. That's not much time to get acclimated, and definately not much of an effort to give up already. Give her space and time, she'll come around... remember, it's not YOU she's mad at, she's upset at anyone married to her father who's not her mother.

Good luck.  

Answer 6

Stop giving her attention!

She needs a good smack

Answer 7

  I am not sure who to feel sadder for that is truly a tragic situation and really could have devastating results , my first impression is that the girl feels so alone yet to become close to you is perhaps disrespecting her mother, who is so far away.

  I can not pretend to understand your actual relationship , but she does obviously need a friend, do you or your sons not know any girls her age?

  The way I see it is that she may feel confused about how to relate to you and you to her you want to be her friend but you must also be the mother figure for her here, So you should work toward the friend thing more but be aware of how she feels and maybe don't let her know she will have fun. spend a day with her at the spa or get your hair done together take her shopping, get her help you cook dinner . soon she will see that you you are a pleasure to be with, and she will want to do more with you, However that could lead to more trips to the pool for you. Good Luck