When does life after a first baby begins to simmer down a bit?

Question

My daughter is 14 months.We had some complications a couple of days after her birth, but she recovered quickly in 2 weeks, but the trauma of the whole experience is still staying with me till this day. Add to that the following:

1. My husband is in the final stages of PhD, and I just quit my job, hoping for both of us to locate to a better "same" place, since we were also separated 2 months after my baby was born, because he had to be abroad for 5 months "again". Family life: not settled.

2. Due to these long term separations, baby coming along, and adding to that my very meticulous and bordering on paranoid (but self-aware) personality, I am feeling more than quite frazzled. At the moment my baby is sleeping, and I just have to cry, am crying. I feel like a big chunk of me (myself, that is, me) got bitten off by all the previous events, fell in the street (much like how my baby carelessly throughs her toys) and in that exact careless manner got lost. I feel chewed up! And I still feel I am being chewed up.

3. I don't know how much the following also contributes, but my husband and I are either insanely different, or that men just don't notice the little details, period, extra period. I am amazed at how meticulous my closet is compared to his, but I am also tired of being the minutely meticulous one. When you have a baby it is amazing how oraganized you have to be (which I love). She has to have a place of her shoes, her different *kinds* of shirts, dresses, etc, and I am the one who figures all this stuff out, with husband completely oblivious to how much time and thinking and effort this needs. He thinks I am not doing as much as I actually am, therefore he doesn't understand my sudden burts of tears/depression days. My question? Please share your life expereinces with me. I am totally lost! He has 4 more months of PhD time and during that time I would like to run a balanced household, and lose the last 12 lbs of baby weight, and yeah, regrow that chunk of self/brain that I feel I lost (which translates to interests, creativity, just hearing my own thoughts and finding some time for my own activities). Thanks in advance for sharing.

Answer 1

i know, its easy to feel like you're the only one who does all that you do, and when you dont get the proper recognition..it really hurts.BUT, men are different. they dont really get it.

BUT, i dont you dont understand what it feel like to be in his exact shoes either. im often glad that i dont have the burden of supporting the 6 of us! so, sometimes when my husband takes me for granted, i have to remind myself that compliments and pats on the back are great, but in the end ,that CANT be the reason i do all this!

im preg. w/ our 4th (3 summers in a row pregnant) and so i can say with total understanding.. that the best thing you can do is show him just how gracefully you can do this.with a smile on your face, and a warm supportive positive tone in your voice.

  one day, he will realize how much it took for you to raise the children, keep the house, and do it all without complaining! you CAN do it!

Answer 2

I had a rough time post partum. My husbands work forces him to travel a lot, which was fine until after baby was born. I felt overwhelmed. I went from traveling, active social life and a demanding high energy job to being a frazzeled, exhausted stay at home mom. I felt like I was drowning in baby related activities with no "me" time insight. I became completely detatched from who I was but lost on who I should have been.

6 months post partum I went back to work and I felt like a whole person again. A lot of working moms feel guilty about working but I don't, I am thankful I can go to work make a little extra $$ and get some refreshing peer social interaction.

Answer 3

When I first saw your question I was just gonna be flippant and say that it all simmers down when the youngest leaves for college!  But after reading all the info, I just want to say, 'Hang in there!'  Getting a PhD is tough; men are clueless about alot of things; babies/children take a lot out of you - it may be a crazy ride, but it is well worth it!  Just imagine how proud you'll be when hubby gets that degree, baby takes those first steps, baby goes to school, baby graduates, and so on!  

Wow, have you got a lot to look forward to!  You're a lucky lady!

Answer 4

I would suggest to you to get the book "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff In Love".  It puts a great spin on things that you'd never even stop to think about.  For instance, you hold it against your husband that he doesn't notice the things you do.  But that's where the problem lies- you can't fault him for something that he's really not doing.  Yeh, it sucks when guys don't notice things...but you can't really be upset at him for it.  If he did notice it, I'm sure that he would thank you immensely.  It's not that he doesn't appreciate it, it's that he's oblivious (as most guys are).

As for the being "minutely meticulous one"- have you seen a therapist for possible OCD?  I understand the need to feel organized (I'm not organized in the least bit, you'd probably freak out if you saw my closet right now- I have a huge walk-in closet that has boxes of random things I haven't touched in years...and don't even get me started on the living room that is littered with toys).  I think you might have a borderline disorder and if you got help with that- it would help your relationship.  You wouldn't feel compelled to have an exact place for everything and you wouldn't be upset if things were out of place occasionally (literally and figureatively).  I'm not faulting you at all, so please don't take it that way.  I think instead of looking to your husband to notice more of what you do, I'd suggest doing less :)  I'm not saying to be lazy and stop being the great mom/wife that you are... I'm saying that, if possible, relax a little on the meticulous things.  Sit back, enjoy life, enjoy your daughter, put a long sleeve shirt in the short sleeve shirt pile, love your husand, relax a bit.

And most of all- hang in there.  You'll be fine :)

Answer 5

Welcome to motherhood!  Fun huh?  Seriously honey...don't take thing to seriously.  A baby is going to throw everything in your life in chaos for awhile...about 18+ years actually!  Relax and realize that being meticulous about things is going to drive you nuts and take away time you could be having with your child and your husband.

As far as your husband goes...most men (I didn't say ALL men) just don't get it.  You and your body have just been through a traumatic event.  Your hormones are raging in all sorts of directions and this will not only scare but baffle him.  When he is home and has time, leave your baby with him to care for her while you go out for some time for yourself.  Believe me, you need it!  Life as you knew it is over.  It has forever changed, it's up to you to make it a good change.

Again, relax and enjoy you baby!

Answer 6

Wow, what upheaval you have had.

It's a lot to go through.

Breath,

and then give yourself a break.

You don't have to be perfect. Cry if you need to.

Accept that things will be in flux another few months but take consolation that it's only a few months. After that you can reconnect with your Husband & the old you. He is probably as flustered & distracted as you are these days & that is what is making his normal messiness messier. It's not important.

Find a babysitter for a few hours & get your hair done, take a walk or even hole up in your room with a book. Take some YOU time & I can guarantee you you'll feel at least a little better.

I'm going Through some of the same things to so I know it can be rough. Email me if you need an ear.  

Answer 7

You sound depressed. It also is very apparent that your husband doesn't realize everything you have to go through each day. If talking things out with him doesn't resolve your differences, maybe you should consider marriage counseling. Hopefully he will be open to the option. If he argues, explain to him that you don't feel as connected as a couple should. Mention the fact that many couples go to counseling, even if they don't have any problems. They simply do it because they love each other and want to strengthen the relationship.

And to answer your question, no, not all men are oblivious. My husband is quite the opposite- he usually notices something wrong with me before I do. Remember that you deserve someone to make you happy. I hope you can find that with your husband. Best of luck to you and your family.