When do you stop taking adult children on vacation?

Question

We are going on a family vacation for one week. We usually invite our adult children to go along if we have room. We asked our son (30 yrs old) to go along this year as well and he said that he and his girlfriend and her children would like to go.

Here's the problem. We didn't invite his girlfriend and kids because we don't have the room or feel like we need to foot the bill for grownups with their own jobs. Now the son is mad at us and my husband is feeling terrible.

Additional info: We have 4 small children still at home and another in college. Girlfriend's kids are unruly and mom usually leaves dicipline to others. My kids don't care much for her kids because they are such a pain in the butt.

Do you think we are being mean? Do you think we are snubbing his GF?

Answer 1

I think it's a wonderful that you and your husband still want to take family vacations with your children, and I don't think that there is any certain age that this practice should end.  However, if your son wants his girlfriend and her kids to go then he needs to foot the bill!  You're not dating her or her bad behind kids.  If he's not willing to pay, then he doesn't want them to go does he?

Answer 2

You sound like you are very reasonable and in the right thought pattern. Let him know that you can't foot the bill for his whole tribe this times, just that life has changed. GIve him the responsibility to pay for his current family situation. Let her and the kids go and make the best of it. 5 years from now when she's looooong gone, you guys can laugh about the time she was on vacation with you and the stuff that happened.

Answer 3

You stop taking your adult children on vacation when you can't afford to invite their families as well.  (personally I find the taking the adult children on vacation a type of controlling behavior on the parents' part and as a mooching activity on the adult child's part--but that is based on my life experience and it may be a totally innocent and generous thing in other families)

you were rude to snub the GF, but I don't think you are being mean if you say you can't afford everyone or if you don't want someone along.  But you need to understand, she and her children are  part of your son's life now.  If you don't want her along then don't invite your son.  If you just can't afford to foot the bill then make it clear to your son that they are welcome to come along but they need to pay their own way.

To smooth this over, call him back (or better yet--invite both him and her to dinner with you and your husband--no kids--not yours or theirs) and apologize for the misunderstanding.  Tell him/them you were still operating under the assumption that he would want a vacation with his mom, dad and siblings and that the GF and her children wouldn't want to go on vacation with his family.  Be honest that you are not in a financial position to pay for everyone.  Tell him that you now recognize that he is a grown man with a family of his own and not a little boy or a teenager who needs to tag along with the parents.  Tell him that you will now respect him as an adult who also has adult obligations to his partner and her children.

edit to your addition:

then you need to reclarify your position to him that you do not view the GF as a permanent partner since they are not married or even engaged and that means that privliges like mom and dad paid vacations are not on the table for the GF and her kids.   But you still need to understand that he views her as a permanent partner and he considers her and her children a package deal along with him.

Tread carefully here, depending on how wrapped up he is in her and depending on the dynamic in that relationship, you could lose him.  If he has never cut his own apron strings then you run the risk of him tying himself to someone who will cut the strings for him and then both you and him lose out big time.  (saw this one happen to one of my aunts and her youngest son.  After what happened in that fiasco, I figure he'll be back after his GF, now wife throws him out and falsely accuses him molesting one of her children.)

Answer 4

No he is out of line even asking if she and her children can come. Try to not let it get to you. Your obligation is to your immediate minor children as well as the college age one. I am sorry you have to live with the fact he is mad, but better that than bringing almost strangers along who would ruin the dynamic of family togetherness. I believe underneath he is struggling with his own situation and wishes it were different . Hopefully he will see the light that he doesnt need to find someone with baggage like she. YOU ARE NOT BEING MEAN. Even if you COULD afford it, it is not a good idea for your small children to be exposed to that situation. You owe it to them to keep them from the 'pain in the butt' kids. Good for you

Answer 5

Yes, of course, if you don't want somebody to go, you're snubbing them.  But, it is still your vacation and your boundary to set.  And his to accept or deny, and hers yet to weigh in on.  Then, of course, I guess the kids probably also have their own views.

Decide who you want to go, how much room you have (emotional and otherwise) and state it.  

If people are mad, then accept that you made the offer in haste, not having thought about all the people your son is also connected to.  You can retract the invitation, but not expect him to leave one part of his family to be with another part.  That's a burden he didn't ask for.

Answer 6

He has a right to be angry because it was obviously not explained properly when he was invited that the invitation was not for his entire family.

You can not expect a man to leave his family and go on vacation.

I completely agree that he should be paying his own way & not expecting you to pay for his entire family.

That is an outlandish request on his part.

You no longer have to invite your adult children to go with you on vacation.

Nonetheless, this one is a social error on the two of you for not elaborating when the invitation was extended.

Best wishes

Answer 7

Sorry if he is 30 then he would probably bring his girlfriend and kids along as well if you invite him. It should have been expected. Anyway now to do the damage control, try making peace with him. Let him know the only reason you couldn't accept the GF is because of the room problem, and tell him that next time you will make sure she gets to come too. If he is going to marry her, better start thinking of her and the kids as your own family.

Answer 8

I think that at 30 yrs old your son and his girlfriend are kind of a "package deal."  You probably should have expected him to bring her and her kids along.  If you didn't want them to go, you probably shouldn't have invited your son, either.

Answer 9

It's Like My Brother And His GF !! We Invite Them Both Wherever We Go Because They Are A Couple And Thats What Couples Do !!

Answer 10

wow how stupid are you

again i am not insulting you but your son is a grown @ss man and him and his gf are like they said above a " Packaged Deal " if you want him you want his gf and kids to .....

Answer 11

yes -  you should foot the bill for your kids til the day you die or if they die first, why have kids if you can't raise them