When do you quit trying to save a marriage?

Question

I have been raised to never give up. I love my husband so very much, and I believe he loves me. He often says so. Things have been very rocky the last few months. He's naturally withdrawn and I a say "let's get this stuff ("issues") out and over with so we can be happy again". We don't argue or bicker on a daily basis. Things go from 0 to 100 in 60 seconds. But after 3 years, I think we can safely say that no love was ever lost between us after the fights. We both feel some resentments assuredly, and equally have no idea what's next. Just found out that he's moving out until we get some counseling - his choice - because he always leaves. And he always comes back and says he's sorry, etc. I forgive anything he does and says. And I have my share of issues that he deals with. His pending "temporary" departure from home is premeditated, and it is different. We are acting like grown ups I guess. I'm afraid to be without him. I am afraid he is never coming home again. We want this marriage to work, both for us, and for our son and daughter. We are very different in our daily lives, but have the same dreams and ethics. But are we just destined for failure? Is it supposed to be this hard? I guess I could use enlightenment.

Answer 1

I  gave up when, i never wanted to see or hear him ever again, I actually

hoped he would'nt ever come home, I know it's horrible, but so was my life back then. We tried couselling, he didn't see anything wrong.

it was hopeless.

Answer 2

When i was reading your story i felt very depressive. Are you guys happy with each other? Do you really want to stay with each? Do you care about each other? I feel like there is no communication between you. Communication is very important in any marriage.

I guess you are very strong to face a problem and your husband is looking for a place to hide.

...if you still love each other there is the way to save your marriage.But i think one person is not enough to save relationships of two!

I hate telling  people "you better ask a specialist" but i think in your situation it can help.

Good luck!

Answer 3

my friend just turned me onto this therapist.  check it out.

http://www.passionatemarriage.com/index....

it's completely different from everything i've tried so far.  it's often sexual, but very enlightening into yourself & spouse.  good luck!

Answer 4

i am in this same situation right now but he has never left before.  i am so scared!!!  we never even fight.  he just hit me with "i need a break".  i know he is not cheating.  i dont know what do do and i need help.  i cant live without him.

Answer 5

Sometimes the best thing for everyone concerned is to get some breathing room, and if worse comes  to worse, accept that things will not work out as you wish. When my marriage got to the point that I knew my children were suffering more than my husband and I, and that the quality of life for everyone involved would improve with the dissolution of the marriage, it was scary for me, yes...I will admit it was. I was going to be a single mom, maintaining two jobs, a house and trying to keep a lifestyle for my kids that would give them some semblence of normalcy. I had never taken care of the finances, insurance issues, repairs to the house, mowing the yard...all of those things he did, but once he left, it was all up to me. I was often overwhelmed and it was a struggle, but it can be done. And my children and I had a good life regardless. And it was best for him...I see that now. Good luck. Just tell yourself, sometimes you drift apart and splitting is the only thing left to do.

Answer 6

I think you answered that question for yourself cause you know once you've had enough and you can't take it anymore then its time for you to throw the towel in cause you cant find mr. right having mr. wrong hanging on your arm.

Answer 7

Pray!  A family that prays together-stays together!  I have been married for nearly 25 years.  We have had our ups and downs too!

But as long as I had the Lord in my heart, things have always worked out.  Give it to God, give it all to Him!  This is what He is there for.

May I suggest a book to read?  It is the best christian, fiction book I have ever read!  And I read a "lot" of books!  

"Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers.

You could never, ever regret reading this and it could just save your relationship-your love and your life!

Answer 8

Bad place to be, both you and the children.  If you think it broken, never to be repaired, then my advice (having divorced two women) is move on as quickly as possible, as you don't want the children to wonder for a long time will they or won't they?  I am in a third marriage and never happier....so be brave.

Answer 9

Have you ever heard of John Gottman? Google his name and check out his site. He has several relationship/marriage books out (try amazon, even your local library) and they are all good. He has studied both successful and unsuccessful marriages for over 20 years and has research that supports that it is not the issue/conflict (even if it is unresolvable)  that breaks a marriage, but how the couple processes it/addresses it. He even has a DVD version of the intensive 2 day couple's workshop that he and his wife lead in Seattle. You can order it from his website.

Dr Phil's "Relationship Rescue" might also be worth a look.

It sounds like neither of you are willing to walk away yet so you owe it to yourselves (and your kids) to at least look in to other options. What have you not yet tried... make a list, discuss each idea and start trying them.

All the best to you.

Answer 10

if you haven't been to counseling yet then it's too early to throw in the towel.  Once you've been to counseling and the situation still doesn't improve then you throw in the towel.  But as long as both of you are willing to make the effort to make it work then should give it a chance.

no, it shouldn't be so hard to make things work but you went into the relationship knowing that the two of you didn't communicate well and that he was prone to walking out until he cools off.   Make a real effort to learn how to communicate better and if your situation still doesn't improve then you know that you weren't meant to be together.

Answer 11

Try this site.  U don't have to be of the religion, but lots of great advice i got from my own marriage counselor and I could have got the same info for free from this magazine! IT WORKS!

Answer 12

I say that as long as you are both committed to working through this and to saving the marriage, then you are golden.

Yes, marriage is HARD. But as you know, nothing is gained without hard work. The pay off is surely worth it.

A seperation might be good for you guys. A cooling off period might be beneficial in order for you both to try a little inner reflection into what you've contributed to the issues and YOU can do to resolve it.

Please get counseling. Try several counselors if you want... you might not find one that you're both happy with on the first try, so keep at it. Also, set a premeditated "resolution date" for your husband to move back in (if he is willing). Having a set time to work towards that goal will be productive.

Follow the advice of the counselor, no matter how lame you might think it is. Show your husband that you're serious about working this out. Tell him often that you respect his need for space right now, but that you miss him and love him.

Don't guilt trip him and don't wallow in self-pity. Use your time apart constructively in the relationship and as an individual.

Good luck and don't give up!

Answer 13

What the specific problems, you both need to get resolution/compromise and then move on. You both have some growing up to do and the one steadfast good thing you both have going is the spirit not to give up on the marriage. His getting away, running away, can be a good thing or a bad thing. Depending on what he does with his time while away. Does he focus on fixing the problems you two have or does he escape for a while to get relief? The latter is bad and it takes two to fix a marriage. Good luck.