When do you think it's a good time to tell a child about their father?

Question

My son is 15. I have been married to my husband for 15 years. I met him when I was 2 months pregnant with my son. When I contacted the faher of my baby, he didn't want anything to do with thie child and he never has in fifteen years; no calls, no letters...nothing. No one from his family has either.

My husband has raised him as his own son from day one. He watched him be born, he changed his diapers, he taught him how to ride a bike, climb a tree, shoot his BB gun.... He has been here all this time. We have four other children together and we are a happy family. My husband has been the best dad to all of our kids and he loves them all the same.

The thing is, our son doesn't know the thruth about his dad. None of our children do. Actually none of our friends do either. Our family does (the close family) because we didn't try to keep it a secret in the beginning. It's just that when our son was little, it wasn't necessary to tell him such mature info so we didn't.

Answer 1

tell him! the longer you wait the harder it will be. as far as I am concerned, you waited too long already. My uncle was in the same situation....thought the man who raised him was his biological father until he was 18 and my grandparents told him....he hit a downward spiral and became a serious alcoholic to cope.....he finally cleaned himself up about 4 years ago. he is about 60 years old right now. so many times due to his alcohol addiction he almost died from driving. you need to explain the situation. Just keep in mind.....any man with sperm can be a father, but it takes a special man to be a dad.

Answer 2

You should tell him but be sure to tell him that just because your husband isn't his biological father that doesn't take away anything from their relationship they have already established

Answer 3

I would do it very soon. he will probably be a little upset or taken back by the shocking info but he will get over it.  as long as "his father" is ready to tell him with you then you should do it. and since his biological father has never wanted anything to do with him im sure your son wont even care. just be sure to be ready to answer ALOT of questions over the next few months or possibly even years. I am 19 and still ask my mother questions about my father here and there and my father left when I was a few years old so I didnt really know much to begin with. best of luck

Answer 4

I would take your son for a walk or for lunch without anyone else around, but I would talk to him about all the different kinds of families you know - single parents, kids being raised by Grandparents, two-parent families, some younger children being raised by an older sibling - they are all FAMILIES.

Tell him that you did something unwise when you were younger, but you were so blessed to have met a wonderful man (your husband) and you knew that he would be a wonderful father to your child.

It is too bad that he didn't always know that he was special - chosen rather than just born, to his Dad, but you have to work with what you have.

I'm not sure if 15 is a great age to tell him, but I think sooner is better than later.

Good Luck!

Answer 5

I'm in the same situation. I was raped and I met my husband when I was 12 weeks pregnant. It's even harder trying to tell him about a dad that wasn't a very good person, because I don't want him to think he came from a bad person. My son is only 2, and I do talk about it, but only positive things. I say things like, "Your dad is a special kind of dad." and "Your dad didn't have to be your dad, but he wanted to because you are so special." At 15, you could say those things in a more mature way. I would just tell him, your dad loves you, but he isn't your biological father. If you make a big deal out of it and turn into a big lie instead of treating it like it's no big thing and everything is okay he's going to make a big deal about it. Blood doesn't matter, love and support matter. Let's just hope that he knows that, and if he doesn't he will learn.

Answer 6

This is a really tough one.  I don't know at what age it would have been better.  But, 15.....that is hard.  Hormones are going wild as it is.  I would really try to do a lot of research on this.  You do not want to harm your son...that is for sure.

Answer 7

Wow hes already 15 years old? that's going to be tough its going to be harder teenagers have a rare view on things. you should have told hI'm when he understood that real meaning of father. I think around age 9 is a good start that way they know that the person that is raising him is there for him. But you say you all are close so i hope he takes it well but im sure that if you wait as time goes but you will not find him to take it well and hate the fact that you hid it for so long. Tell him asap and let him sit with his "dad" that he has know forever to ask question that he thinks need to be answered. Good luck and give him the information that he wants. ;)

Answer 8

when they are 10

Answer 9

My nephew was adopted, and he's known since he was a small child that they were not his real parents.

personally, i think you waited too long.

But, the sooner the better.

Answer 10

this is something your son should have known  all along, my dad is really my step dad, there were never any secrets kept about it, and i always knew, from the time  i was old enough to understand (as long as  i can remember) . my daughters dad is step dad as well, and hes been here from the beginning, she knows the facts but he is still "dad", and we dont have to worry about crushing her later on, or her not understanding why we didnt tell her before. i  just think it makes it alot easier, your son is 15, its a miracle he doesnt already know if your family is anything like mine, i had aunts and uncles on both sides that would have broken their necks to tell me if i hadnt already known. if i was going to tell him at all at this point, i would do it now, hes 15, he can handle it now if he will ever be able to, be prepared for a period of withdrawal and anger, but i hope it passes fast because dad is still dad no matter what , he will realize that too im sure :0)

Answer 11

Wow to be brutally honest you should of been telling him from the beginning, my father wasn't told about this until he was in his 30's and it tore our worlds apart (and we are an extremely close family) the man i thought was my grandpa wasn't my biological grandpa, it was a really confusing time for all of us and it hurt deeply. my advice to you is to tell him now get it over with the longer you wait the harder it will be. expect him to be upset with you, you have to look at it from his point of view.. he's been calling someone who isn't his biological dad "dad" and finding that out is going to be a very difficult thing to deal with.  Good luck with this. I  have been trying to talk my sister-in-law into fessing up with her 8 year old daughter the truth about her dad too and i fear that she will wait too long also.  just be prepared this will be a difficult time for your son be patient with him.  good luck and your family is in my prayers.

Answer 12

I don't really have an answer for your question.  I just wanted to tell you good luck.  I am in your same situation only my son is only two.  My husband is not his biological father, but is certainly is dad.  I have been wondering when to tell my son and dread that day because I fear him feeling like it's somehow his fault that his sperm donor didn't want to stick around.  I feel for you.  Good luck and I hope you share how things went.  God Bless.

Answer 13

I am in a similar situation - my first daughter is 6.  I met my husband when she was an infant (her biological father disappeared shortly after her birth and was heavily into drugs and other illegal activities, so I considered him skipping out to be a blessing).  My husband and I also have a 2 1/2 year old daughter.  The two girls are very, very close and my oldest has NO idea that my husband is not her "real" father.  She is such a daddy's girl too, so that makes it rough.  I don't know what to tell her...or when.  Too young just makes for more confusion....too old and they'll think you lied to them their whole life....it's the hardest situation!  I feel for you, I really do.....if you figure out a really good answer, let me know :)  Take care, good luck, and God bless!

Answer 14

My cousin well step cousin I guess bc hes not blood related is was like this.  His dad knocked up his mom then left her and she got remarried b4 she had the baby and he knows her husband as his dad.  They told him at about 12 when he was old enough to understand but didnt tell him his real daddy didnt want him.  They did that around 17, 18 and he went to find his dad and when he came home he hugged his moms husband (other dad) and told him that he was his real dad blood or no.   Hes 24 now and you couldn't ever guess except for the rebelious stage in his life that they were not real father and son.

Answer 15

My sister was in the same situation, her husband was with her since before my niece was born but he was not the father. They never told her and one day a family member (on the husbands side) did, she was devastated. She was probably about 10. There is no easy way to do it, but it needs to be done. Have it be a time you and your husband tell him alone (without the other kids) and tell the other kids later if he agrees with it.  You have to get up the courage and do it, I wish you the best of luck, I know it would have been easier coming from my sister than my brother in laws jackass brother. I am sorry but he is for doing this and just in general. She did how ever want to make contact with her biological dad so be ready for that in case. My sister allowed it but it has only been on the phone and not a lot. I think it actually gave her a sense of belonging. She is part Indian and I think she was noticing her skin color etc. anyway. She was also really angry at her mom for a while, I think they just don't know what to think, but there is a huge difference in 10 and 15, he should be able to take it a little better. But definitely tell him.

Answer 16

you should have told your son right when he came out of your p***y.

Answer 17

Well you've waited  long enough as it is...from experience it's best to start explaining things to your children when they are 5-6 yrs old..age appropriate of course..that way when they become pre teen and teen they don't dwell on it as if they were just told and it doesn't seem like such a lie...I'm sure if your son is well adjusted and from a loving home it's not going to affect him in a real negative way...I found it helpful to see a child psychologist before explaining something like that ... there are easier ways to go into it than just blurting it out...and the doctor may have some easier ways of transitioning...

After all finding out that the only father you've ever known is not really your father ( biological, i'm sure your husband is an excellent father to your son and is indeed his true father ) but it still isn't the easiest thing to take and the longer you wait the harder it will get for all of you...I know this is harsh to say but you need to stop putting it off because YOUR scared to tell him....I hope this helps .. :)

Answer 18

i would personally do it soon. My son is 7 and knows no one but my husband to be his dad, but knows that he has "another dad" out there. We have told him from day one that he has "2 dads" and the other one just decided to go away, but his new daddy is the one that loves him and takes care of him. I know those words are kind of "small" for your son, but i would explain the same concept, that your husband loved you and your son so much that there was no reason to hurt him in the past for a father that wasnt around. best of luck to you!!!