When/how to tell her she's adopted?

Question

I am friends with a family who adopted a little girl a birth she is now 4. They still haven't talk her she is adopted they said she won't understand. They said they want to tell her around her 12th birthday.

I think they should have started telling her from the day she was born. What do you think?

If you were adopted how were you told and how old where you? How did things go?

Answer 1

I am adopted :) I was 2.5 monthls old at the time

I was told pretty well right away..I can't remember the specific moment of being told.. as I was pretty young.. it's just something I grew up knowing.. and I felt fine about it..

Sure she may not understand.. but she'll probably resent her birth parents for not telling her sooner..

They should talk to her about how they picked her.. and how special she is to them... and that.. you don't need to be blood related to be a parent..

They should also mentioned if she wants help finding her birth family when she's older, they will be willing to help..

She may not want to ever meet them (Cause I personally don't have any desire to meet my birth family)...

Parents are the people who are there for the important things..not just genetics

Answer 2

Indeed! They should be honest with her from the start! Otherwise teh child will feel lied to when she turns 12 and finds that out!

Answer 3

they must tell to the little girl that she grow in a belly of other mother but they loved her so much that they wanted to rise her.so now is their daughter.

Answer 4

I think they should start young......start talking about what it means to be adopted and how special it is, then move on to telling her about being adopted.....usually by this age.  They need to get on the ball.  A 12 year old has enough to go through with puberty, etc, they don't need this sprung on them then!

Answer 5

12 is a bad time to tell someone they are adopted. That is to close to teenage years were they start to have all the drama. I would start to tell her now. If they what till she is 12 she might get the idea to run away and feel really different around the "parents" who adopted her.

Answer 6

LET THE PARENTS WHO HAVE HER TELL HER AND LET THEM TELL HER WHEN THEY THINK SHE'S READY,BUT SHE DOES NEED TO KNOW CAUSE THEY GET TO A CERTAIN AGE AND THEY NOW SOMETING  IS UP,THEY JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT.IF THEY DON'T TELL HER AND SHE FINDS OUT ON HER OWN,SHE MAYBE MORE MAD.

Answer 7

I disagree. I don't think there's a need to tell her until she's on the brink of young adulthood, at least. Why would it matter?

Answer 8

tell them them if they wait till she's 12 and going through adolecense they run the risk of completely throwing her off.

I am an adult adoptee that's still trying to figure out where i fit due to that very reason.

at 12 years old you are already going through puberty. trying to figure out your place. dealing with new body parts, new body functions, hormones, and then someone throws in oh yeah and by the way... I went through a horrible identity crisis. Not to mention my entire family is white except for me but she lied to me and told me that she was my mother and that my father was black.  So on top of what i was already going through i was humiliated too. I felt like an idiot for not knowing. I always felt off which was why i asked but then i felt stupid for ever trusting her and i have never trusted her sense. If you can lie to me about my existance then what won't you lie to me about.

I agree. people that are told from the beginning have a better chance to deal with it. it wasn't a lie, it was open so they had time to ask all of the questions that they may have before they hit puberty and have a whole other set of issues to deal with.

My mother told me when the dr.'s thought i was on my death bed. I guess she figured if she told me then then she wouldn't have to deal with the consiquences cause i'd be dead but i didn't die and she ended up resenting me for it. a year after i found out i was adopted she asked me if i wanted another family and sent me to military school for 2 years. needless to say our relationship went to $#!+ after i found out. no wi'm disowned and disinfranchised. i found my nmother this year so maybe we can have the relationship we were supposed to have.

Answer 9

If they want a healthy, honest and open relationship with their child they should tell her NOW and not spring it on her later. If they wait and tell her later then I guess they shouldn't have a problem with HER keeping secrets from THEM when she gets older and nor IMO, would they have a right to. HONESTY in adoption, right?!

I have never understood people who say "They are too little to understand". Kids are little PEOPLE. Treat them with respect an dignity - not as mentally deficiant elves. They can understand adoption as just well as ABC's, table manners, etc. The "WHYS" can come later, the "normalcy" of the situation NOW. Why set your child up for emotional confusion and pain later?! That just seems selfish. It always makes me wonder- as do many adoption practices - WHO is really being "protected". I can't help but feel that parents who conceal adoption for any legnth of time do it for their own benefit and comfort.

Answer 10

[[my biological dad left before i was born. i was later adopted by my moms husband]]

i was told by my biological dad's mom. i was still in contact with them but my mom hadnt told me how i was related to them. i just figured they were friends of the family or something. when i was 9 or 10 years old, i stayed over at there house one night, and then i asked how i was related to them. she told me, and i was so upset & angry at my adoptive dad because he hadnt told me.

i think your friends need to tell her ASAP!!!

good luck to them :]

Answer 11

there are many books on this subject but Im with you, children feel safer when they can trust their parents to tell them the truth and they will respect their parents more because of it.  the childs age will dictate how much detail they need. for instance,when 9 11 happened we told our children that some bad people crashed the planes into two very important buildings - we didnt tell them  all the gory details till they were much older and could understand.

Answer 12

she has got to find out at some  point so best tell her early because at the age of twelve kids would usually start to hate their parents if they found that out

Answer 13

I agree, I would not constantly bring up the fact she was adopted but I would talk about it around her so that she grew up knowing that instead of popping her with it at age 12.

Answer 14

I was told around the age of four or five.  (I don't really recall ever NOT knowing.)  I think it went well.  The earlier the better.

ETA: Since a number of people are suggesting a later time to tell, let me just say...  Adoptees who are told later often react very negatively to the discovery.  They may feel lied to, hurt, rejected, etc.  People who think "later is better" are thinking like adults, who want the child to "understand."  The child needn't understand everything about adoption.  But if this crucial piece of information is withheld, it can "rip the rug out from under" the adoptee when it is finally revealed.  Their identity can be seriously disrupted by a late discovery.

Answer 15

I got my son when he was 2 1/2 years old and my daughter when she was 14 months old.  I talked to them about being adopted and what that meant from the day I brought them home.  I saw how kids reacted when they learned later that they were adopted and, if they didn't understand what it was, what being adopted meant.  one kid learned when he was a teen and tore up the house.  waiting til she's 12 is way too long.  even if she doesn't understand now, at least it won't be a big surprise.  there are several excellent children's books that can help explain what it means.  maybe you could buy one or two as birthday presents.  we also celebrate "Adoption Day".  my kids got to pick out one present each and we did something special that day.  it's the anniversary of the day I brought my son home.

Answer 16

I would have done the same as you.  I would have started the day she was born.  That way she would not feel betrayed.

Answer 17

I am not sure if they need to clarify it from the beginning but waiting until 12 seems to be too late.

I'd say once the kid is around 6ish and can understand relationships they should be told that the adults are still their parents but they were just not the ones who gave birth.

Answer 18

we have told our daughter ( now 3) about where she was from since she was old enough to talk we showed her pictures of the country she was born she eagerly tells people with a smile i was a baby from Colombia. just recently ( this week) she started asking questions about being in my belly and so on. we used the term tummy lady so we wouldn't confuse her as to having a birth mommy. we also added the adoption term into the mix she knows she is adopted but do sent quite understand it fully yet. it think it is important to tell them early on and use the terminology earlier on it will be less of a shock when she gets older.  She has actually asked us many times if she could meet the tummy lady and visit Colombia. we told her she probably wouldn't get to meet the tummy lady because we have never met her but someday she could see a picture of her. and if she would like to go to Colombia when she gets older we would be happy to take her. so far we have had no problems.

Answer 19

I was adopted at 3 months old, and learnt that I was adopted as soon as I could understand the word, 'not born in my tummy'. My parents got adoption books, books of the chosen baby, everything to prove that they loved me even though I was adopted. I wouldn't have changed it at all. I always felt loved, I never felt as though they wanted their own(they were capable, but wanted to adopt to save a baby). Back when I was adopted ,I was unique, and sometimes it was a little awkward because my parents were caucasian, and I am a little brown butt, but now that I'm older, I know how lucky I am. The sooner the better, the longer you keep it a secret, the more of a 'bad thing' the child will think it is.

Answer 20

Maybe you could do some research on late discovery and show it to your friends.  I hope they are open to this information, for their daughter's sake.

ETA:  My personal philosophy is, if the child is old enough to ask, they're old enough to get an honest answer.  I don't believe parents should lie to their children about their own information.  That information belongs to the children, not the parents.

Answer 21

I think I was around the age of 4-5 when they told me. Well that's when I noticed that my skin was a different color than my parents and other sibling. They can try and tell her but she may not understand yet. Just keep telling her that she is loved no matter what and then when she starts asking questions answer truthfully. For me things went good, I know my parents love me alot and I know my birthmother gave me up for good reasons.

Answer 22

They are already 4 years behind.  They should be upfront with her immediately.  The longer they wait, the more traumatic it will be for her when she finds out--and she will find out.  I was told recently by a 15 year-old girl, that she has always suspected that she was adopted, but she cannot get her parents to admit it.  She implied that they haven't exactly denied it either.  What are they thinking?????

Answer 23

No, the timing needs to be right to tell a child they are adopted - it will be a huge shock and she needs to be at an age mature enough to accept and understand what this means. I agree that 12 maybe a bit on the later side but everyone matures at different speeds. They can't put an 'age' on it, more of a time - when they know she is personally ready to find out this news. They also need to be prepared for the fact that she is probably going to want to search for her biological parents (this can be very hurtful to the adoptive mother and father). Advise your friends that they should see a councilor to help them along the way in how to deal with the various reactions their daughter could have - everyone is different I'm afraid. They obviously will want to cause as little emotional psychological damage as possible so it needs to be right.

Answer 24

12 is a difficult year to tell a girl... i think they should wait till she is older, not worried with school, puberty etc.

she will understand at any age, they may not be her biological mother and father, but they are her mummy and daddy :)

i agree with the tell her from when shes born thing... but my nephew is three and if i told him, he wouldnt understand. it just gets harder with age till they are 18ish.

x*x

Answer 25

i think they should have told her from the start

if not, they better start talking to her 'bout this soon

Answer 26

Since our daughter is Chinese and we are not there is no way to deny that she is adopted. Even if she looked just like us though we would have never kept it a secret from her. We talk about China daily and such. I want it to just be common conversation around our home so she never faces some big Revelation one day of "I'm adopted, why didn't they tell me?"

Answer 27

I completely agree with you, but unfortunately she is not your child....I wouldn't 'confront' them or anything, but if the subject comes up, I would politely recommend the numerous adoption sites out there that tell you the best things to do and how to tell you child they are adopted. Some people simply don't know any better....your opinion won't matter as much as, say, a medical journal or other adoptees experiences/feelings. good luck!

Answer 28

you should tell her at the age of 9-10 the younger the better if she dont under stand and if you keep telling her over and over she might think you dont want to

Answer 29

It's a hard subject to approach.  I ALWAYS wanted a dog... from the time I knew what they were... my parents took an interesting approach.  They used the "you know how people adopt dogs?" scenario, they brought it down to mine and my brothers level and allowed us to understand in our own way.  They knew that I LOVED dogs and the fact that they compared ME to a DOG, when I was 5 years old, was SOOO cool.  They asked me how much I loved dogs, and I told them... "sooo much" and they said, "but do you think you're ready to take care of one yet?" and I said yes, but it was the wrong answer... unfortunately.  They said, "no, you're not ready, but you still love the dog, right?" and I said yes, of course.  So that's how they told me... they went on to tell me how my real parents couldn't take care of us to the best that we deserved so they put us up for adoption much like the dog was up for adoption because it's owner could not take care of it... that was that side, and then their side was that if we did get the dog, they'd love it unconditionally and always play with it and give it a great life, much like they're doing with my brother and I...

It's on video, that's why I know it so well... =)  I don't have a spectacular memory from 5 years old.  I'm not that good.

I think 12 years old is a little too old.  I was told at 5 or 6 years old, and I understood what was being told... I had the basic concept.  At 12 years old, it would have been a "why didn't you tell me before this?" type thing.  Could get ugly.

Answer 30

My daughter has known she was adopted since she was 5. They must tell her as soon as possible, especially if other members of the family know already, as someone else may tell her before they do. If they leave it until she is 12, she will be in one of the most vulnerable periods of her life (adolescence), and it would be enormously cruel to leave it until then to tell her.

Answer 31

I think aparents should start telling the child that he/she is adopted the first day they come home.  Start telling the story, start practicing...before the child can really understand all the words and the aparents can perfect the telling.

I have always known I was adopted.  I don't ever remember being told...so I must have been told before I could really comprehend what it meant.  And I still have trouble making it all make sense all the time.  I can't imagine how devastating it would be to find out later.  Today, NOW...they can tell her today!  I'm still p*ssed at my aparents about lying to me about Santa and the Easter Bunny....do you think it will be any different or any easier to hear a "secret" about yourself.  How do aparents that keep secrets expect their children to bond and trust?!